“some things you lose
you don't get back
so just know what you have
and make a plan to love me sometime soon.”
make a plan to love me, bright eyes

-
the fifth
-

Summer was twisting it’s ways through valleys and plains and cities wide. The heat was spreading through his veins and mine. That summer was blistering. It was the worst heat we had ever experienced.

We were at the amusement park with taffy and cotton candy, all various shades of pastels and softness. The Ferris wheel was cranking soft, melodic music that matched a carousel better. At the top of the Ferris wheel, you could see over the whole lake: the fireworks and boats and the sunset in the horizon. When the fireworks started, the Star Spangled Banner played loudly, surrounding and sweeping through the crowd. He had some girl with him and he sat at the dock with entwined hands.

Every so often, he would look behind him at me and my best friend, as if trying to get away from Barbie and apologize for hurting me, again.

The next day a banner appeared across the top of channel ten: TORNADO WATCH for the following counties- It beeped loudly three times and SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING flashed against the screen. They showed a region with ten or so counties at the bottom of the screen with color-codes for the warnings and watches.

He picked me up at five to go to a movie. We were driving through the country when the thunder rolled in, swirling in and out of cars and ears and farm animals. Soon enough it was lightening, raining, and then hailing.

The county we were in was only in for the SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING, and it was right over us.

I counted inside my head the seconds between the brightness of lightening and the rumbling craaackof thunder.. One, two, three, BAM. The hail was pounding against his car and he pulled under a tree in some farmers lot. “We'll be okay here,” he said.

It was just him and me and it had some awkward silence, I’ll admit. It hung in the air and he started, “So… how’ve you been?” and I had nothing to say except, “fine, just fine,” and I wasn’t lying. I swear I wasn’t. I was not okay, good, or “yeah, it’s all spectacular being in this car with you and spending time with you. I never see you anymore! Where’ve been, good buddy?”

Our past was a sketchy line between acquaintances and friends. A whole ten-year relationship of note passing and locker sharing for nothing. It all ended here, this day and these moments would reveal the truth behind his words..

The storm stopped crashing like tidal waves around us.

We went to the movie, a comedy with angst, and then went to dinner at the local gas station/deli. It was mainly for the truckers that went through, but it was the one decent place in town that had good food.

His apartment was a few blocks away from the main street in the city, and that was only a few mile away. He drove and kept his hands on the wheel, eyes on the road, foot on the pedal.

The rain was picking up, but I wasn’t one worried for my own safety, he was. “Put your seat belt on.” I put it on and we pulled into the apartment parking.

He unlocked the apartment 36B and flicked on the light. It was out and he murmured, “Shit, i’ll be right back… candles.” I could hear him trying to find the walls and then pulling open drawer after drawer in the kitchen. I heard the click of a lighter and then the blaze of a candle, heading into the bedroom. I followed, slipping deep into the sheets and blankets that were piled on his high bed.

The rooms were decorated beautifully, but he had taken the time to make the bedroom more magnificent. The bed was high up off the ground and so comfortable that I think I might have actually sunk into it. The walls were a tan color and went well with the bedspread. Everything matched.

He set the candle of the dresser and took his place on the other side of the bed. I was almost falling asleep by the time he let a word fall out of his mouth. "I'm sorry."

As much as I think I had wanted an apology before, I didn't. "I don't want an apology."

"Then what do you want? I've done everything I could to repair this friendship and it's gotten worse than it has ever been!" He put his head in his hands. "I don't know what else I can do."

"You want to know what's wrong," I stated. He nodded. "What's wrong is that ever since high school you think that you can dangle every person who's life has been screwed up because of you." I sat up, leaning my head against the headboard. "You leave the state for weeks at a time and don't tell me you're leaving. You know the story about Cindy Larson a few years ago. She did the same thing. But that- that one day everyone though she left, but she overdosed and was dead on the floor. You know how much time I had put into worrying about you?

"So all this time since high school, you've been in and out of my life. And when you're in it, you make me feel like a horrible person. God, to think I wasted my friends for you. Five friendships for one of yours and it was nothing!

"You have no clue what you've put me and your family through and you know what was wrong, Why'd you even bother asking?" I stopped my rant and he slowly lifted his head.

"You want to know why I dated all those girls in high school? The one's I destroyed like you think?" HE didn't wait for an answer. "I did it because I love you. Or loved you. Depends on you. I loved you for so long. So, so, so long and you never really paid attention."

Despite his confession, I blew up. I'd always had a temper. "I never paid attention?! We made plans and you'd blow them off with Barbie!"

He shook his head, but he was being defeated and he knew it. "You don't want an apology and you don't want my secrets and confessions. I can't fix this! I can't! I've tried so hard!" He sounded like he could have cried, but he didn't. He left the room with the candle and went into the living room. I heard the couch bend in with his weight.

It was spur of the moment, maybe. It could have just been instinct to go to him. I left the room, feeling for walls in the power outage. He was laying on his side on the couch. I laid down next to him, curling into his stomach. "I'm sorry."

He buried his face in my hair. I could his his hot breath tickling my neck. The thunder and lightening picked up outside, crashing and flashing. The rain smacked against the window in the bedroom, the soft sounds echoing through the apartment. "I am so sorry," I said again.

He kissed my cheek and my neck and the corner of my lips. I thought about all the years and days lost from our friendship, but then I was so happy wen he finally came to see me. Without a girl on his arm. He kissed my shoulder that was near bare by my tank top and it sent shivers throughout me. his lips were warm and new, but they felt so familiar on my skin.

He kissed my mouth. "I've always loved you."

I made my way through memories, remembering the things he used to say that really should have been in a book. They were like lyrics and poems, but he was not philosophical teenager. No teenager is.

I realized that, yeah, I think I could love him at some point in time. Just not quite yet. I had to let go of the past between him and me. Then maybe, even now, I could love him like he deserved to be loved.

He kissed my eyelids and pulled my waist, pulling me closer.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear.

The lights flickered throughout the apartment. I could heart the hum of electricity flowing through the kitchen and clocks in the room.

I smiled and he smiled wider, and it was the fifth of July.