Chapter 1

Tears of Regret and Despair

I sat in the dark and waited. Waited for the sound of the door slamming, her stumbling in drunk again, then yelling, yelling my name, over and over again like nails being scratched on a chalkboard. I sat in the dark and hid, I didn’t want that tonight, I didn’t want her to yell. Not again, why couldn’t she just love me? What had I done wrong, why did she hate me so much? I got good grades, I always made sure the house was clean, but she still yelled, she still hit, she always had to take out the damn bat.

Then it came, the slamming door. I huddled in the corner and braced myself for the yelling, but I didn’t come. I held my breath, wondering what was going on.

“Honey? Honey, its ok, I’m not mad at you, just please come out here. I’m not going to hurt you, I wouldn’t do that, I love you darling.” It was her voice, but those weren’t her words. I didn’t know, I didn’t, I thought she meant it, I thought

it was too wonderful to believe. Yet I ran, I ran to her. Then I saw him standing behind her holding on to her shoulder holding a gun to her head.

“What’s going on mom? Who’s that?” I asked, trembling, what was that man doing to my mother? And why was she pointing at me?

“This is her? She’s not as pretty as you said, but I guess she’ll do, your free to go.” The man pushed my mom to the side, and started walking towards me.

“Mom, what’s going on? What does he mean ‘she’ll do’? MOM?! MOM ANWSER ME!!” I screamed as he reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders.

“Just shut up. You should have seen this coming, at least now I can get something from you, you stupid little bitch. You ruined my life, now at least you can help me, be a good little girl and do what the man wants ok? Just do this for your mom…just this one thing, cant you even handle that?” she took out a cigarette and lighted it. “Do whatever you want, she’s your problem now just don’t make a mess.” Then she just walked out, not even looking back.

“We’re going to have some fun, you and me little girl. Your mommy sold you to me, to pay off her debt at the bar, I might as well get my money’s worth right now.” He backed me up against the wall smiling.

I looked down at my hands, they we’re red with blood, so red, it was everywhere, when he had fallen asleep I had grabbed the lamp and beat him with it, and just kept hitting him, he opened his eyes after the first blow, and tried to stop me, but I just kept going, I kept going and going and going, until I could even recognize his ugly face anymore, until the memory of his disgusting body was gone completely. Then I went to the drawer where my mom kept the gun, “for emergency’s”, and held it to my head, but my mom chose that time to walk through the door. She looked at the blood that had splattered all over me. And then the gun, I followed her gaze, and then pointed it at her.

“How could you do that? Sell me for alcohol? I have done nothing but try to please you, I loved you, and I waited so long for you to say it back, I never once complained when you came home drunk and beat me. Not ONCE! How could you!? How could you? Tears came pouring out.

“I…I do love yo...”

“SHUT UP! Your only saying that because you don’t want me to kill you…I should, right now… shoot you…that’s what you deserve.” I sank to my knees still crying. “LEAVE!! Leave and never, NEVER come back!” with that she ran out the door.

I went to the shower; I didn’t even bother to take my cloths off. I just sat in the water, and waited for the dirty feeling to go away, but it didn’t. I fell asleep in the pouring water.

I woke up screaming. Realizing I was soaking wet and the shower water had turned ice cold I turned it off and went to my room to change my cloths. The place was starting to stink, and I realized the body of the bastard was still here. As soon as I got dressed I grabbed a jumbo trash bag and stuff him in it, I dragged it down the hall and threw it down the garbage shoot. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the blood. I even burned the damned sheets. I wanted nothing left to remind me of what had happened nothing. I had become numb, and I wanted to stay that way.

I managed to go to make it through the week like nothing was wrong, but when I was walking home, I saw a mom hugging her daughter, and them laughing. I just snapped. I ran home when to my room, and found the angriest, loudest music I could and turned it up all the way, and screamed, at the top of my lungs, I screamed until I started to cry.

“WHY!? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANT TO LOVE ME?! WHATS WRONG WITH ME?! WHY CANT SOMEONE LOVE ME?!” I punched the wall, it felt good so I kept on doing it, memories of beating the bastards face in flashed in my head and I punched the wall harder, my hands started to bleed, but I kept on punching, imagining the night all over again, and just like then I couldn’t stop myself. flashes of people running in to find me punching the wall, them dragging me away, someone sticking a needle in my arm. The music still blaring as the world turned dark