I shivered silently in the dark, dank ambulance as it sharply turned the corner

I shivered silently in the dark, dank ambulance as it sharply turned the corner. I shifted on my uncomfortable cot a bit. The nice Ambulance-Man that was sitting back there with me looked up from his paper work.

“Comfortable?” he asked politely. I lied and nodded my head yes. He smiled and resumed his paper work. As I twiddled my thumbs, he thumbed his papers. Then he paused for a second, reading one of the sheets.

“So you go to Christian High School?” again, I nodded. “I was thinking about sending my kids to Living Word Christian Schools, I just wish I could afford it…” It then occurred to me that he was attempting small talk. As if he didn’t care that he was talking to a crazy person. Then I realized he must have asked me a question, because he was staring at me intently.

“Sorry?” I managed to mutter out, shakily.

“Do you have brothers and sisters?” he smiled as he asked the question again.

“Yeah, uh, three. Um, thirteen, six and three,” I said hastily, answering what I was sure would be his next question, “How old are they”. He wasn’t surprised, he just smiled. I really wanted to stop talking, but this man was so nice, how could I not talk to him?

“Do they go to Living Word Christian School?” I inwardly sighed.

“No, they’re homeschooled.”

The ambulance turned sharply again, making me shift once more. I realized that we must be there because we were coming to a stop. I looked out the back window at the beautiful sky and the snow, mountains and mountains of snow. All of a sudden it hit me that this would probably be the last time I would get to be outside for a while.

I made every effort to hold back the tears as we walked in. I wanted to run, right there, right then.

“DO IT! RUN! GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY GET YOU!” I covered my ears; the voices were getting to be too much.

“Are you okay?” Mr. Ambulance-Man asked me, noticing the awkward movement. I shook my head no.

“But I will be,” I answered aloud before he could be concerned. I attempted a smile, but I was sure it was a Practice Smile; one that only looks like you’re trying to smile, instead of actually smiling. He smiled at me anyways and signed me in at the front desk. The lady at the front desk called a number and said, “Jo, we’ve got here signing in. Could you come pick her up and take her to the adolescent ward, please?” The words sounded so scary… so intimidating… so… so… ominous.

“Bye, . Sorry to say this, but I hope I don’t see you again,” Mr. Ambulance-Man said as he left. I felt a tap on my shoulder and jumped about two feet off the ground. I turned and there was an almost pleasant looking lady standing in front of me. Her name-tag read ‘Joanne’ in a simple font.

“Hello, . I’m Jo, and I’m going to be your nurse this morning. Alright?” she asked in a fake-happy tone. I only nodded; I knew I would throw up if I said something. She led me through a pair of huge wooden and metal double doors that said in big red letters, “THIS DOOR IS TO REMAIN LOCKED AT ALL TIMES. ELOPEMENT RISK.” The words scared me; once I went through them, there was no coming out. Until my stay was over, of course. Still, not being in control of where I was, that scared me.

Jo guided me through many tasks that were necessary for The Hospital’s records, like documenting scars, and checking your clothes, and such. Towards the end of the “orientation”, she gave me a white bracelet with my name, The Doctor’s name, and my birthday on it. I liked the bracelet; it was something to chew on instead of feeling the urge to cut, or chew on my nails.

After all that was finished, finally, I was given the option of sleeping or going to hang out with the other girls. I chose to hang out with the other girls and get to know them… or something like that. I walked in and sat down while the other girls were eating breakfast. I yawned and one of the girls noticed.

“Tired?” Christian asked. I nodded, not smiling. “When’d you get here?” she asked nosily.

“About a half hour ago,” I stuttered out, through another yawn. She muttered a curse word and laughed.

“So, what are you here for?” Another girl, Ashlee, asked. I kept my head down. “Hello?” she asked, “Anyone in there?” The girl next to her, Brittany, nudged Ashlee with her elbow.

“She doesn’t want to say yet, don’t make her,” I looked up momentarily at Brittany, gratefully.

Another half hour went by and a tall blonde walked in the room. She was dressed too nicely to be another patient, and besides that, she looked just barely too old for the adolescent ward. She announced in a loud, pleasant voice that her name was Julia.

“So, who is the latest arrival?” she asked. I sheepishly raised my hand after a few seconds of silence and everyone’s eyes turned to look at me. “What’s your name, sweetie?”

“,” I cracked out. It was the first time I’d really started talking since I’d gotten here.

“? Alright, sweetie, when did you get here?” she asked nicely.

“About 7:30,” I replied quietly. She then proceeded to tell me to get in the “Hot Seat”. I got up, shuffled over to the chair in the middle of the room and looked at it. On the chair was a sheet of questions. I assumed that I’d have to answer them, so I took my place, took a deep breath, and read the first question aloud.

Why are you here?

It said in fairly plain print, handwritten, neat. I took another deep breath.

“I’m here because I hear voices. I hear voices, I see things that aren’t there, and I’m a recovering cutter.” I stuttered at the last one, I wasn’t ever ashamed of it, I was just scared that the people around me would be disgusted. Almost instantly, four hands shot up. I looked to Julia for help, she smiled encouragingly, and told me to just call on someone. I looked to the girl on the left, Maddie.

“What do you see?” she asked.

“A white dog, and sometimes shadows or something.” I replied hastily, not really wanting to talk about my problems just yet.

“Really?!” she practically shrieked. “I see white dogs too!” she was ecstatic that we had something in common. I gave her a Practice Smile; I still had to work on the whole “smiling at the other people here” thing. I looked to the next girl over, sitting right in front of me, Brittany. Her question was about the voices, as were the other two questions. Finally, The Doctor called me out for my first evaluation. I walked down the neat hallways to The Doctor’s office.

I don’t remember much about The Doctor; though I do remember that he always said, “What do you think about that?” instead of the typical Doctor question, “How does that make you feel?”.

Being in this psych ward was like living in a sterilized dormitory; everyone always wore socks, there were hand sanitizers everywhere, and no one was allowed to touch. Doors remained open at all times, but we were all in the same hallway, and everything was run on a schedule. It seemed like I wasn’t in control of my life.

A few suns went by, and finally it was my fourth night in Center Pointe. I sat in my usual spot, next to Christian, by the window; feet curled under, chewing on my bracelet. Then my favorite nurse walked in, George. He was leading our group today. He liked to role play. He would yell at someone, get all up in your face, get under your skin, dig up something you never wanted to hear about again, and expect you to react calmly. He spent the first couple minutes roughhousing Ashlee, but then, the next thing I knew, he was staring straight at me. The last thing I’d heard him say was something about Ashlee being able to control her problems, change them. Now, apparently, it was my turn.

“This girl, now, this girl right here,” he pointed directly at me; I already felt a stinging in the back of my eyes and my face growing hot. “She’s been broken… by something she actually couldn’t change. I’m sure ’s told you that she hears voices, and sees things that aren’t there; but , you just need to remember, no matter what’s happening to you, what you’re going through, what you’re doing, you’re always in control of who you are. You may not be in control of your thoughts or your actions, but you are always in control of who you are.”

By this time, I was crying. No, not just crying, bawling. I asked to leave, and that night I cried myself to sleep over the life altering realization that I am in control… it’s just that I wasn’t quite ready to face that just yet…

Later that week, I found out I was almost ready to go home. I was scared, but I knew it would happen one day…