I know my depression is still here
And flowing strong through my mind
When it hits like a tornado
Pulling me up by my fragile roots
And taking me for a terrifying ride.

It urges me to eat and snack
Choking down food while my stomach protests
And I gag on every bite.
Then once the urge is temporarily satisfied
My stomach screams to expel all I just stuffed down my throat.

When my parents are home
I hide away in my room
Irritated by every request and demand
Tears filling my eyes with each yell or scream
(This is when I can no longer block it all out
When it’s louder then even the music blasting in my ears
And I can’t escape the shaking of the house from slamming doors and harsh foot falls)

When I know I would do anything to not be here
To never have to come “home” to this place again.
(This is when I remember the feelings from years ago
And when I want to go back on every promise I made about “it”
When I want to go running back to “it”
The only promise of a future I have ever really known)

When my mind begins to wonder
If I can find love between bed sheets
And if that would be enough to sustain this need I feel
When I cringe at the touch of anyone else
If I could tolerate that of sex
So that after maybe I could have someone to lay next to
And maybe they could fill this empty feeling.
(But it is all just chances of maybe
No promises that I can satisfy anyone
Not enough so they would want to stay for a few hours
with me during the dark nights)

When I want to deafen myself
So I must never endure the laughter of others again.

When neither cutting nor burning
Can cover this despair and pain
When its just far to much to cover
And part of it is always there
Making me want more and more burns to try and mask it.

When I cant seem to laugh
Tears are always ready to fall
And my knees are pulled to my chest.

These are small things I realize are happening
As I feel so strongly depressed.

A/N: I have yet to give into my stomachs demands to vomit and I refuse to tell you what “it” is. If you know then you know how much I hate it.