A/N And here's another chapter. There are seven or eight left, and yes, they're all dramatic and angsty.

Enjoy.

Chapter 12

Waking up took some time. I groaned when I made it to consciousness though. I was surprised to see Todd right there. He leaned over my bed, sitting in the chair next to the small desk I had, and gave me a small, almost pitying smile.

“Hey. Welcome back. How do you feel?” he asked, reaching out and smoothing my bangs from my forehead.

I groaned a little, loving the heat. “Weird…what happened?”

“Well, they gave you some stuff that knocked you out, and you’ve been asleep for nearly a complete twenty four hours. They were shocked when I told them how long you’d been up,” he said, a small grin on his face.

I sighed and tried to reach up to rub my face, but Todd grabbed my arm. “What?”

“Use the other one. You don’t want to disturb the IV in this one. They had a hard time getting it in.”

I stared at him but used my other hand just the same. “Why do I have an IV?”

“Uh, maybe because you haven’t had anything to eat or drink for almost three days. They didn’t even blink when I told them that. You’ve been on a drip since you passed out.”

I sighed and could feel my frown deepen. “I’m sorry, Todd.”

He shook his head. “I should have called earlier. They said the kind of nightmares you’ve been having are worth some heavy sleeping pills and extra watch. I should have done something about it sooner.”

“I don’t blame you at all,” I mumbled. I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Todd just sighed and stared at me a bit, his hand moving slowly up and down my arm. “I’m sorry about all of this. I wish I could have gotten you out of there sooner,” he mumbled softly.

I shrugged a bit. “Better late than never.” Todd just stared at me a bit and the both of us sighed.

“Why don’t you get some more sleep? Relax some more. I have work to finish,” he said, sitting back a bit and turning back to the desk. I sighed and just laid there, my eyes closed, listening to the sound of him breathing and being there.

Things started to go back to normal after that. Todd took a leave of absence, doctors orders. They figured it’d be easier for me to readjust to things if he was there with me, instead of some strangers whom I wasn’t comfortable around. I agreed.

I started eating better not too long after my nightmare incident, in the kitchen with Todd. It wasn’t much, the doctor didn’t want me to strain my stomach, but it was something, and I was drinking a ton of water. Everything was going great.

And then Todd’s girlfriend started coming over again.

I woke up the one night for a bathroom break, around ten. I’d been going to bed at eight for a few weeks, so the night scene was a little fresh. I heard voices when I woke up, coming from Todd’s room. When I heard hers it was like a weight had been dropped on my chest.

They were arguing about something at the time, so I, even though I knew I shouldn’t have, climbed quietly off my bed and listened through the wall.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Todd always tried to stay quiet.

“He’s ruining your life, Todd. He’s sucking the life right out of you.”

“Don’t talk to me about sucking life from anything. You have no idea what he’s been through.”

“And he’s away from it now. He should be able to take care of himself.”

“He’s trying, Lindsey. That’s all he can do right now. To expect anything more from him is selfish.”

“He gets more of you than I do, Todd.”

“I’m all he knows. I’m the only person he can trust right now, especially right now.”

“He needs to grow up.”

“He’s suffered more than you could even imagine for a life time!”

“It’s his own damned fault for getting involved with that man! If he hadn’t have been a whore and run off—,”

“Don’t you ever say that again!”

But that was the last of it. After that I curled up on my bed and held my head, pressing on my ears and trying with everything to forget what I’d heard as I sobbed.

A few hours after that was the first time I was driven to cut. I stole a kitchen knife and sat in my room. I made it through one long cut across the top of my arm before I dropped the knife and sat there. I didn’t snap out of it until I noticed the little spots of blood on my sheets. I reacted to that and started to clean myself up. It’d been pretty numb until I started paying attention to it. Now it burned.

I didn’t eat much the next morning. Todd made a rice pudding thing and I just nibbled it a little. He stared at me, but I tried not to look at him.

“What’s all this now? I thought you were getting better?” he said, mild sternness on his voice.

I shrugged. “I’m fine, just not real hungry today. I don’t feel so great.”

“Should I call the doctor?”

“No…it’s just a little stomach ache.”

“You’re sure?”

“Todd….I’m fine. Okay? I just need some rest.” I looked up at him, into his eyes, and thoughts from the night before filled my head.

Todd sighed. “Well…I don’t believe you…Not after that look.”

“What look?” I didn’t think I was capable of showing emotion.

“The depressed one. That one that tells me you’re lying to me and you’re afraid to tell me what’s on your mind.” He looked concerned, sincerely concerned, and I hated that argument from the night before. I knew he cared about me, but how long was that going to last? He wouldn’t pick me over that woman. There was no way.

“Well…that’s all you’re going to get…I’m sorry.” I got to my feet and made my way to my room.

They argued again that night. I woke up in time for her to say something about how I do it all for attention, and Todd get even more pissed. I pulled the knife out again and took it out on my arm. I almost completely freaked out after that one. The multiple cuts bled like crazy and I honestly didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to bother Todd, not while they were still arguing. I didn’t want him to see me like this. So I layered what was left of my tissues on my arm, tied them on with one of the long socks I had, and tugged on my sweater. They were still arguing, so I wasn’t worried about then hearing me as I slipped out of the room, and before I knew it I was knocking on a foreign door, holding tight to my throbbing arm.

The door opened and I just stared at the floor, embarrassed as hell. I couldn’t believe I’d come here of all places.

“Kay what…what are you doing here? Are you okay?”

I took in a shuddering breath and glanced up at him. “I’m sorry…I just…need help,” I mumbled, hissing when I squeezed my arm too hard.

“Well okay…I’m not gunna get raided am I?”

“I’ll just go, I’m sorry.” Damnit.

“No, no, it’s okay, I was kidding, c’mere, what’s wrong,” he said, nearly grabbing me and tugging me into the room. I bit my lip and looked down at my arm. When I peeked I couldn’t believe that there was blood spotting my sweater. “Whoa…what’s wrong?”

I bit my lip and gulped. “Um…” I choked on my words and stared at the floor.

“Hey. C’mon now, you ain’t waking me up for nothing. Now you came here so I expect you trust me at least that much. And even if I can’t handle it, this look right here makes me want to try,” he said, his last sentence soft as he reached up and cupped my cheek. “What happened?” I bit my lip, squeezed my eyes shut, and moved my hand up to cover my eyes.

Reed was quiet for a minute as I stood there before he sighed and tugged me a little closer. “Okay…” He helped me back to the couch and tugged at my sweater. “Let’s get this off.” I grabbed it. “What?”

“I’m….” my throat wasn’t willing to open up enough to let me speak.

“I know you’re uncomfortable, that was obvious the first day I met you, but I can’t do anything for your arm while you’re wearing this. Don’t you have a tee-shirt on under this?” I shook my head. “Okay, I’ll be right back.” He got to his feet and disappeared for a minute and when he came back a thin tank was shoved into view. “Why don’t you go put that on? It’s a little big for you, but you’ll be wearing something. Go on,” he said. I took it, still not looking up, and zipped into the bathroom to change. My arm was killing me and when I saw how much it’d bled I nearly started to panic. I hadn’t meant for it to get so bad.

I tugged on the tank, practically drowned in it, and stepped quietly back into the room. Reed was in the kitchen and motioned me in, sitting me down in a chair, the table covered with anything he had in way of bandages.

He tugged the other chair over and carefully we worked at my arm. I didn’t look at him, I stared at the floor. He didn’t say anything, just went about fixing me up, gentle as always. When he was done he moved his chair in front of me and just sat there for a little bit. I continued to stare blankly at anything but him, but after a while he reached out and grabbed my chin softly, tilting up my head until I was.

“You gunna tell me what happened?” I shook my head. “Are you going to tell Todd what happened?” I shook my head almost violently. “Kay, you have to tell someone. If you don’t, I will. They’ll at least find out you did it. Those are pretty bad and I’m not going to risk you trying to come over here every couple of hours so I can fix it for you. That, and Kay, if something’s so wrong that it’s making you do this, you have to tell someone.”

“I can’t…I can’t.” My voice was low and choked and I shuddered as my mind raced with the memories of all the things that woman said. Reed sighed and pulled me into a hug again. I welcomed it. Even if he was annoyed as hell with me and probably wanted nothing more than to go back to bed, it was nice feeling safe, feeling wanted, accepted. “Am I worth it?” I was surprised that he’d heard me.

“Worth what?” He didn’t really sound annoyed.

I sat there for a moment and thought about everything I’d heard, all the hate, how tired of trying to defend me Todd had started to sound. It hurt. I loved him so much but I knew he’d get rid of me if that woman bitched about me enough. I knew I wasn’t worth anything to him. I wasn’t worth all the time and effort. All the nights he had to wake up because of my screaming, all the drama, the tears…I wasn’t worth anything.

“I don’t want to be alive.” Reed grabbed me up tight and I just started wailing. I didn’t. It hurt too much.

I ended up staying there for the rest of the night. I’d pretty much passed out in Reed’s arms, but when I woke up I was tucked snuggly in a bed and I was actually very comfortable.

I waited a bit, laying there, and then I heard voices in the other room, familiar voices, one so soothing it made me ache. I got up, hissing as I bumped my shoulder, and shuffled slowly from the room. I wasn’t surprised to see Todd there and he looked upset. Not angry, but…hurt. The way he looked at me made me feel naked and I curled up on myself a little, crossing my arms and hunching over a bit. Todd got up and walked over to me, brushing my hair back softly.

“You okay?” I shrugged. “You should have told me.” I shrugged again. “Okay…let’s go home. We’ll talk. Thanks, Reed.” I looked up and caught them shake hands. Reed looked over at me and smiled a little. It was calming, as small as it was. Todd tugged his jacket off, it took a moment to realize that he was still dressed from the night before, and he wrapped it around my shoulders, his hand smoothing over my back comfortingly. I didn’t look at him. He and Reed made some comments between them and I was being gently led out the door and back to our apartment.

I stopped before we entered and he stopped with me, his hand sliding up and cradling the back of my head gently. “What’s up?”

I took in a shuddering breath. “Are…there gunna be doctors all over me again? More shots, more medication, more people poking and prodding at me and…” I snuffed and covered my face. Todd ticked his tongue softly and pulled me into a little hug. “I can’t do it anymore.”

“I know. I know this is hard for you.” I shook my head and snuffed. “There aren’t any doctors. I have to call them anyway, Kay, otherwise they could take you and I don’t want that…but if you can promise to talk to me and tell me what’s wrong before you hurt yourself like this, then I can promise that you’ll be here with me, okay?” I nodded. Todd smiled at me gently and I walked into the room.

There was nothing on TV. It’d been the third hour we’d sat there and watched, not talking, just sitting, staring blankly at the flickering screen. I’d zoned so far out it took me a few minutes to realize when it was off.

Todd scooted a little closer and rubbed his hand across my back. “How’s your shoulder?”

“It’s fine,” I mumbled. I was tired.

“Should we change the bandage?”

“No, it’s all right. It wasn’t bleeding that much last night.”

“We should probably change it to keep it clean. I don’t want you to get an infection. It could be a lot worse than you’d planned for,” he said, running his fingers softly through my hair.

I sighed and stared at the floor, the crappy old carpet he had there that was worn from people walking on it. “I don’t want to take up your time.”

Todd furrowed his brow and his hand stopped moving, moving down to holding my back gently. “What do you mean? You’re not taking up my time, Kay, I want to do this.”

“Oh don’t lie to me. Admit it, you can barely stand me,” I practically mumbled, getting up and walking into the kitchen. I grabbed a glass and forced myself to drink some water.

Todd stood somewhat at a distance and watched me for a moment. I could feel his eyes burning into my back, but not a hateful burning. I could tell he was hurt and worried and it killed me. I loved him so much but I could never have him.

“I’m sorry you had to hear all that, Kay. I’d hoped you hadn’t.”

I gulped and filled my glass. “Hear what?”

“Stop it. Why do you do that, Kay? The last thing I want is for you to feel threatened by me. What do I have to do to make you comfortable? I want you to be able to talk to me,” he said, getting closer as he spoke.

I shuddered and grabbed the counter to steady myself, my knees feeling weak. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Talk to me.”

“I don’t know how. I don’t know what to say. My head’s always so fucking fogged,” I mumbled.

“I know. It’ll get better, Kay. C’mere.” He held out his arms and for once I let him hug me. I won’t deny that it hurt, but that one time was all right.

We fixed my arm after that, Todd putting it through a full treatment. It ached afterwards from having had all the alcohol and crap on it, but it beat getting an infection. Todd had said it’d looked a little red when he looked at it.

We had lunch not long after that and I took a nap. It was late when I woke, just in time for dinner, and I sat and ate quietly with Todd. We watched a movie with desert and by the time ten rolled around I was confused.

“Where’s your girlfriend? Doesn’t she usually come over around this time?” I mumbled at Todd who was snuggled on the other end of the couch.

He looked over at me a moment, sighed, and looked back to the TV. “She won’t be coming over anymore,” he said, his voice rather tight.

Against my better judgment I asked, “Why?”

He sighed heavily and I cringed a bit. “I broke up with her.”

The tension and silence hung in the air for a while. “It’s my fault, isn’t it…”

“No. No, it’s definitely all her…and maybe a little me. You didn’t have anything to do with it. She shouldn’t have said some of the shit she had. It was completely uncalled for.” I didn’t really believe him but I figured I shouldn’t tempt fate and piss him off. I stayed up for another half hour, took my pills, and went to bed.