Another short ‘play’ by Jejune and Clarity. Yeeeah. Just for the record, Jejune wrote Ralph and Clairty wrote Simon. Enjoy!

Setting: On a bus in duh 'hood of LA.

SIMON

This is, you know, the best thing to happen all week.

RALPH

It, um, is?

SIMON

Yeah. Don’t you just love being stranded on buses in the slums? I swear, they should manufacture buses just so they break down.

RALPH

Ha ha?

(beat)

Wait, where are you going? The driver told us to stay here—

SIMON

I’m going to the library. Jeez, where’d you think I’m going? I’m getting off this stupid bus. I have no desire to be mugged.

RALPH

The library is, like, a thousand blocks away—

(dismayed beat)

Wait, what do you mean MUGGED?!

SIMON

I’m not going to the library! My God, where were you raised? IN A HOLE?

RALPH

(confused)

But you just said—

SIMON

Just shut up. I’m leaving. You can be kidnapped by addicts if you want. See if I care.

RALPH

Um, I think I’ll come with you…

SIMON

I think you won’t.

(rolls eyes)

RALPH

Oh, alright…

(beat)

Hey, is that a rabbit’s foot around your neck?

SIMON

(sarcastically)

No, it’s my baby brothers.

RALPH

Wait, what?

SIMON

Yeah, well, he wasn’t the nicest kid. If you know what I mean.

RALPH

(horrified)

You mean he mugged someone?!

SIMON

Oh yeah. He was a tough two-year-old. He had a gun and everything. You had to be careful not to get on his bad side.

RALPH

Whoa, scary! I didn’t know two-year-olds could own guns.

(beat)

Or have bad sides…

SIMON

They passed a law a few years back.

RALPH

Is that really safe?

SIMON

Perfectly! Two-year-olds have the greatest brain capacity of any age! Right now you, my friend, are not nearly as smart as a preschooler.

RALPH

Yeah, yeah, I totally think I read that somewhere.

SIMON

I’m sure you did.