ok, this is a satire/parody i had to write for class (all my postings seem to be for that reason...). it's short and rather stupid, but i found it amusing nonetheless. keep in mind that it's somewhat based on the Lord of the Rings concept of orcs and wizards and superhuman powerful beings. my brother found it hilarious. i think this is quite possibly the shortest thing i have ever posted.

Xqulkdjf is pronounced outloud as 'Bleep', another awful play on words...kinda.

beta'd by Amindaya, and told to post by mya.

tuesday, 29 april, 2008. 10:26 pm.

Everyone knew the evil wizards were going to be pathetic; it happened time and again. There was always one fool human with a penchant for magic mumbling, wand tipping, and low morals, who figured he could outwit a ginormously powerful subhuman thing by siding with it for the Battle to End All Battles. Timely backstabbing couldn’t be clearer than if the words were tattooed on his forehead; the most recent one wasn’t tattooed, but his pointy goatee was awfully telling. But for all the hype, when the ‘good’ wizards started their own magic mumbling and robe fumblings, the fool wizards would normally drop command and run like hell, leaving the orcs to get the snot kicked out of them in the name of whatever sickening do-good wizards and knights were on the other side.

--

Xqulkdjf was an orc, a grunt, but it was annoying to be a bleep among all the others. So he went by Smitty. That’s what the nametag on his uniform read, anyway. Actually, the uniform was snatched from one of the human corpses scheduled to boil in the mess pot the night his mother dragged him kicking and screaming to the orc encampment; he was nine, the age most mothers tired of having to feed a sorry sack of orc gut. Smitty rather hoped the human Smitty was tasty; emaciation was setting in in the interim.

The gong sounded for vacation of mess after pieces of human-Smitty were tossed about, halting the food fight for a few moments before it began up again; an eyeball fwirled through the air and was caught between the teeth of a particularly gruesome and ugly orc. Nearby orcs jumped the burly fellow and stars sparked and frolicked about because of the all-out brawl. A sergeant passing by happened to meet up with a spare cherry, which exploded on compact--as was the nature of the small red bombs--and blew his warty face from the rest of his head. The battle scar promoted him from sergeant to lieutenant, but since he’d been a corporal yesterday, it really didn’t matter.

Some orcs had all the luck.

--

Life was easy enough in the armed forces once Smitty learned when to duck, only losing one eye to ‘friendly fire’ during morning drills before he figured it out that “fire in d’hole!” wasn’t the call for spicy hot wings.

The embarrassing color of the uniforms was something else entirely. The powerful subhuman being--Frank--was rather partial to it and had decreed that all his minions wear the color, or else, even though pink was a “sissy” color; henceforth, he had it be known that it was no longer called “pink,” but “bloody rampage.” Bloody rampage did nothing to bring out the color of Smitty’s eyes. Besides that, the good wizards and knights alike laughed themselves in stitches whenever the two armies set up tea dates for battle, the orcs sporting their bloody rampage uniforms and standard issue lace-less marine boots.

It was all rather hard on the self-esteem.

-- --

After five some years of being laughed at and snot-kicked by pussy ‘good’ wizards and knights, a rumor began to circulate amongst the ranks that Frank had finally stricken his ultimate plan of action off the confidential list, making it free to the public, as it were. Amongst some of the top bullet points--scented toilet paper in all public latrines, for example--was the objective that he would use his power over wizards to curse all the shoelaces of the world, causing them to snarl badly enough that people would be forced to switch to the highly unfashionable Velcro fastenings.

This, of course, sent most feeble minded idiots into a terrified rage, until much of the human populace was bald and toothless from the multitude of hair-ripping, teeth-gnashing fits.

Smitty, not needing laces anyway, decided that enough was enough. He was tired of losing his snot in battles--who knew the regularity of meals, after all--and being forced to wear bloody rampage every day. Bloody rampage was only fun when it was the act, not the color.

So, though he was but a lowly field marine, he snorted back his snot and marched up a winding tower with obsidian steps, paying Frank a little social call. He hesitated to claim it as a booty call, because he had neither treasure or much of a butt to speak of. Misrepresentation of facts often led to a lot of red tape, and there was already more than enough of that gumming up operations.

The pointy goatee wizard who had disappeared quite some time ago was strapped to the wall and undergoing horrific torture by having his toenails painted bloody rampage, but Smitty managed to overlook that. Only because Frank made him a balloon animal hat. Still, hat aside, Smitty decided that he was done bearing the yoke of stupid laws by the likes of beings such as Frank, so he raised one lace-less foot and boot and applied it to the backside of the evil ruler, sending the subhuman being flying through the air and out the window.

A huge pit lined with dysfunctional teddy bears beside an abandoned teddy bear factory broke his fall, and thus, Frank became the butt end of everyone’s bad jokes for years to come.

-

There was still a war being waged; however, the do-goody wizards decided that they’d try to put one over on the moronic orcs by suggesting they settle things with a good game of Go Fish; little did they know, orcs were teethed on card games.

When the orcs won the first two games, the humans suggested best three-out-of-five, but were eaten instead, which gave Smitty indigestion when he swallowed someone’s shoelace before realizing it wasn’t the entrails he’d mistaken it to be.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

A/N: END.