Characters:

Liza

Nathan

Angela

Grace

Zero

Dina

Germaine

The Stage Hand - a white gloved hand that appears on the side of the stage.

STAGE: There is no scenery and it relies heavily on lighting, props and extras to give the illusion that there is scenery present.

The stage is bare and dark. There are no signs of any set or people. The silence hovers in the darkness for a moment until we here footsteps and in the darkness, we see vague outline of someone walking center stage and stopping. The person clears their throat and a light floods on them, revealing Liza with a piece of paper in her hand.

Liza: (smiling) Thank you. (addressing the audience) I hold in my hand something truly powerful. I’ve seen people cry over it. People laugh over it. Friendship’s torn apart faster than you can say “Why?” This thing has the power to give some courage, some doubt and some enough hot air in their heads to keep the Goodyear Blimp floating for a very long time. Yeah, you’ve all heard it. You’ve probably seen it too. But I doubt it has the same significance to you as it does to us. (she walks over to the side of the stage and someone hands her a roll of tape from offstage. She takes it and tapes up the piece of paper.) We call it a cast list.

The stage lights up and from off stage a group of kids run towards it. All screaming hysterically. They practically are climbing over each other to see it. There is no coherent dialogue but it is assumed that while some are ecstatic, some aren’t. Liza stands to the side, watching the action.

Liza: For us that are brave enough to call ourselves Theater Kids, this list is our life. It can make or break the status. But, I’ve gone through it enough to know how people react to it. It never changes.

Nathan: (break away from the group and walks next to Liza) I was never worried. I’ve been a lead in every play I’ve ever been in. Honestly, I wasn’t worried at all. I like to think of myself as a bit of light in this dark, dark world full of…(he looks over at the group still gathered around the paper pantomiming reaction) …the untalented. But I think they all look up to me. Why not? I’m…well…Nathan Webber after all. How could they not?

Liza: True that.

(An offstage person hands her a balloon with the word EGO written in sharpie on the front.)

Liza: Here, hold this for a while. (She hands it to Nathan, who gladly accepts it and returns back to the crowd) So we have our egomaniac and then we have…

Angela: (breaks away like Nathan before her and walks next to Liza. Standing calmly at first before jumping around screaming) I got in! I got in! I never thought I’d get in. Oh God, last night I didn’t sleep. I was up all night praying to every god I could think of and some I think I made up. But…I got in! I was so nervous.

Liza: Bravo Angela. It’s good to get some fresh faces into the cast.

Angela: (dances back into the crowd, signing “I Got In”)

Liza: And while egomaniac and hyperactive ‘generally surprised’ are entertaining…

Grace: (breaks away and walks next to Liza, looking frightened) I got in. No, I can’t get in. Why did I even try out? I know I’m not good. Oh my God I think I’m going to throw up! (She covers her mouth as if about to vomit)

Liza: It’s all right (The “Stage Hand” hands Liza a deflated balloon which she in turn hands to Grace) Get into a few more plays and we’ll have that looking like that. (She points to Nathan’s)

Angela: (runs back to the group)

Liza: Now there’s truly talented and the always modest…

Zero: (walks forward and stands next to Liza) Zero Feinstein. I just do it cause I like theater. I’m not into all the casting drama and what not. As far as I’m concerned keep the drama on the stage.

Liza: Clever.

Zero: (walks back as Dina runs to Liza, almost running into Zero)

Dina: We both got in! (she hugs Liza, smiling) I’m really excited. I was actually worried somewhat. This is the last play of our high school careers after all.

Liza: (nodding) Can’t argue with you there. This is my good friend, Dina Menzel. We’ve enjoyed all of theater’s ups and downs since first walking into this place.

Dina: And this is Liza Lansbury. She’s enjoyed a wide range of roles from musicals to plays. Never made it into the limelight. Until now…!

Liza: (now as a character instead of a narrator) What?!

Dina: You did it! You made female lead!

Liza: No way! (walks over to list and reads it over. Walks back in shock) I can’t believe it. I can’t…no way!

Dina: (nodding) Alongside the infamous Zero as the leading man!

Liza: I can’t believe it. Wow! That’s…this is great! This is the first thing I’ve ever gotten that I’ve really been proud of. Dina! I’m…freaking ecstatic!

Dina: As you should be. Now get back to your clever monologue while things settle down over in that corner of the world. (laughing, she returns back to the crowd)

The crowd, slowly exits of stage, Liza watching them go. The last person pulls the cast list off and tears it up. Liza watches this, staring at the person as they storm off. She shakes her head.

Liza: See? It’s make or break in the world of theater. But it’s hardly just getting the main role as keeping it. I mean, God! These people are horrible about it. Everyone’s out to bite your face off and everyone’s got some opinion on the casting.

As she speaks, Nathan and a few others make their way out. All with cell phones in hand. They spread out among the stage, disconnected from one another. All of them standing as Liza watches them from offstage. Going out into the audience and sitting even.

In the style of Cabaret’s Telephone Song

Girl: -picks up cell phone- Hello?

Nathan: Hello! Well have I got news for you. You want to hear it?

Girl: Of course I do!

Nathan: They got Liza in the lead. Zero next to her. Some other no-goods in the back!

Girl: No way!

Nathan: Yeah, hold on. -changing over to another line- Hello?

Boy: Hello! Did you see it? I know you did! I can’t believe it!

Nathan: Me too kid.

Boy: Liza in the lead? Are you sure it’s not a joke? I can’t imagine her up there!

Nathan: I hope she doesn’t choke!

All of those on stage laugh and exit. Liza watches, disheartened.

Liza: I may not be the best. But I earned it. Or I like to thing I did. (shakes her head, regaining her smile) Well, after the heartbreak of casting is over and done with. We start rehearsals. I can’t say they’re fun, but…I do enjoy them none the less. But it comes with the territory. Not to mention the other reasons rehearsals are good…

A line of people marches in and stops beside Liza. She turns to look at them.

Boy: Hey, wanna go catch a movie?

Liza: Sorry, can’t. I have rehearsal.

After she rejects them, they turn around and walk sadly off the stage.

Person: They made Saw into a musical? I got two tickets!

Liza: I got rehearsal. Sorry.

Person: PS I Love You II: The Sequel?

Liza: Rehearsal.

Person: Mylie Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers concert.

Liza: Rehearsal.

Person: Dramatic reading of The Grapes of Wrath?

Liza: Rehearsal. (sighs) But once rehearsals start all the pain of…well…rehearsals, comes with it.

The Stage Hand hands her a pile of papers as Dina, Nathan (still holding the balloon), Zero, Angela and Grace enter in with scripts as well and they begin reading.

Zero: (reading the script) But Miss, I can’t. I mean…I’ve already tried a dozen times to get you out of my mind and…

Liza: And what…?

Zero: And…I don’t think I want to!

Nathan: (throws the script in the air) Ugh! What is that?

Liza: (throws him a dirty look, but tries her best to ignore him otherwise) Sir, what are you saying? You couldn’t possibly…no…you couldn’t. It’s not right.

Nathan: UGH! GERMAIN!

(Germaine’s gender is not specified and can be played by either a male or a female. But whe the gender is specified after the role has been filled, Mr. or Ms. Is put before the last name. He or she is never seen on stage and is instead heard as a voice.)

Germaine: What Nathan?

Nathan: Tell them not to do it so badly. Tell them to do it like…like I would do.

Germaine: (sighs) They’re doing fine.

Nathan: But I would have done it differently. I would’ve have made it seem more…deep.

Liza: (turning to the audience) It’s people like him who drive people out of theater. We really aren’t all like that, believe me. Some of us just have…(she looks at the balloon and shrugs) well…y’know.

Germaine: Nathan, just…let me do the directing.

Nathan: Of course Germaine, but I just think…

Germaine: Nathan!

Nathan: Okay…(mumbling) I was just gonna say that…

Germaine: Nathan!

Nathan: I didn’t say anything!

Germaine: (sighs) Just…keep going from where you left off.

There is silence as they look from one another. Trying to figure out who has the next line.

Angela: Oh! Um…(reads the lines first, mouthing them to herself) Excuse me! Anna?

Liza: Oh dear! It’s my mom! Hide!

Angela: Anna! Storms on stage. Anna! What are you doing? Arms are crossed and looking untrustingly at Anna.

Liza: Why, nothing mother.

Angela: Begins looking around. Shakes head. I swear I heard voices.

Nathan: (sighs loudly, making it as obvious as possible that he is not happy with the acting. They try to continue but he sighs throughout the dialogue.)

Liza: You must have been imagining it.

Angela: I swear I did. Shakes head again. Well, I’m sorry for barging in on you in the middle of the night. Good night. Walks off stage right.

Liza: It’s all clear now. You can come out.

Zero: Oh Anna…if they found us.

Liza: I know. Would you stop with your sighing?!

Nathan: What?! I didn’t do anything…

Liza: Would you stop with that! We already all know that you think your better at this than all of us but would you shut-up about it! You’re not helping anything!

Grace: (who has been looking nervous the entire time) Oh God, I can’t do this! (The Stage Hand thrusts a bucket labeled: ‘nervous?’ forward and she vomits into it)

Nathan: I can’t stand these people! I can’t work with these people Germaine!

Germaine: Nathan…would you just…stop for a minute and let me do the job I get paid SO much to do?

Zero: (rolls eyes) Come on Nathan, don’t make this like when we went to see Wicked.

Nathan: I thought I could do a better job than her! They should have thanked me for going on stage to save that show. It would’ve sucked otherwise.

Angela: (genuinely) I’m just REALLY happy to be here.

Dina: Well this is great.

Grace: (vomits again into the bucket) I haven’t even read my lines and I’m already throwing up! Oh God!

Liza: (to the audience) Rehearsals are a blast, and that’s only the read through. Wait till we get to actually staging it. That’s where all the real fun is.

All except Dina and Liza leave.

Dina: You can’t seriously be thinking of running away with him can you? What would our mother think?

Liza: Oh forget her! I’ve been letting her keep me down for too long now. Too long!

Dina: But you can’t…

Angela: (from offstage) Wait! Do I come in yet?

Germaine: No…

Angela: Okay!

Dina: (regaining herself) But you can’t seriously…

Angela: Now?

Germaine: No! Wait till it says MOTHER ENTERS.

Angela: Where’s it say that?

Germaine: On the script.

Angela: Oh, okay! Thank you!

Dina: (once again, recomposing herself) But you can’t seriously be thinking of marrying the man can you?

Liza: I do! I do and I will.

There is an awkward silence as they wait for Angela to come on.

Germaine: Angela!

Angela: What?!

Germaine: You missed your cue!

Angela: What cue?

Germaine: Your cue to come on!

Angela: Oh…when was that?

Germaine: God! Okay, take five people.

The others walk back on the stage and gather in groups. Angela and Grace stand near Nathan and Zero, Dina and Liza form another.

Liza: (to the audience as Zero and Dina talk) I wish I could say that I was used to what happens next, but I have to say it’s still the most painful part about theater.

Nathan: Hey Liza!

Liza: (rolling her eyes) Being made fun of. These guys can be brutal. What is it Nathan?

Nathan: My friend Cassie really wanted the role. I think she would do it better than you would. Or…ever could actually. And I think that we should go talk to Germaine about you switching out with her. How does that sound?

Liza: (back to the audience) And here’s where I make my mistake. (stomps over to Nathan) Listen here mouthpiece. I don’t know where you get off playing your stupid little game and I don’t know who inflated your head to its current size, but I can tell you that you are not what you make yourself out to be! You are a B class actor and when you get out there, the world will tear you apart. And I’ll be laughing the entire time…

Nathan stands there, looking shocked. The Stage Hand hands Liza a thumbtack or nail in which she proceeds to stab the balloon marked EGO with. It pops and falls to the ground. He walks off stage, looking dejected. Liza walks center stage as everyone exits.

Liza: Sometimes I wonder if my life is an inside joke that I’m not in. How else could irony exist? I’d become the very thing that I hated about theater, and in that, I let myself down.

Zero walks out, slowly as Liza continues to talk.

Liza: But that’s the curse of this place I guess. I think it’s alive sometimes and I think that theater is some kind of entity or something. I don’t know but it posses everyone in it. No one can escape. Not students, not parents, not…

Zero: You and me?

Liza: (jumps a little at his voice) Oh! Um, hey. How did you…

Zero: Break into your monologue? Writer’s convince I guess…

Liza: Oh…(looks embarrassed) Hey um…do you…um…do you think that I’m conceited?

Zero: I think everyone is.

Liza: Positive outlook on life I see.

Zero: Not like that…I mean…I think everyone is conceited a little bit. But a little bit of conceit never hurt anyone. The problem is when it becomes who you are. When you actual start believing it. That’s when you…end up…yeah.

Liza: I hate it anyways.

Zero: Who doesn’t? But still, you’re one of those that manages to keep you hands usually clean of drama. It’s a good thing.

Liza: (smiling) Thanks. (nods towards the audience) I think they’re starting to feel like a third wheel, you know? I mean. Wow! Ha! Awkward! (laughs uneasily)

Zero: (chuckling) Well, see you tomorrow.

Liza: (watches him go) Bye… (sighs, but more of relief than anything. Talks to audience but does so awkwardly. As if she doesn’t know what to say) Nice guy, huh? Really…really something, isn’t he. (shakes her head, regaining herself) Anyways, glad that’s over and done with. So yes, after tryouts and rehearsals comes…

Grace: (runs onto stage with bucket) Oh God! It’s opening night! (throws up and runs off stage handing the stage hand the bucket)

Liza: Couldn’t have put it better myself. (The Stage Hand hands her a flower from off stage) Why thank you Mr. Stage Hand!

The Stage Hand: (gives a thumbs up)

Liza: (looks over and sees Nathan talking to Grace as they walk on stage together)

Nathan: Hey, don’t worry. You’ll do great.

Grace: (shakes her head) I know I’ll mess up! I know I will! (she reaches back for the bucket which The Stage Hand holds out. But Nathan pulls her hand away from it)

Nathan: Grace. You got this part because you deserved it. You are an amazing actress, that’s why you’re in this play after all. Because you are that great.

Grace: You…you really think so?

Nathan: Yeah.

Grace: (smiling) Well…um…wow. Thanks.

Nathan: (turns and walks stopping in front of Liza) Oh…hi.

Liza: Hey. Um…hey.

An awkward silence prevails between the two of them.

Liza: Well, before this awkward silence lasts longer than either of us want…I’m sorry about…that.

Nathan: (shrugs) It’s okay. You’re kinda the first person to ever say that to me. Just…caught me off guard.

Liza: Well, it still was bratty of me. And I’m sorry. You’re a great actor and performer and…I got you a little something. (she reaches back and The Stage Hand hands her an extravagant balloon with the words EGO? written on it)

Nathan: (gasps) You shouldn’t have.

Liza: Probably not, but what the heck. (she hands it to him and they hug before he walks off stage. She walks towards Grace, who is still beaming.)

Grace: I think I’ll do fine…(as she fumbles with the balloon that was given to her at the beginning)

Liza: Here, let me get this one for you. (takes the balloon and blows it up, handing it back to her. But this is marked confidence instead of ego.)

Grace: (takes the balloon, smiling all the while and walks off stage)

Liza: (walks center stage, where she began. Behind her, Nathan and Zero stand off to the side pantomiming a scene as she speaks) In the end though, nothing can match the feeling of standing center stage with the lights pouring over you. (Nathan and Zero are replaced by Grace and Dina who pantomime as scene as well) All you get the joy of seeing is this. The final production. But if you even knew half the things that went on behind the scenes…well…they ought to write a play about that! (laughs, but then stops as if realizing what she just said) But…it’s worth it. And that’s why I love it. In the end.

The cast walks forward and takes a bow as The Stage Hand holds out a sign that says: Applause!

The end.