We are walking. We. I am not alone. I don’t have to daydream to keep myself satisfied. I dreamt quite often of times and opportunities we would get to touch, to kiss, to love, to hate… I yearn for his attention. I do know, though, for a fact that he does not understand the satisfaction he gives me at this time. Although, to my understanding, my feelings are and forever will be forbidden amongst the many bystanders. They don’t seem bystanders in their own minds. They are merely, at this point in time, a memory, a fallback option, a listed suggestion.

Though, I know when this trance, this boy puts upon me every waking moment I see or hear of his presence, breaks, I will in fact recall my “memories” as friends again. Bosom pals. My guides. Some are accepting of my feelings towards this boy. No this man. It isn’t about them, though. It is about our walking now: together, almost hand in hand as I have wished upon so many stars, on so many occasions.

His hair is black as the farthest part of the moon. The skin. His skin is as pale and as sweet as a flower petal. Oh! The nose of his. Shaped to perfection and brows that explains the emotion in the eyes. He is strong but not intimidating. Lanky almost. His eyes are portals to the mind. Beautiful brown with maybe a hint of green those eyes. Green. My favorite.
Silence for almost what seems hours but is really only a few moments. His presence dominates my being. My perception. Can’t fight it off. He glances my way with a smile. A smile, alas! Dazzling beauty is radiating from him yet again. The white of the enamel magnifies.

You want to sit down here? His voice is muffled but deep. I agree to sit on the damp bench. I can see my breath, but more importantly, his. My heart burns to savor the sweet scent of his breath.
His hands are battered a bit, I notice. Ink in the crevices of his fingernails, a bruise on the top of his left hand. Hurt maybe but beautiful no doubt. He is showing off his work skills by merely situating his hand on the back of a bench.

He leans in still with the breath of an angel heaving in and out. My stomach does a flip flop as I inhale the intoxicating smell. His breath.

You wanted to talk about something. Important perhaps? His voice broke my gaze and helped regain my composure.
This was the moment. THE MOMENT. I must reveal the truth to my nonsensical behavior towards my fellow “beings”.
Yes. I spoke ever so smoothly without his gaze. No. He has turned to my eyes. I am indeed getting sucked into those portals.
Why is my mouth hanging open? Say it. In five… I have t-to say four don’t let his stare destroy you. I have been meaning to tell you three come on get to the point! That two hurry get it over with! I am erm… one now or never simple enough! I l-like that car over there. Stupid. Dumb. Now my finger is already pointed in the direction of a black car. I don’t know what that is.

Umm… Yeah. You have been meaning to tell me about a car? Why me? I am so stupid I cannot do anything.

I have to get going I’m sorry, but it is getting late and I need to go to work tomorrow. Getting up I give one last glance over my shoulder and he smiles. Why did he do that? Those soft lips are framing his sparkling teeth. I want to come into contact with those brims. Just walk away.

What he isn’t aware of now is what I came to tell him. What did I expect to say? Better yet, what did I expect in response? OH, oh. I can feel my cheeks burning even in such cold weather conditions. I run my hand over my hair in attempt to soothe my aching. It’s not working. I don’t do sadness. Yet it takes me over many days at a time. The seasons have passed, so many months waiting. Nothing to set me free but one thing. It is blatantly obvious. I cannot look into that face without having feelings that stir like a bubbling cauldron.

Go home. I get into my car not even realizing that my coat is stuck in the door. I didn’t notice how hard it was to steer the wheel. My mind is in pursuit and my eyes are clouded and damp. Why won’t the tears come out? I have cried so much over this person that I cannot do it in good conscious anymore. This is sickening to anyone. I can feel the pathetic guilt from watching him so many endless days. The time has finally ended. Making a fool out of myself is what I seem to do best these days.

I step out of my car a wreck. I suspect I make quite an impression tonight. Why do I have to surrender to this power he has over me. I cannot fight the sensations that boggle my mental state and make my body quiver. I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but all I know is just one moment with him, not as friends, as lovers. Love returned and love given. That is what I want to have.

The walk up to my apartment seems slow and I seem to tread. My hand trembles as I put the key into the shabby 15B door. I shove all my weight in to pushing my door open and it pops. Rubbing my shoulder from the push I soon realize I have work to do. All this baggage I carry is holding me back from the only thing I seem to know best: work. With a great sigh looking at the clock it reads 9:46pm. Still enough time to start my term paper.

I find it hard, gazing at my MAC computer, to focus. Papers I write normally just come to me with no trouble at all. Today, of course, of all days must be one of the hardest ever. After getting about ¾ of the way done with the paper I yawn and stretch. I grow very tired in these later hours. Deciding to make life as lazy as possible, due to my terrible problem with procrastination, and sleep in my clothes on the couch by the alarm. I set it for 6:30am and lay awake for awhile. Through all the hectic things that occurred I seemed to find comfort in sleep. It is and always will be my way to have total relaxation.