At the beginning there was a guy. He was at the beginning of every story, every thought. He was everything and when you lose everything, what’s left?

I met him in high school. He was everything I always wanted. He was charming, attractive, smart, funny, the list goes on. He was also involved with my best friend (we’ll call her “Jill”). She was in love with him and he was, therefore, unavailable.

He flirted. He treated flirting like the international pastime of his life. Anything in a skirt got a wink and a wave, including me. I was an ugly duckling. I was the kind of girl boys were too scared of to notice. This boy ignored my defenses and waged war against my unsuspecting heart. I had no experience with boys, so I enjoyed his attentions. I was no match for such an experienced ladies man. I pushed myself towards him while fighting my inner feminist who was screaming, “This IS YOUR BEST FRIENDS GUY. BACK OFF!!”

One day, Jill approached me, complaining of her young stallion. She wanted to get rid of him by pushing him off on someone else. Namely, me. I was stunned. I wanted to hug her and agree to take him off her hands. Instead I told her to give him to someone else. I wanted to keep our friendship without complications. She insisted he liked me and that I was the girl he had been looking for. I continued to protest and she gave him my number.

Talking to him on the phone was an experience. It consisted of him requesting access to my body and me protesting his egotism. In other words, it was fun. To be chased is a feeling I hope everyone experiences because few things can compare. I was his prey but I did not recognize the hunt. He began to call me everyday attempting to sneak behind my barriers. Even though I was new at this game, I put up an impressive fight. It took months of begging before I would even let him near me. However, this story would be very boring if I had won the fight.

One day Jill invited me to meet her at his apartment. She had to work so I would be alone with him for about two hours. Even now the thought of this day makes my stomach do a little jump. We began with the usual game of cat and mouse. It lasted for awhile, but then he seemed to give up. I was hurt but pretended to be glad. Then he noticed the time. My friend would be here in fifteen minutes. At that point the chase became a literal chase. And in his closet, I succumbed. I reveled in this new experience.

When we heard Jill coming in, the feeling changed. We panicked, grabbed clothes, and went into the other room like nothing had happened. She knew. She looked at us and automatically knew what had happened. She was hurt. She pushed us together, knowing what would happen, but she did not expect the pain, or the jealousy. I left them alone so they could talk. I waited for awhile before realizing they weren’t coming back. She had changed her mind about giving him away and she was reclaiming her property. That night I was hurt in a way I still marvel at. How could he act like he liked me then crawl back to her? How could she hurt me like that when we are supposed to be friends? This was my first experience with these emotions, but it would not be my last.

Over the next week things didn’t change. We flirted when Jill wasn’t around. She was still my good friend, but now there was a new tension in our group. That week I had a choir performance. I invited him to come along with two of my other friends. We would all hang around my house until the concert and then go to our separate homes. That night I got into my oversized, ugly green dress just for him. I put on the required makeup thinking about if he would notice. I sang on stage as if he was the only person in the audience. That night was all for him.

After the concert we went to the baseball field. He was going to walk home but one of the girls was still waiting for her mom. We began to flirt very suggestively in front of our young friend. Exploring such physical acts with a boy in front of someone was exhilarating. When her mom came I wanted the night to keep going. I walked up to the park behind the school with him following. We went to the picnic tables and watched a little league game. We continued to avoid the reason we were both still there. After some slight suggestions from me, we took our physical flirtations one step further.

When we left the park that early morning, I walked home on a cloud. I had never felt anything equal to this. My mom yelled at me for coming home so late, and I smiled. I realized I may have killed my friendship with Jill, and I smiled. Nothing could take away this feeling.

When I finally told Jill, she was hurt. She refused to speak with me and I was devastated. When we did speak, I apologized and she forgave me, but the damage was done. We were now at war. We were in a battle for the same guy. It was experience against naivete. Her relationship with him became my biggest threat and somehow I knew I would always lose to her.

The rest of the school year we fought for his attentions. In the end, Jill was victorious. He chose her and their friendship over some silly girl with a crush on him.

The summer after our graduation things changed. Jill decided to pursue another boy, and we continued our friendship despite our shared love interest. My crush got my email address and we started talking even more. We talked every day, either on the phone or through the internet. We joked about what we would do when we saw each other again. I thought our friendship would end after graduation so I agreed to a small wager. If we saw each other again, I would have to perform... a sexual act (you know what I mean) for him. This was, of course, going to be my first time attempting such a thing.

After he coerced me into agreeing with his wager, I found a way to show up at his house. Jill was going to housesit for his family while they went out of town, so I agreed to go with her and meet his dad. I was scared of what I thought might happen, but I also assumed nothing could happen with Jill and his family in the house. I was very wrong.

That night, Jill and I agreed to spend the night at his house. I forced myself into his bed but was thwarted when Jill took him into the living room. I was angry and hurt again by their relationship. Little did I know that they were performing a happy dance over his latest conquest. I attempted to sleep, feeling rejected yet again. Then, he walked back into the room. A lot of “firsts” happened that night. For example, it was the first time I: realized I could be very loud if not contained. It was also the first time I was ever caught by someone’s dad doing something slightly naughty.

The rest of the week was torture. We still talked on the phone often, but the wait for him to come home was brutal. The night after he came home, we agreed to meet at a construction site. This was to become the location of many late night encounters between us. We began to explore each other that night and continued in this way for awhile.

A month or so later, I told my best friend (let’s call her Sam) that I was in love. She wanted to meet him after that, and I stupidly trusted her. We went over to his house and I began to doubt her intentions. She wore a tiny top (mine) without a bra and booty shorts. While we were there, she did everything in her power to win his attentions. She asked for foot rubs, and even hosed herself down. I was shocked at this betrayal (you would think by now I would expect it). We left that night and I was, again heartbroken.

Later that week, she wanted to visit him again. He came to the park near my house and we met him there. Sam flirted mercilessly with him in front of me. He attempted to keep his distance, but he didn’t really succeed. We were not exclusive so he would occasionally enjoy this new girl directly in front of me. If I had fought this, I would lose him forever. So instead, I walked away. After awhile of watching this, I left them alone to get my head straight. I also left them alone so they could be free to do what they wanted. I was too hurt and too trapped to do anything else. I found out later that while I was away, he would attempt to be physical with her, but she would turn to ice. Apparently, hurting me was the goal of this night. Later on, I scored a small victory by playing the same game I had learned from my friend in high school. Basically, I did something for him that she couldn’t. Right in front of her. However, this was a hollow victory.

Later on, I told him how much this whole scene had hurt me. He was my friend, but nothing more, so we ended our physical relationship. Sam had gone to college but the damage of her few nights with him had been done. He was gone. He was back with the one girl I knew I could never win against. He had returned to Jill. She was bored with her summer romance and decided to return to “old faithful.” I was hanging out with her and her summer fling every day, and this did not change once he came back into the picture. I watched their relationship begin again and I was destroyed.

Very soon, Jill became bored with her old flame also. She left their new physical relationship after only a few weeks. I continued to talk to him every day. We still flirted but I had now been hurt too much to read anything into it. I knew if anything began between us again, that I shouldn’t read anything into it. So, I asked him for sex. With all of our physical acts, we had still never had actual sex (oral doesn’t count). I wanted to lose my virginity to the same guy I had my first kiss with. I wanted almost all of my “firsts” to be with him. He agreed after I reassured him this was just sex and not a relationship. We set a date and time for the big night. It was at the construction site, and I was scared #less. That night, he was gentle (actually a little too gentle at first), sweet, and everything I could have asked for. It was one of the best nights we ever had together.

I told myself that this was a one time thing. I believed it, too. Then, I started to get invitations for late night rendevous. Every week, almost like clockwork, we would meet up. We didn’t always have sex, but there was always something physical. We talked throughout the night and we started to become closer. We became best friends. We started talking on the phone every day for hours. We had set times we called each other. He would even get mad if I didn’t call him at the right time. He loved the control he had over me. He would use this to his advantage and make me do ridiculous things for him. I was happy with him, usually. The control issues began to take over. He would get mad at me for the weirdest things, and when he got mad, he wouldn’t speak to me.

Six months later, I told him I hated my job. I wanted to quit but I also wanted to talk to my best friend about this. When I told him I wanted to quit without finding a new job first, he got angry. He told me that if I did this he would be very mad at me. I ended up quitting my job and he ended up not talking to me for over a month. I spent the month with Jill and our friends. I tried to let him go but I couldn’t. I tricked him into talking to me again, but by this time he had moved on to another girl. We were done in our “relationship” but we continued to be best friends.

We talked every day. We talked about everything. He told me about his new girls (yes plural girls) and I told him about my crushes. I had moved out of my dad’s house and was now living with Jill and one of our friends. He would occasionally come over and we would slip into old habits but it didn’t become consistent again. We were done. I started dating someone. He didn’t treat me very well but I thought I liked him and at least he was in a relationship with me. We were actually boyfriend and girlfriend, off and on. He ended up dumping me, three times.

One of the times we were on the outs, Jill and our roommate went to California. While they were gone my best friend came by. We ended up spending the whole week together. When the girls came back, they noticed a change. He would hold me in front of them. We didn’t act like we hated each other. We were affectionate in public, a first for us. I loved every minute of it, but I was scared it would end again. That’s why I did what I did. I returned to my ex. He asked me to be his girlfriend again and I said yes assuming my best friend was going to leave again anyway. I still don’t know what would have happened if I had said no to my ex. (By the way, my ex just got back together with me because he was going to housesit and wanted me to “come over.” He dumped me again after a week.)

After that, we never returned to our old habits again. He got married and I began a long term relationship with a great guy. We have stopped being best friends and our friendship has pretty much ended. However, I still think about him often (that’s why I am writing this, to purge myself) and I still wonder what if? I still want my soul back, my heart back. After all, when someone is everything, and you lose them, what is left?