Scientists at Princeton have finally proven the common myth that if you have an abnormally large hand and an abnormally small face, then you have an abnormally destructive illness. In a controlled test of twenty random individuals, each of which had a hand bigger than his or her face, it was announced that each had a cancerous tumor in either their palms, fingers, or wrists. All of which are direct links to cancer.

“It’s amazing! This discovery will surely impact the world as much as the discovery of penicillin!” said Dr. White about this new method of detecting cancer, “It’s as if the answer has been under our noses the whole time!” However, this new method of detecting cancer is still in the clinical trials stage. But, in two to three years of more analysis and study, scientists at Princeton are confident it will be the leading method of detecting and catching cancer.

“Women won’t have to go to a gynecologist anymore and have one of those excruciatingly painful Pap Smears. Soon, a woman will be able to pull up her pants and hold her hand up to her face, and the doctor will automatically know whether she has cancer,” says gynecologist Barbara Johnson.

This amazing, revolutionary discovery has changed many scientists’ views on science. “This discovery leads to endless possibilities. A penny dropped from a very tall building might actually kill someone! Chicken soup might actually cure the common cold! You never know. This experiment proved that nothing is what it seems,” says Alexander Einstein, great-grandson of the famous Albert Einstein.

On the other hand, this recent study has aroused more questions than answers. Robert Harris, a retired Harvard professor and Vietnam veteran, has questioned the new method’s ability to detect cancer in people without hands. And there is always the forever-floating question of: Why do ten-year-old children assault their peers’ faces after testing them for cancer? Scientists at Princeton have said they will need further study and analysis to understand the answers to these perplexing questions.

But for now, the scientists and students at Princeton are having a fun time making each other hold up their hands and smacking each other’s face.