He heard her stand up and pause briefly before walking back toward the house, most likely looking down on him for a moment. He heard her shoes squelching into the wet ground and the rain thudding off her umbrella fade as she moved away from him. Tallir opened his eyes a little and looked down mournfully at the soaking grass. His heart was pounding dangerously in his chest and his stomach was tying into sickening knots, so bad he felt he would heave. He looked suddenly over his shoulder as he heard her boots thump on the wood of the porch. Time slowed to a nauseating crawl as she approached his worried friends. Now they would find out what was wrong, now they would find out the terrible truth…
Detra stepped back as she began her tale, not wanting to hear it a second time. Funny that it was him who had known first, of all his ‘friends’ here Detra was the last person he would have bore his innermost to. Tallir glanced at the rips in Detra’s shirt; claw marks from when he had asked too many questions, gotten too close, from just before Tallir had confessed everything to him, right here, where he was still sprawled on the wet grass.
Tristen’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped, and he sank wordlessly into a chair. His face contorted into a searching expression, contemplating the news he’d just heard. Kaleaco just sort of glazed over, and a slow state of shock gripped him. Kristoph gaped and looked at Tallir, but in an instant looked away as he met his eyes. Blain put his fist to his lips and stood there trying to assimilate the new information. But the one reaction Tallir couldn’t bear to see was also the one he watched more closely: Palowin. Her brow furrowed and her beautiful eyes saddened. She lifted a graceful palm to her mouth and stood staring at Pada. It was too much for Tallir to watch.
He turned back as a violent sob overtook his body. He screwed his eyes shut and tears were squeezed free, falling to the ground and mingling with the rain. His claws dug easily into the sodden ground as he clenched his hands. Gasping and wheezeing he tried to stop crying, but it was no use. His world was falling apart around him all over again, because of his secret, because of his sister…
He opened his eyes and quiet tears continued to fall. No, he couldn’t blame her. He couldn’t even blame his father -their father, he cringed- for not telling them. He looked up to the sky and felt the rain pelt his face mercilessly. Why? Why hadn’t he kept running? As soon as he’d started to build a new life for himself his terrible secret had shown up and ripped it to pieces, just like the last time. Why hadn’t she just left him alone!
He cried out and his head fell again, fresh tears forced from his eyes as he closed them. He could run again, he supposed; he could run so far away Pada would never find him. He could keep moving and live free, he knew how to take care of himself, he could live like a lone wolf -a Rielka. That was the wolf term, wasn’t it? Living like a Rathe certainly hadn’t worked out for him. Wolves bred within family groups, perhaps if his secret got out again it wouldn’t have such an impact. A dry and hollow chuckle hissed from his lungs. No, even wolves have more dignity…
Even as he was thinking it all through he knew he was lying. The truth was he didn’t want to run anymore. This secret had been crushing him inside for over four years, and he was tired of running. He was so very tired… And he couldn’t stand to run out on a woman he loved again. He wanted so badly to turn around and look at Palowin again, he loved her so much, but he dared not meet her sapphire gaze. Perhaps the crest-fallen look she’d worn just then, immortalised in his mind, was the last time he’d see her.
She’d go home, back to the Realm, cry to her mother, and get on with her life. He hoped she’d be happy. Tristen would come out sometime soon and ask him to leave, or would just leave him out there, hoping he’d run into the woods and disappear like a bad dream, and Ravendale would continue on as normal. But, where was he to go? He didn’t want to run. His eyes opened wide; he didn’t want to live.
The shock hit his stomach at bone-crunching speed and he tried not to gag on it. But then, the realisation dropped a strange veil of clam over him, after the initial jolt. His found himself staring out at the rushing river Raven, its once serene flowing waters becoming a gushing torrent. The rain was coming down hard, the banks might breach if it continued. He cocked his head at its churning white waters, and fondly imagined easy it would be to throw himself in.
The chill of the rain was seeping deep into his skin, and the force with which it hit him had made him somewhat numb, the water wouldn’t bee too much of a shock to his system, not that it would matter.
Rathes weren’t great swimmers, as they hardly ever came across large bodies of water, drowning should prove simple, like, falling off a log? A human expression, he snorted.
All he would have to do was jump in and breath out, his body would try to breath in again and icy water would steal into his lungs, they would prove useless and his body would shut down soon after. He'd heard somewhere that, after the initial panic, drowning wasn't so bad- quite euphoric really- and then he'd be carried away in the crushing currents. He still shuddered at the thought, suicide was for cowards, but still it circled in his mind, preventing him from thinking about anything else for too long. The thought passed through his mind that he could just start running down stream and think later, but even this preferable plan was pushed out by the nagging sound of the roaring river.
He was interrupted by a pair of shoes approaching, and the pelting of rain off an umbrella. Great, probably Pada here to say goodbye. She had appeared without warning and wrecked everything, but at least she was going to say a short farewell before she left him with the pieces of his life. Thanks so very much, he thought with cruel sarcasm. He felt though, that he owed her a goodbye, as she might well be the last person he’d see. He liked that; strangely appropriate, he felt, as she’d driven him to it.
The pair of shoes stopped beside him, and she looked down on him. She said nothing. He felt annoyed despite himself, and looked up at her.
His heart froze, and an icy chill ran through him as he looked up into two gleaming sapphire eyes.
Palowin looked down at his with a sadness that shattered his heart, and silent tears began to streak his face once more. He gaped up at her for what felt like an eternity, looking deep into those sad and beautiful eyes, glistening with tears. She must have borrowed Pada’s umbrella; Pada was probably already gone. His mouth closed and quivered. She looked so… disappointed. This was too much to take, he decided, and looked away towards the river again.
As his mind tried to leap toward the water and his limbs would not comply, she knelt down beside him. He still couldn’t look at her, and a desperate sob escaped him as he willed his fear-frozen body into the river. He soon discovered it was futile, as his claws dug deeper into the banks of their own accord. He gave up. His body shook from the effort of keeping him alive as his muscles relaxed, and his brain was still trying to process the fact that he had tried to end his life. Worst of all, he felt a deep hollow sensation in his chest, as though his heart had been ripped from his him and crushed into dust.
He hung his head again and cried, wishing to Ráthem and Deza and any Gods who would hear him that Palowin would just leave so he didn’t have to break down like this in front of her. She just sat there and watched him, probably disgusted and heart-broken. If this despair of his got much worse he really would be able to just fling himself into the rivers waiting jaws, but he didn’t want to die in front of her.
He gleaned the courage to turn his head just enough to meet see her face through a gap in his long sopping hair. After a moment of staring at each other she outstretched a tentative hand and brushed his hair back from his face. He winced at her warm touch, it was like fire against his cold skin, and he closed his eyes. Next her gentle hand caressed his cheek lovingly, and despite the heat he sighed with deep longing and felt a weight lift from his heart. Remarkable she could do that still, even when he was at death’s door.
His eyes opened slowly to see her expression had changed. She looked confused, a mix of affection and apprehension, but she smiled faintly at him as his eyes met hers with all the love in his broken heart. He thought he felt more tears rolling down his face, but they were soon lost in the rain, and his freezing skin had very little feeling left. She shook her head at him, and her face contorted with imminent tears of her own. She, with her innate tenderness, put her around him and encouraged him towards her. His muscles gave in to her tender tugs, and he shakily lay down in the grass, his aching shoulders resting against her thigh and his suddenly heavy-feeling head in her lap. His exhausted body went limp at her touch, and she curved her delicate body around his to hold him close, the umbrella in the crook of her arm to keep the rain off them. He worried briefly that he was getting her all wet, but this only made him smile: He knew with that silly little thought came the hope that things really could go back to normal. He managed to put an arm around her in return and felt her body heat thaw his cold skin. His thoughts of the deep river became a dim and distant nightmare.
“…I love you,” she whispered to him.