Forgive me,

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I can’t seem to sleep or breathe at the moment. I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I now that I’m looking at you, and for the first time…I’m actually seeing you. I know it sounds strange, but I don’t know how else to explain things. Do you know, that in the three years we’ve been together, I have never noticed the beauty mark that sits just under your right earlobe? Ha! You’re probably walking to a mirror right now to see if it’s really there. I can see you cocking your head to the side at some painful angle that no normal person would even try to attempt; I’m laughing at the picture in my head.

By now you’ve noticed – hopefully – that I’m not there. Go ahead, call my name and search the bathrooms, I’m not going to answer. My things are all gone too, even that strawberry scented soap that you always begged me to buy. I took everything that would remind you of me because I know you would break apart if I left anything behind. Not that you aren’t now, I know that the realization of my absence is starting to set in, but just wait…it’ll get worse. Don’t look under the kitchen sink, I took the emergency stash of cookies too. I told you, EVERYTHING is gone, the soap, the cookies, even the ring that you hid from me in your sock drawer.

Yes, I took the engagement ring. I wasn’t going to at first, but I had to. Not because it would remind you of me, but because the ring reminds me of you. I needed something to remind me that I am doing the right thing. I know, love. How can leaving you be the right thing? I know it doesn’t make sense now and it probably won’t for a long time, but you told me once that you would trust me no matter what. Trust me now. Have faith that this is what’s best for the both of us.

I won’t tell you that it’s me and not you, I’ve lied to you one too many times. So, the safest thing to say is that it’s both of us. You’re too good and perfect to be with someone like me and I’m too messed up to even deserve someone like you. We’re good as friends and on occasion we were good as lovers, but anything beyond that just doesn’t work. I know that you’re shaking your head right now, disagreeing completely, but please just hear me out.

First and foremost: I LOVE YOU. I swear that I do. I know that this is a sad way to prove it, but please trust me. I never meant to hurt you. Ever. Hurting you just came with our relationship. My words were like daggers laced with poison and they carved my lies into your skin over and over, deeper and deeper until there seemed to only be bone left to cut through. You were a fearless soldier in our wars, ready to risk everything and lay down your life to defend me even when I was wrong. I never understood how you could always be so quick to jump to my side when you never knew where the next land mine might be planted.

Remember that time in the kitchen when you asked me about Brian Mercer being over at the apartment? I told you he had never even been there even though his Beemer was parked in your spot and his shirt was hanging from the armrest of your favorite chair. I denied his very existence that day, but the fact is that he was hiding in your side of the closet. I’m sorry that I lied to you. Not just that lie, but all of them, even the one about wearing your favorite shirt to Mike’s place. I never meant to lie to you; it’s just something that I can’t help. Like an addiction or something, I read about it online once, after the Brian Mercer incident. Imagine that! I’m addicted to lying my ass off. I never thought I’d be one of those people.

The last and final thing that I have to say is don’t come looking for me. I know that you’ve probably already thrown on a t-shirt and slipped into your shoes, but stop. I have covered all the bases and you won’t be able to find me, you’ll just ending up spending all of the money you’ve saved over the years. Only one person knows where I’m going and she’ll be long gone by the time you read this. There are no ticket stubs lying around, I’ve written notes to all of the bus companies making sure they know that you might call them in search of me. Not all roads lead to me, most are in construction and have detour signs planted at random exits. If by some miracle you happen to find out where I am, turn around and go home.

I am not the person that you have been waiting for.

I’m barely anything at all. Compared to your godliness, I am a spec of sand in the Mohave Desert. I’m one in a sea of millions and no matter how far you’re willing to go to find me, I’m willing to go farther to keep from being found. I’ll come back one day, when I’m sure you’ve moved on and forgotten all about me. You’re probably swearing at me now, telling the empty room that you will never forget me for as long as you live, but you will. Even if it takes thirty years, you’ll forget my existence and all I’ll be is a figment that more closely resembles a dream rather than a memory.

I know you don’t agree and I’m truly sorry that you don’t, but this is how it has to be.

Sincerely,

The one you'll learn to forget.