Am I a Mary Sue?!

(A/N: I wrote this a while ago and nearly forgot all about it... but then I found it again this morning and decided to share. Forgive me. It's very silly. So what I said on my profile doesn't apply here. I'm not dealing with writer's block right now... I was dealing with writer's block back when I wrote it. This essay is a brief exploration and defense of ‘The Mary Sue Epidemic’. Alright, this started out as just a list of all the Mary Sue aspects of my personality, but now it's just a big old mess. And some of it's downright lies. All for the sake of funzies. Enjoy, and don't take it too seriously... in fact, if there is a point to be made—that's it. Stop taking things so seriously. Lighten up folks. Please.)

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was lying awake and thinking about myself. I do that a lot, but it’s funny that I had this personal epiphany SO LATE in life. So, I’m lying there, and suddenly it hit me. The light-bulb went off in my head and then it exploded and shocked me. I sat up straight in bed and cried to the heavens; “Holy hell! I’M A MARY-SUE!”

Yes.

I would lament, but it’s hard to, because honestly—it’s pretty great being me. I’ll present you with the evidence to support my epiphany in a moment. First, I wanted to discuss the history of Ms. Mary Sue a little.

The name actually came from a story published in the 1970’s “A Trekkie’s Tale” by Paula Smith. The story poked fun at the unrealistic self-indulgence fan stories that were ALREADY a scourge for fan-fiction writers of the 70’s. Mary Sue was a fifteen year old lieutenant in the Star Trek world. Ha. The term for a long time applied to fan-fiction respectively, but more recently its meaning has been expanded to encompass original fiction as well.

Mary Sue is any character that is overly-idealized and/or an obvious case of author-self-insertion into the world of fiction. One vaguely annoying thing that has happened during this decade is that the term is now tossed around so often that it’s hard to determine who actually is Mary Sue and who is just pretty and great. You have to be careful, if you use the term too liberally, it will loose all meaning. Alright, fine—the term is losing all meaning.

For instance, you cannot simply write off a character in a story as a Mary Sue simply because she is physically attractive/desirable to other characters. That does not constitute a Mary Sue. That constitutes a pretty person. Don’t hate on pretty people.

However, attractiveness is a ‘must-have’ trait of any Mary Sue.

Guess who’s gorgeous?!

I AM!

Yep, that’s right. I’m really, REALLY pretty. No lies. I’m 5’8”, athletic and olive-toned. My measurements are 36, 24, 36 (Yeah, I thought that was a little much, but it’s true, I just measured again last night). I have long dark hair that is literally perfect. It never looks bad, and it is very thick. I kill people when I head-bang. I’m a woman of coiled muscle and curves in all the right places, and damn it I haven’t even gotten started on my face yet. It’s a lovely face. Really intense dark eyes and HUGE lips. I’m talking Angelina-Jolie-wanna-lick-her-lips-and-stick-her-to-a-window Lips. And yes, they are naturally that full and pouty.

So, are we agreed I’m a bomb-shell? Excellent. Moving on.

Mary Sue isn’t just hot. She can kick your ass. Put a weapon in her hand and watch her save the world.

…I’m a Kung Fu instructor. I don’t just kick butt. I teach people how to kick butt. And I am good. I have a high pain threshold and when you get a little bit of adrenaline in my system it doesn’t matter how many times I get smacked, I’ll keep hitting you back twice as hard until my brain-steam finally snaps.

(WARNING THIS IS A RANT THAT ISN'T ENTIRELY RELAVENT:Some people think that the hip-length hair would make this difficult, but I'm here to inform you that people who say stuff like that are people who don't know a damn thing about fighting. Having loads of hair can be something of an advantage if you know how to use it. Also—it's easy to just tie it back when you need your face. What's REALLY annoying is short hair when you are fighting someone. No matter what you do you can't keep it away from your face and neck. It drove me CRAZY when I had short hair. As a warrior your options are this A.) have long hair and tie it back when you need to or B.) shave your head. I'll take A, thanks. Of course, you do get your hair pulled, but if it's long enough than you should be able to use that attack to your advantage, turn around and punch him in the face while his hands are occupied with your hair. Or—secure his fist to the top of you head with your own hands and head butt him. That's my favorite. END OF RANT WITHIN RANT.)

And I’m not just proficiant in hand-to-hand, I have taken it upon myself to learn some traditional Hung Gar weaponry. It’s not real useful in the modern day times to be able to handle a Chinese Broadsword, a Straight Blade, Butterfly Swords or a Chain Whip, but it does rock royally. Oh, I’m an excellent Archer too.

I’m supposed to take horse back riding lessons with my friend next month and I’m positive I’ll be great at it. Why? Because I’m Mary Sue, I’m great at everything! Everything I’ve ever tried has come naturally to me.

Alright, so Mary Sue can’t just be brawn though… She’s got to be a genius. I have a lovely IQ score 140-150, something in there. Not as impressive as some Mary Sues, but it did help me to graduate from High School when I was sixteen and then immediately move on to College. There is very little in the academic world that doesn’t come pretty easily to me. I’m especially excellent at the literary arts and philosophy.

See, this is where you loose most people… I mean come ON! Being beautiful and brawny is realistic, and you can even get away with being beautiful and smart, or smart and brawny—but being beautiful AND smart AND brawny!? Hell no. Not realistic. This is usually the part in the story when everyone sighs and says “Oh no, it’s Mary again…”

Still, sometimes, it gets even more over the top. Sometimes Mary Sue is creative as well.

Duh. I’ve written four books. And I paint. And I write music and play three instruments. Whoopeeeeeeee…

As if that’s not enough, Animals LOVE me. So do men. Some psychologist say there is a connection there. I already said I’m a quick learner and excel at all my endeavors… This last semester in one of my writing classes, the head of the English department issued a challenge. For our final we were all to write a ten minute play. He hired actors and rented out one of the stages on campus and then he and the actors would pick the best one plays and hold a performance. We weren’t allowed to know which plays he picked but of course mine was chosen, I’m Mary Sue! I’m sweet and playful and fun and smart and just a sickeningly great person with a number of skills that come in handy for saving the world; I can knit and bake and fence and do Capoeira in six inch heels.

Now, I don't have magical powers. (No, really?!) Yep. I don't. However, I do read Tarot Cards and Palms. Sorry—that's as close as I can get without becoming a Ghost Hunter or a Medium.

One last point… Mary Sue is very rarely called Mary Sue, unless the writer is attempting to write a spoof. Usually she is called… Jesse BlueMuffin Catbird, or Sparky-Fae Angelica Gem, Rose Redgrave, Moonchild Brighteyes Starshine Etc.

…Hi. My name’s Lillywhite.

Shut the hell up, my parents are hippies.

So. I’m an overly idealized person. If I was a character in a book the readers would hate me. As it is most people in real life do hate me, because Mary Sue is ANNOYING as all hell. Every once in a while people just walk up and smack me really hard, but I never complain because I know they're just aggressive because I make them want to slit their wrists. Nobody likes a perfect person. We're the exception that defines the center of the graph, everyone else falls somewhere on those little balck lines. Sorry.

At least this means that I’ve never felt compelled to live out my fantasies in my writing. I’m already living out my fantasies in the real world. Crazy, right? I’m actually content.

Now, I could get into the part were I talk about all the trouble I’ve had and the trials I’ve dealt with—but I’m pretty sure no one cares at this point, because clearly, I just CAN’T legitimately complain about anything. Right?! My life is obviously perfect.

I addressed the overly-idealized stuff, however, I did not talk at all about author-self-insertion… So—if real life is my book then I guess the author is God… let’s just all admit this together; Obviously, God wants to be just like me.