Chapter 13

Most movie scene worthy event goes to Kevin Sommers and William Evans! Come on down!

My romance movie expertise encourages me to lean in. Kiss time now. I make my move, leaning in to just nearly brush our lips against each other’s. My movie turns into a tragedy as Will staggers backwards, nearly falling back in his chair. “Whoa.” I grab his hand to keep the boy from cracking his head open on the ground. “Wh-what are you doing?”

Fire the script writers – I do not like this plot twist! “Sorry,” I mutter. My expertise, it has failed me. Not to mention, they can fit like five months in a two hour on-screen showing. Oh, maybe there’s my flaw. I moved too quickly? Shit! American movies suck!

“You…were going to kiss me?” And-d-d there’s that frightened, wide-eyed paranoia. I knew he had it in him.

“No, I wasn’t.” I smile my best I’m just an innocent, little, non-scheming, French boy smile. “I was simply trying to save you from walking around the mall with whipped cream on your face, but I mean, if you want it back…” I dip my finger back in the whipped cream, “you can have it.” I hold my hand out for him to decide.

Will shakes his head slowly. “I think maybe I should go home.” He stands with some difficulty, looking a little light headed.

“No, what? Why?” My movie has officially turned into a horror flick. When does the porno come in?

“This got…you…I gotta go.” Will pulls his cell phone out of his back pocket and rushes out of the small shop.

Well shit, you fucked up. Shut up. “Will, wait!” I stumble out of my chair, much to the amusement of the ice cream troll and run out into the mall. No Asian boy in sight. I twirl around a few times, not unlike a ballerina in a pretty pink tutu, before flopping down on a bench in defeat. He’s gone, you messed up, ha-ha! Suffer now.

I pull my own cell out of my pocket and scroll through the contacts list.

“Hello?”

“Hey, pop. Can you come pick me up?”

“You’ve only been out for an hour,” dad says, sounding bored.

“I know, but I need you to pick me up. I don’t want to walk home alone.”

“You’ve only been out for an hour,” he repeats. “What did you do?”

“What makes you think I did something?” Of course, blame me. It’s always my fault. “My gaydar failed, okay? Come pick me up.” That was a painful confession.

There’s a gasp and a loud noise on the other end of the phone, making me have to hold the device a few inches away from my ear.

“Dad?”

“Dropped the phone. Did you say your gaydar failed?”

God, he makes it sound like the world just got sucked into a black hole. “Yes.” And then he breaks into incessant laughter. I don’t like this. “Will you just…ugh! Stop laughing. It’s not funny. I hate you. I hate you so much right now, you don’t even know. If you don’t stop laughing, I’m going to kill you...dad!” I’m going to kill him so bad. “Come pick me up right now and I’ll spare you an untimely downfall.”

“I’m watching Wheel of Fortune! Walk home!”

“But da-” Click, dial tone. I am sad.

“Bitch! Motherfucking cunt face asshole pile of shit! I’ll kill you dead!” A few teenage girls turn to look at my rage. “What?” They scurry away. God, drama, drama, drama. I press the redial on my phone.

“Hello?”

“Do you like scary movies?” I say in my best scary voice.

“I have caller ID, Kevin. What do you want?”

“I want you to come pick me up!” I whine. “Come on, dad. I’m gonna start crying. Do you want me to cry? I’ll cry. And then you’ll have a crying kid in the middle of the mall and people will stare and I’ll tell everyone that I’m your kid and that you beat me.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

Silence. A silence filled with indecision. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” He hangs up the phone.

Heh. Heh heh. Damn, I’m good. Except I already messed things up with Will. I’m bad. Very bad. I lift myself off the bench and trudge towards the front of the mall. How the hell am I going to patch things up? If he’s all straight and unbendable, how do I seduce that?

He’s got to be closeted. He just has to be. Before my mom died, she told me, “All guys are secretly gay. They just haven’t realized it until they’ve met my son.” I think maybe she just said that to make me feel better, but it’s probably the truth. I mean, who could resist this? Not you, obviously.

Dad’s car comes swerving into the mall parking lot on the tenth minute as if timed to perfection. I swear he thinks he’s a secret agent on a mission, like there’s a bomb implanted in the core of the earth that he must deactivate by picking up his child from the mall.

“Get in,” he yells, throwing the passenger door open.

“In a hurry?”

“Wheel of fortune is almost over!” Pop sounds on the verge of tears. “And now I won’t see who won.”

“Aren’t those all reruns anyways? That guys old, like…your age.”

Dad grips the steering wheel tighter. “Yeah, but I forgot how this one ended.”

“You’re silly.”

I walk up the stairs to my room, kicking the door shut behind me, arms full of unhealthy, fattening snacks to drown my sorrow. Slash cut wrist, you’re so emo. I look out the window, across the turkey infested cornfield. Will’s somewhere on the other side, currently being all…straight and probably huddling in a dark corner in the fetal position, which I know sounds sexy but really isn’t.

I let the chips and popcorn and candy and soda fall on my bed as my computer takes its agonizing century to start up. Might as well surf the web for some porn. You know, just to get my mind off things.

Welcome Kevin.

At least my computer still loves me.

The MSN window pops up. Ew, I forgot to take it off automatic login. Dumb head. MSN is dumb. My buddy list pops up and wouldn’t you know it? Friends (1/1). Love Muffin (Online)

Love Muffin says:

hey

Wait, what? I didn’t even…he IM’d me? What a weird child.

Kev est attirant says:

hey…

Love Muffin says:

can we talk?

Only women ask to “talk”. Oh sweet Jesus, he’s a tranny! He’s just foreign. Give the boy a break.

Kev est attirant says:

i’m really sorry about earlier :( i didn’t mean to make it awkward and i guess i did make it awkward and i’m sorry

Love Muffin says:

it was just suprising. i didn’t know how to react.

Kev est attirant says:

so so so very sorry.

I learned from experience that if you apologize enough, people eventually forgive you. Or get annoyed and walk away. Cross your fingers for the first one.

Kev est attirant says:

like you don’t even know how sorry i am. misread the signs i guess

Love Muffin says:

what signs?

Kev est attirant says:

you know, like…the piggyback ride and the...the "wouldnt you rather listen to me?" and you kept doing this thing with your tongue which i guess technically might just be a habit but it was vaguely suggestive

Love Muffin says:

oh…

Love Muffin says:

look, you're really cool and i want to be your friend and all of that but…i’m not gay.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call denial.

Kev est attirant says:

well…how do you know?

Love Muffin says:

how do i know what?

Kev est attirant says:

i mean, the gay tendencies- they're there! its a possibility. how do you know if you've never been with a guy?

Moment of truth.

Love Muffin says:

i don't like men. that's how i know

I guess that’s a good reason. Ooh, idea! Reverse psychology. It works on me.

Kev est attirant says:

ah. okay then.

Love Muffin says:

okay?

Kev est attirant says:

yupp

Love Muffin says:

…you’re giving up that easily?

Kev est attirant says:

if you say you don’t like guys, i can respect that.

Love Muffin says:

you can?

Kev est attirant says:

yea. and we can just do stuff as friends. :)

Love Muffin says:

are you being serious or is this some kind of trick?

Kev est attirant says:

yes, im tricking you with my awesome reverse psychology skills. because i know you secretly want me so the fact that i'm pretending not to want you is going to make you fall into my arms. :)

Er, did I really just type that? Stupid fingers. My cover, it has been blown! “Ha-ha, blown.” Maybe he’ll just take it as sarcasm.

Love Muffin says:

…okay well, i’m not gonna fall for it

He’s too smart for me.

Kev est attirant says:

so are you saying you do secretly want me?

Love Muffin says:

when did i say that?

Kev est attirant says:

you didn’t deny it.

Love Muffin says:

-sigh- you’re right. i do secretly want you but i just didn’t want to tell you so soon

Kev est attirant says:

o_O

Love Muffin says:

i was pretending to be straight because of my parents and they can’t find out, you know? they’d kill me. i didn’t think you would figure it out.

Kev est attirant says:

wait…i’m right?

I’m right? The world has stopped spinning.

Love Muffin says:

yeah :( i didn’t mean for you to find out this way

Kev est attirant says:

you..er..so wait..no..wait. you’re flaming? seriously? you’re not toying with me?

Love Muffin says:

why would i lie about this?

Kev est attirant says:

…um, you get some sort of sick satisfaction out of watching me squirm?

Love Muffin says:

that would make me a bad person. do you think i am?

Kev est attirant says:

kind of…

Ooh, that was a little too blunt.

Love Muffin says:

well that’s not a very nice thing to say to the boy who just told you he wants you

Kev est attirant says:

you…do?

Love Muffin says:

…no

Love Muffin says:

god, you’re way too easy

Skank! Quit playing games with my heart! I’ll go boyband on you!

Kev est attirant says:

that was mean.

Love Muffin says:

i can’t believe you fell for that. xD who just comes out and says it like that?

Kev est attirant says:

i don’t know. :( jerk face.

Love Muffin says:

aww. sorry. but its just too fun.

Kev est attirant says:

but i thought…and you were all…yea. not nice.

Love Muffin says:

i’m sorry

Kev est attirant says:

so i really don’t have a chance?

Love Muffin says:

nooo but…i can make it up to you? we can go do something on friday?

Kev est attirant says:

i don’t know if i want to.

Love Muffin says:

aww i didn't mean to upset you so much, it was just a joke. i promise it'll be fun if we go do something

Kev est attirant says:

:/ what do you want to do?

Love Muffin says:

we could go to that amusement park in town if you want

Kev est attirant says:

adventureland?

Love Muffin says:

…it sounds really gay when you say it like that

Kev est attirant says:

no, i think that’s the name of it.

Kev est attirant says:

and screw you!

Love Muffin says:

really?

…i thought we had already gone over this

Kev est attirant says:

yea, i saw the sign on the way here

Kev est attirant says:

and omg, you’re so mean. maybe i don’t want to screw you. maybe i like you for your personality.

That’s a good one.

Love Muffin says:

if you say so. friday then?

Kev est attirant says:

sure

Love Muffin says:

okay, well..my mom is gonna kick my ass if i don’t go do the dishes. baibai

Love muffin appears to be offline.

I spin around a few times in my chair, attempting, but failing, to grab a bag of Cheetos. Amusement parks are fun.