Insisting
May.12.08

The world filters into me through hate hazed eyes,
eating me up and it’s all my own fault, that is.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all ugliness and disaster.
I’m not all anger or all love or all passion, I’m just-
I’m just having a rough time trying to love today when
today is so very bent on harming me.
I smile and dance and play along, trying hard-
I do everything I’ve been told I should and yet, quite yet
for this day it isn’t enough, it can’t be.
Don’t get it wrong, I still want to listen to this pretty tune,
but I cannot listen loud but is it any wonder, any
wonder at all? Am I? Was I? Should I? Could I?
Would I? I can’t understand what I’m saying-
feeling thinking and
I size it down so no one else can. It looks
so much nicer that way, after all. And
secrets swarm throughout my insides and snicker-
so unknown-so unwelcome.
A million Truths I will never tell never murmur.
I stress it to its deepest extreme and farther.
I’m pushing this fragile balance to its limits and wishing,
twisting, insisting that it be itself.