Defy Not The Heart

© My Anh Nguyen March 2008

--

The house grew silence once the siren of the ambulance faded away. It was spring in the sky of Sydney, but where Jessica Hsuan was—she felt wintry. In fact, she sat on the sofa as a statue frozen in time. Twenty-four hours ago she was even opening champagne bottles for a celebration with her friends. And now… In the solitude of this confine space she was faced with a fact that haunts her from an early age.

Any thoughts and ideas of Isabelle, her older sister, departure in any sort of way tore her apart.

“Isabelle is gone.” That wasn’t her voice, Jessica realized.

Glancing up at the figure that stood in front of the closed door, she tried furiously not to cry for she knows his pain was no less than hers. The death of a sister and of a wife, you can never weigh which cuts deeper.

“Yes, Louis. She left us.”

Eyes blazing with endless sorrow and what now seemed to emerge anger. Louis Koo clenched his fist tightly. “No. She left me, not you.”

Quizzical, Jessica allowed her eyes to linger on him longer.

“The person that she wanted to see through all these months was just you. Never me when I’m her husband.” His voice held an ocean of depthless emotions that no one could fathom beside himself.

She searched for a plausible reason for her sister’s indifferent action and said, “No. She loves you a lot. She’s just so heart broken over the lost of all these miscarriages she couldn’t stand to face you.”

“Have I ever looked at her with despise for not being able to carry a child for me? I even told her to stop trying.” He took in a deep breath and added, “Isabelle only wanted to repay me for all these years. For everything I’ve done for the both of you. She thinks a baby would suffice.”

Fury rose within Jessica. “You can’t speak about her this way. Isabelle is not like that. I’m certain she loves you more than what she could say.”

Louis laughed mockingly. Perhaps he had gone insane from intense sorrow.

“Do you know why she chose me out of all of the other men? It’s not because I touched her heart like you think. From beginning to end, it was you who put us together.”

Hearing this statement from Louis, it had increased Jessica’s confusion. She didn’t know what he meant and rather not hear of it, when the grieving of her sister was already too harsh.

“If it wasn’t for sweet ten years old Jessica, who adored me like an older brother. Isabelle would rather stay single and alone to take care of you than be with any man. She was happy that you took me in as a family member like no other, and how I would take care of you as if you’re my own sister. Everything was convenient just for you. Did you know that?”

Jessica’s eyes stung, unshed tears were ready to flow but she held back.

“In the end, she didn’t love me as a wife should love a husband. Right until she died… She would rather you to be with her then even lay an eye on me.”

“That’s not true. You are mistaken Louis.”

He shook his head and moved closer to where Jessica was. “She was so protective of you, as if you were her daughter. If anyone was to hurt you, she said she would do everything that she can to hurt them back. Inside, Isabelle was a ferocious tiger protecting her cub.”

Yes, she knew her sister’s love was strong because they only had one another since the day Jessica was born. Isabelle was a mother, a father and a sister to her. They were inseparable even after she married Louis, Isabelle insisted Jessica to live with them.

After her third miscarriage, Isabelle turned senile and wouldn’t listen to anyone beside Jessica. For the first couple of months the lost of her three still-born babies killed her soul and she drifted into nothingness. Only recognizing Jessica and wanting to always be with her. The fear of losing her baby sister was another nightmare for Isabelle. Seven months flew by and Jessica could see the drain in Louis’ features. Every time she tried to talk Isabelle into seeing him, she would end up in hysterical screams.

Without anyone knowing, Louis gave up. The love he harbored for his wife withered and he himself believed a part of him had gone haywire with her. At times he wanted to hurt himself for not being strong enough to change anything, but has anyone defy the inevitable?

After one month of being hospitalized at home, Isabelle took her own life by getting out of the nurse’s grip and ran out of the house laughing. Soon they found her body in a bush near by as she slit her wrists.

Who was to blame for such tragedy?

--

First impressions count for Jessica, because the first time she met Louis Koo at the age of ten she knew she wanted him in her life forever. He came over on Christmas Eve to surprise Isabelle but he came upon a young girl looking up at him with directness. Smiling broadly, he knelt down to her height and introduced himself. “You must be Jessica; Isabelle told me so much about you. I’m Louis Koo. Nice to meet you.”

Jessica observed him closely and held out her hand for a shake. He took her tiny hand into his and grinned wishing he had a younger sister this adorable. By the time Isabelle came home at ten o’clock, Louis and Jessica had made themselves comfortable with one another. From that moment on Isabelle, Jessica and Louis were always together.

It’s ironic how everything turned out, what seems to be the best memory now drifted to a woeful reminder. What Louis said that night five years ago when her sister passed away was accurate. Jessica didn’t know how or when but slowly she came to remember insignificant details from the past that reflected on the realization Louis dawned on her that unforgettable night.

One event that she can remember clearly was a few months before Isabelle and Louis’ wedding. Unexpectedly, one night Isabelle asked Jessica a few odd questions.

“Jess. Do you think Louis would be a great husband?”

Jessica gleamed knowing very well where this was going. “Of course. If I was eight years older, I would snatch him for myself.”

“So you like him very much and want him to be a brother?” Isabelle questioned with a serious tone.

“Well it depends on you; if you love him then you should marry him. I would love for Louis to be my brother but as we are right now is fine too.”

Isabelle nodded understandingly. “If anything was ever to happen to me, who would you want to take care of you?”

“Obviously Louis. He bought my first pad for me!” Jessica laughed.

“Yes. I’m so sorry for always being busy to take better care of you sweetheart,” Isabelle said softly taking Jessica’s hand in hers.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fifteen now and could look after myself.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll have Louis with us for as long as you want okay?” She hugged her younger sister tightly and kissed the top of her head.

“Sure!”

After that conversation, it was announced that they were going to get married. Jessica of course was full of joy but she knows deep beneath her endless happiness for the two precious people in her heart, there was a tinge of pain.

She had always loved Louis.

The moment Jessica stepped down the aisle behind her sister, everyone’s head turned toward the glowing bride. Yet, Jessica’s eyes remained on Louis. His eyes sung songs of love and danced to its heart-felt melody. At fifteen years of age, Jessica’s first love was her older brother in law but she was happy with it because it means in some way she holds some importance to him.

Now five years after Isabelle’s death, Jessica still grief for her sister and hated herself for being selfish. Wanting Louis with her and as a result indirectly making her sister marry him for all the wrong reason. She was the culprit of her sister’s death.

--

Britain’s weather proved to be most odd in the last year that Jessica wasn’t sure should she wear a jumper or not inside her apartment. Fixing herself a cup of hot green tea, she turned on her computer waiting for it to load. Taking a sip of the tea she signed into her MSN Messenger and right on top of her contacts list under a group named: Memories. There was only one contact in that group, and he or she was online. Jessica double clicked on the person and started typing.

If there is one out of us that is banished to eternity in Hell, let that person be me says:
Hey Louis. How’s the weather in Sydney?

A thousand things we could have done differently but all we’re left with is what we did says:
It’s a bit chilly and it’s only April. How’s work?

This was the beginning of all of their conversations via the internet. The weather and work, it was enough for her to get through the years. She had accepted a career offer situated in central London and cannot refuse because she needed to get away from the mess, which she used to call home. Two months after the burial of Isabelle, she packed her bag and left everything precious to her.

If there is one out of us that is banished to eternity in Hell, let that person be me says:
Work is great. I have a feeling I’m going to get a promotion. Have you been getting plenty of sleep?

A thousand things we could have done differently but all we’re left with is what we did says:
Yes. Since the last project of those town houses, I caught up some real rest. Is your boyfriend treating you well?

If there is one out of us that is banished to eternity in Hell, let that person be me says:
We’re going fine. Watch out for the postman okay. I sent you something for your birthday.

A thousand things we could have done differently but all we’re left with is what we did says:
Thanks. I could never find anything for you. Don’t tell me you still want me to draw pictures for you?

If there is one out of us that is banished to eternity in Hell, let that person be me says:
Hahaha yes! What’s wrong with that? As long as I love them then it’s fine. You should be happy that it’s such an easy task for you.

A thousand things we could have done differently but all we’re left with is what we did says:
Of course, of course. What are you doing this Christmas?

If there is one out of us that is banished to eternity in Hell, let that person be me says:
Louis, it’s only April and you’re asking about Christmas? I don’t think that far ahead.

A thousand things we could have done differently but all we’re left with is what we did says:
Hahaha sorry I forgot. Well I must go now and feed the fish then call it a night. You take care.

If there is one out of us that is banished to eternity in Hell, let that person be me says:
Good night and sweet dreams Louis.

Louis was a coward. He wanted to ask her when was she going to come back, or if she’s ever going to come back at all. Christmas was her favourite festive occasion and five years she hasn’t return. But why should she? He said some awful things back then and caused her to leave. Now she’s all alone out there without a family member to come home to. If only he had the courage to tell her that he would always be her family as long as she wanted him to.

All the gifts she sent him throughout these years. It was as though she wanted him to never be freed from the past, a monument for the grave mistake he had made—a carving on his heart and soul. Hurting the beloved sister of Isabelle, and completely destroyed his younger sister’s heart. God, he was a sinner.

--

Time continued to move on no matter how many people are wasted away internally. It never stopped for anyone to sit down and contemplate, then move forward when that person has figured everything out. Constantly, momentously trailing away without a trace…

Yet again, November arrived with the pure azure sky hovering over Sydney’s Darling Harbour. Louis arrived home after an early meeting for his next client’s project to welcome the solitary interior of his home. Abruptly, his home phone began to ring and quickly hopping out of his shoes he ran toward it.

“Hello. Louis speaking.”

The caller remained quiet for a few seconds but soon answered, “Louis? It’s Jessica. I’m at Sydney airport. After I settled into a hotel I’ll come see you.”

Rendered speechless, Louis mind went blank for a while. “No. Stay there. I’ll come pick you up. Just stay there okay, don’t go anywhere.” With haste he said it all too quickly.

Jessica said, “Louis you need to know which terminal I’ll be coming out.”

“Oh yes, yes.”

He was half listening whilst getting dress to go meet the family member he thought he had lost.

--

To Jessica’s surprise, Louis hadn’t changed. Still with his half combed hair and casual style, and the way he scratches the spot behind his ear from time to time. Everything seemed to freeze in time once she walked into their old home. Furniture and objects remained where she remembered them to be. However, the distinct smell of medicine and the hospital was gone. Jessica inhaled and could only make out Louis’ scent.

“Why didn’t you tell me before that you’ll be coming?” Louis questioned.

Jessica looked over to him replying, “Just wanted to make it a surprise. Did I manage to surprise you?”

An unknowing smile spread across Louis’ lips. “No, not surprise. Pure shock, but a good shock.” He paused and continued, “I’m glad you’re back.”

She was happy to hear that, even if he might not mean it. This was where it all began and she must from this point move on to accept another future.

“Stay here.” Louis unexpectedly stated. “Your room is still there.”

The twenty-two years old Jessica who left five years ago, stood before him looking different than he expected. Her long hair was cut shorter to the curve of her neck, and those eyes that were forever smiling at him with merriness were replaced with a mysterious shadow. She was a woman now. Louis tried not to be disappointed that Jessica wouldn’t run into his arms when she was twelve, or kiss him every night before she goes to sleep even when she’s eighteen. There was an invisible wall dividing them.

“I--” She started. “I will. Thank you.”

--

One week later, all that was done since Jessica arrived back in her hometown was stay in Louis’ house and well—basically cleaned. The house was in no whirlwind state but she had a perfectionist streak in her where she knows something could be done to make it better. Thus, she went around to every corner and crack of the house with a stern determination. When the sun started setting Louis arrived home to luscious meal.

With a skeptical eye brow he questioned the new lady chef. “I don’t think the two of us can finish all this,” he pointed out to the dinner table.

Jessica laughed saying, “It is okay. We can save some for your lunch tomorrow when you go to work.”

During dinner they made light conversation until the home phone started to ring loudly. Letting himself up, Louis picked up the receiver.

“Hello. May I speak to Jessica?” A male voice appeared on the other line.

Louis furrowed his eye brows. “Who may I be speaking to?”

“You must be Louis. Hello. I’m Anthony. Jessica’s fiancé.”

Jessica sensing something awkward in Louis asked, “Who is it Louis?”

He stared at her and said, “Your fiancé.” The words slipped out from his mouth but it felt raw and unreal.

Eyes wide, Jessica tried to remain compose and took the phone into her hand. “Jessica speaking,” she said.

“Jessie, how much time do you need? You have to at least give me a date.” Anthony sighed through the phone.

She gulped and kept her eyes away from Louis afraid to look his way. “Th—the end of this month, I’ll get back to you. Until then don’t worry about me.”

“Okay. Just keep in mind who is the past, and who is the present. You cannot love a shadow forever. Give yourself a chance with me. I’ll be waiting for your final conclusion.”

“Yes. Bye.”

Jessica quickly put the phone down and mumbled an excuse to Louis wanting to return to her room at lightening speed. But he grabbed her arm holding her back.

“Why didn’t you say anything about this Jess? How come you are here and not where your fiancé is? What had happened?”

She remained quiet searching for her voice to reply to his demands.

“I don’t get anything out of you anymore. Why don’t you just hurt me all you like and that would make me feel a bit better about myself?”

Her glance quickly shot up to his face, that painful look so many years ago was present. She tried to swallow but something was choking her. There was so much she wanted to say to him, to tell him but no words could escape her lips.

Louis studied her and remorse struck him so intensely he could fall to the ground right this instant. He scratched his ear and rapidly turned away. “I’ll clean these dishes. You go and rest.” He said and started packing the plates and culinary. Without him knowing a chipped plate pierced into his finger causing him to drop everything onto the ground.

Blood trickled down his fore finger and made its way to the broken pieces on the floor.

“Damn it,” Louis swore and got onto his knee starting to pick up the shattered mess.

Jessica rushed to his side and held his hand in hers. “Don’t pick anything up. Let’s get this wash and put a band aid over.” She motioned him to toward the kitchen sink to run his finger through the tap water.

“That’s a deep cut.” She examined it closely. “Now we can throw all those dishes away and buy new ones.”

Suddenly, Jessica was in Louis arms and he embraced her tightly. “I’m so sorry Jess for all those horrible things I said in the past. Forgiveness is not what I ask for; I only want you to know that I’m sorry.”

Then and there he had said it, the words that were always at the tip of his tongue and thoughts. He didn’t know what had provoked him and didn’t care because for that moment, he had missed Jessica and here she was in his arms. When she was ten sleeping within his embrace, fourteen crying over verbal harassments in school and twenty when she couldn’t bare him to leave for a week. They had been together more to the better part of their lives.

That night Jessica cried in his arms and felt as though the Louis she came to love hadn’t disappeared. He was still present and hugging her with all of his warmth.

“I didn’t mean to hide Anthony from you.” She said out of the blue. “When he proposed to me it was so sudden and I said yes without thinking. I know stupid of me. He’s a good man, maybe great. But during all these months I kept having this strange lingering feeling inside of me. I didn’t know what it was, or what it wanted me to do.”

Jessica sat down next to Louis on the sofa holding his hand tightly. Whenever she was scared or confused in the past, it was his hand that she held. She didn’t dare to tell Isabelle because her sister would worry sick for her. Jessica loved her sister too much to be a burden.

“Gradually, I kept thinking about what has happened before. Every night before I go to sleep I could smell that disinfectant scent from when Isabelle was being treated. During the day every where I turned it looked like Sydney. Where we used to have a picnic, go for a swim, take a bicycle ride.”

Louis looked at her deeply and knew they both have suffered. What was beyond sad was they weren’t able to be near each other to help heal one another wound. They had let the grief drive them apart. He squeezed her hand and said, “Your senses are telling you to come here one last time.”

There are some wounds we carry with us on every journey and though the cut is long gone, the pain remains. She wanted to face this baggage that followed her each step and once and for all smile when she recollects on all of her memories. To begin a new life with Anthony, she felt that he deserves everything she has to offer.

“I wanted to stop hiding.” Jessica spoke softly.

He nodded in silence agreement.

“I also own you an apology,” she said.

“For what?” Louis questioned.

“What you said that night Isabelle passed away, it was true. You were right. You must have hated me all that time knowing that, don’t you? I was such a selfish brat wanting you to be part of my family that had always been just my sister and I.” Tears streamed down her face once more as she undergone agonies for something she could never forgive herself.

“No, it was me. I needed someone to put the blame and anger on. You were there and took it all. Before I married your sister, I knew she didn’t love me whole-heartedly. She would have a far away look in her eyes and only when she’s with you then she’s entirely happy. Maybe that’s what I love about her; how she could give you an unconditional love no one can rob her off. I was so envious and only hoped through time she would love me as much.”

Jessica couldn’t help noticing how fragile Louis looked all of a sudden. His grip on hers was firm yet it shook slightly and the broad shoulders that could lift her high into the sky were slouched forward. What could she do for this unfortunate man?

“Jess, you did me no wrong. I knew there was a pit hole and yet I continued walking. That night, I know I could never fix it up. A thousand apologies wouldn’t do.”

Maybe that was all they needed, to say everything that was in their tortured heart. She held his head under her chin and smiled. “Lets not waste any more time than we already have, maybe we could never fully heal from what has happened. But let’s try to create happier memories so that when we do think of our beloved Isabelle, there’s nothing but joy for her existence.”

“Now I know why Isabelle loves you so much.”

In Jessica’s embrace he felt not of the bottomless sadness but a sky full of possibilities.

--

Christmas was on its way in a month time and Jessica must have decorations for this celebration. Strolling through the shopping center, she eyed for anything to get for Louis this Christmas and was in turmoil for his perfect gift. Peering through the glass window she gazed down at a necklace with a simple design, which would look brilliant on Louis. Looking back up, she saw a man’s reflection in the glass and gasped.

“Anthony!”

No, she was imagining him to be here. Anthony looked at her with his best smile and took her into his arms.

“End of November you say? Now it’s already December and I’ve decided to come for you.”

Jessica was wordless and could only stare at him with disbelief in her eyes. “When did you get here? How did you know I was here?”

Anthony took her hand and held onto it ushering for her to continue walking. Soon he replied, “Your address book was still in your house back home. That’s how I got Louis number as well. This morning I caught a cab to Louis’ house but then I saw you driving out, so I told the driver to follow you here.” Anthony grinned and said, “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

“Yes. It’s nice.” She answered shakily.

“That’s good. Let’s go sit somewhere to eat. I’m famished!”

--

If there was one thing Louis hated most in the world, it was finding a gift for someone especially when it’s for Jessica. It’s so difficult because she would love anything even if he gives her the wrong flavoured chocolates. Gaining a headache from present hunting was supposed to be illegal. Browsing through all the gift shops he tried to remember the last time he actually bought her something.

While trying to figure out his dilemma, Louis saw a familiar figure from afar going in a café. It was no one other than Jessica and an unknown man. Following the duo into the café there was wooden boards that separate every table; therefore he quickly ordered something at the counter and slipped onto the table that was behind them. Was the stranger one of Jessica’s old friend?

“So… When are you ready to go back to London with me?” The man questioned Jessica.

There was a long pause then she replied, “Anthony. Sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you.” Jessica looked directly at him and carried on. “I will be going back to London—but not with you.”

Both Louis and Anthony were shock at her statement.

“What do you mean you’re not coming back with me?” It was clear Anthony was trying to remain composed and his voice was holding back rage.

“I know that I don’t hold romantic feelings for you. Perhaps, what we share is just fondness. Why should we marry when that’s all there is to it?”

Anthony quickly rebutted, “It’s that Louis isn’t it? Did he do something?”

Jessica shook her head. “No. Louis is just a brother to me, why should he affect our relationship.”

“You are so skilled at lying that you even made yourself believe it. I know what he is to you, and believe me he’s not merely a brother.” Anthony tapped his finger on the table and grimaced. “Jessie, don’t lie to yourself. All those art works he sent to you, I’ve seen the way you look at them.”

Does she really want to be another Isabelle? Choosing a man for all the wrong reasons? No, she never wanted to hurt anyone. She’d rather it was her that was in pain than the people she treasures.

Taking in a deep breath Jessica held onto her glass of water. “Everything is in the past. Louis and I are like what we used to be, that’s all. Anthony, he would never see me as anyone other than his dead wife’s sister.”

Shock surfaced on Anthony’s face. Undoubtedly he didn’t expect Louis to truly be Jessica brother in law. In fact, there are numerous things about Jessica he doesn’t know. “Is he another reason why you left Australia?” he questioned.

Nodding slightly, Jessica stared at her fingers. “I’ll be going back to Britain. Maybe in a week or two but trust me I won’t stay.”

“Why not? You still love him, that’s why you came back here in the first place. Don’t take me as a fool Jessica but all of these things I knew very well but not the clear story that’s all. I can’t take the fact that you’re leaving me and then leaving this place. Why are you always running?”

Jessica jerked her head up and stared at Anthony. “I came here to sort a misunderstanding with Louis. Now it’s done, I’ll go back to where I initially was.” She reasoned with herself.

“Where you initially were? Where is that? Here? London? Beat it; you don’t know where you belong. When I first met you I saw that look on your face and that’s why I became friends with you.” He brushed his dark brown hair with his fingers in frustration. “Look, I’ll hold no hard feelings with you about our break up. But as I was your friend first, and as a friend I’ll say that you have nowhere you can go unless you do something about it.”

“What can I do? Jump into his arms and confess my feelings, that I loved him silently for Lord knows how long? It won’t work. We’ll just keep everything as it is, I’m content with it.”

“Fine. Do you want me to stay here until you fly back to London?” He asked feeling sorrow for this woman before him who could love so much, but not for him.

She smiled and said, “I was afraid that we can’t even be friends. You don’t know how much your friendship means to me.”

Anthony put his hands in his pocket. “Yeah, yeah I know just not as much as your love for that dense creature.”

“Louis is not dense. He is very intelligent,” she argued.

“Heaven. I only said he’s dense and you’re already jumping at my throat for it. Well I guess it is good being your friend again for one reason.”

“What is it?” Jessica asked curiously.

Anthony shrugged casually saying, “I could keep teasing you about this and you can’t do anything about it.”

Jessica swatted him across the arm.

Behind them, Louis exited the café.

--

Four days after the incident at the café, Louis and Jessica were sitting at home one watching television and the other reading. Louis eyes kept darting to where Jessica was with her intense concentration on the novel she was reading. All of a sudden, her eyes seemed to be getting red.

“Jess? What’s the matter?”

She looked up from the book and her lips quivered slightly. “The book is so sad,” she answered trying not to explode in a bowl of tears.

Louis chuckled and questioned, “What is it about?”

“It’s just a tragic story. You know of death, betrayal and misunderstanding. But then there is also a lot of love and hope.”

“When are you going back to London?”

The question came unexpectedly and Jessica didn’t know why he was asking. “After Christmas.”

“Okay.” He replied standing up. “I’ll go get the mail.”

Minutes later Louis came rushing in almost tripping over his own foot. “Jess! Look at this!” He cried out and showed her an ordinary looking envelope but what were on it shocked them both. The writing on the envelope belonged to Isabelle.

Anxiously opening the envelope, they found three papers that were folded separately with labels on them.

“Read this together. For Jessica. For Louis.” Jessica read out loud of what was written on each paper.

Unfolding the letter telling them to read it together, Jessica’s hands were trembling. Louis reached out and took hold of it. “Here, I’ll hold it.” He said and spread the letter straight.

Dearest Louis and Jessica,

Lately I don’t remember much of what my days have been spent on. Perhaps today is a first in a while where I feel my head is not clogged anymore. It’s clear for once. Writing this while I’m sitting on the bench in the hospital’s garden then I realize I haven’t seen you two in a long time. So after I’m going to finish this letter, I’ll be giving it to my nurse and give it to you two in case I might forget again.

Now memories are flooding back into my head and there is something I must tell Jessica. Angel, you are not my real sister. We’re actually half-sisters. Shocking isn’t it? And through the years everyone said we look alike, but maybe we should thank our wretched Mother.

My Father was a horrible vile creature. He had drunk himself dead one morning outside in our garden. Then Mother was no better, obviously she slept with a man she doesn’t even know his name. Afterward she wanted to get rid of you and I was nine then. But I wouldn’t let her, I didn’t know why back then but later when you were born I knew.

Everyone used to think that I merely needed someone to love me, and then I won’t be this strange pitiful girl. But they were wrong; I didn’t want Mother or Father to love me. They were better off far away, of course I never told anyone this. When Mother told me she’s going to get rid of you, I stopped her and told her that I’ll look after you. She won’t even need to worry and know we exist. I begged and begged.

Afterward, your birth brought me so much joy. When you were four I knew why I wanted you to come into this world… for me to love you. All I ever wanted was to learn how to love someone and you taught me the greatest lesson Jessica.

You two are the most amazing people I know. You have such a limitless heart. Louis easily accepted both of us and for that I’ll always thank him. Maybe I don’t love you like a wife should love a husband, but you are someone I trust to let Jessica near. I’m sorry for putting you through all of this Louis. The miscarriages made me feel dreadful because I kept imagining myself as my Mother and losing Jessica the baby inside my belly. It almost killed me.

Hopefully this letter can get to you by the time I’m feeling well again. Also read the attach notes I have for you respectively, it’s a little secret. See you soon.

Isabelle.

Both Jessica and Louis stared at the letter and couldn’t believe his or her eyes. They took out the smaller folded papers and took the one with their name on it. They read the notes silently.

Please find it in your heart to do something for me Louis. Take good care of Jessica while I’m in such state. I know you love her as if she is your own sister. She’s my baby angel. Don’t ever let her fly away, even if u have to grow wings then please fly with her. Jessica has showed me so much about why we are alive as we are and how vast the heart is. She always understands, accepts and forgives. Trust me; she would show you the same and much more.

You know what I have realize Jessica? Louis has something of you that I don’t. Do you know what that might be? Your tears. In front of everyone even me you would hold it back. But only to Louis do you cry so much that he gets all crazy with what he should do. Now I’m wondering if I should be angry at Louis for half taking you away from me… Actually I’m not because after every time you run to him and cry, you would come out smiling with utmost joy. Stay together okay? Don’t leave one another. You two need each other in certain ways.

Louis looked to Jessica and said, “Let us have a wonderful Christmas this year.”

She smiled in return saying, “Yeah. We deserve it.”

“Yes. Everyone deserves happiness don’t they?” Louis asked rhetorically.

--

Two years later.

Louis ran through the door to his house and turned on the computer after hastily looking at the clock on the wall. Great, he made it in time. Logging onto MSN Messenger and quickly clicked onto a contact.

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there, somehow, someday, somewhere… says:
Hey Jess

No day has ever failed me, quite. Before the grayest day is done, I'll see a misty purple bloom or late line of crimson sun. says:
Hi! What was the surprise you wanted to tell me last night?

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there, somehow, someday, somewhere… says:
You must come back for Christmas to see it because I can’t send it over.

No day has ever failed me, quite. Before the grayest day is done, I'll see a misty purple bloom or late line of crimson sun. says:
Well… what if I can’t get a leave for Christmas? Does that mean this year I won’t get any present?

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there, somehow, someday, somewhere… says:
Yes, your bad luck.

No day has ever failed me, quite. Before the grayest day is done, I'll see a misty purple bloom or late line of crimson sun. says:
Gosh! You’re so mean. Guess I’m staying back and not taking my promotion to Australia.

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there, somehow, someday, somewhere… says:
What?

No day has ever failed me, quite. Before the grayest day is done, I'll see a misty purple bloom or late line of crimson sun. says:
Finally I got the promotion I wanted after two years of slaving myself. They told me I can choose a base from any of their branches. Obviously, I chose Sydney and they accepted. Meaning… I’ll be back for good.

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there, somehow, someday, somewhere… says:
That’s great! Can’t wait to see you again.

No day has ever failed me, quite. Before the grayest day is done, I'll see a misty purple bloom or late line of crimson sun. says:
Me too! So what is my present going to be like? Any hints?

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there, somehow, someday, somewhere… says:
Nope. No hints.

No day has ever failed me, quite. Before the grayest day is done, I'll see a misty purple bloom or late line of crimson sun. says:
Fine. Guess I’ll have to see for myself then. How did the meeting this morning go?

Many hours later they bid each other good night and fell into a beautiful slumber anticipating Christmas. Louis and Jessica had gone back to the days in the past and often converse through the internet until the early hours of the morning. They both wore a smile before drifting into their dreams with an image of one another.

--

“Exactly where are you taking me Louis?” Jessica questioned and cannot stop fidgeting as all this commotion Louis was making her uneasy. He had a big grin on his face showing his dimples deciding not to answer her question. “It’s almost twelve midnight. I want to go back home and open the present you put under the Christmas tree for me.”

Louis turned a left corner and into a short street where there were a few street lights along its path. Shortly he stopped the car and opened the door. Running over to Jessica side he opened her door for her and ushered her out. “Come on, hurry up.” He beckoned pulling her arm.

“What is there to see here? It’s all dark.”

“Just wait.” Louis stated and ran onto someone’s lawn doing something she cannot make out of it. Soon, the house before her sparkled with Christmas lightings around it and a big card board picture of Santa Claus was on the front yard riding in his sleigh with the reindeers. Everything had lights around them and it blinked at her with spectacular colours. “Merry Christmas! This is your present.”

Jessica went still and looked over at him who was beside her already. “Wh-what do you mean? The lights?”

“Silly girl. The house of course, I especially designed and carefully watch over the construction for you.” He declared with a light tone to his voice.

Surprise was yet to vanish from Jessica she observed the house. This was Louis present to her. A house he built. “Oh Louis! Thank you so much. How can I ever take this big present? And what I got for you was so small. That’s so embarrassing. Tomorrow I’ll go find more things for you. Hang on. What about that box wrapped up under the Christmas tree? I thought that was your present to me.”

She was so excited and filled with joy she didn’t realize the distant between them were decreasing. “Don’t be so stupid. You don’t have to get me anything else from now on. The other wrapping is also another present for you,” he replied patting her head whilst smiling tenderly.

Throwing her arms around his body, she hugged him close.

“Louis, there’s something I want to tell you.”

Jessica eased away from his heat and looked into his eyes. “There’s this quote from a movie I really like and it says; truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.” She paused trying to summon courage to carry on. “This might be surprising—I mean shocking but please just listen--”

He interrupted her with his finger on her lips and softly said, “I know.”

“You know?” Her eyes grew wide.

“That’s why I just said that you don’t have to get me any gifts from now on. I officially made you the present I want for every Christmas and this is going to be our home.”

“Our home…” Jessica repeated it evidently dazzled by the outcome of the night.

Louis leaned down placing a gentle kissed on her lips enwrapping her body within his arms. There was nothing left for Jessica to do but surrender to everything her heart has been yearning for. His lips remained on her moist ones and he murmured, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Jessica opened her eyes and she found her vision to be blurred by the wetness in her eyes.

He grabbed her hand and opened the car door for Jessica to get in. Confused she asked, “Where are we going now?”

“Well when I say that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want it to start straight away. So we’re going back to our home to open that other present I got for you.” Louis started the engine with a gleam of delight in his eyes as he watched her.

“The other present? What’s in it?” she questioned.

“What we need to start our life together,” Louis responded. Holding her left hand and rubbing the fingers, he placed his lips on them to kiss it.

Jessica nodded and couldn’t wait for tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. With her hand in his, he was taking her back to those years where she could find her heart again. Yes, let us go back to the beginning and start again.

--

© Acknowledgements

Defy Not The Heart – Story title: Borrowed title from novelist Johanna Lindsey.

“Truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.” – Movie: Sweet Home Alabama.

“People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places, like secret road maps of their personal histories; diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don’t. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers.” – Television Series: Grey’s Anatomy, said by Meredith.

“No day has ever failed me, quite. Before the grayest day is done, I'll see a misty purple bloom or late line of crimson sun.” – Extracted from a poem by Grace Noll Crowell.

"Hold my hand and I’ll take you there, somehow, someday, somewhere." -- Lyrics extract from Somewhere by Pet Shop Boys.

"A thousand things we could have done differently but all we're left is what we did." -- Anonymous