"I Just Can’t Help but Wonder

"I Just Can’t Help but Wonder."

I often find myself wondering why everything has turned out as it has. It wasn’t long ago we all played Hide-and-Seek, and know we are all growing up, colouring our hair, wearing make-up, flirting. It is the joy, pain and scariness of growing up.

Everyone is breaking up their friendships, making new friends and boy/girl-friends, breaking those relationships up, and so on and so on. We are pushing our parents away, trying to be independent. For some of us, it succeeds just fine, maybe with a few obstacles here and there, but it still succeeds. But for some of us, we fail miserably. That is what happened to my ex-best friend, Louise.

When it was time to pass the "independence-test", showing our parents they have raised us right, showing our parents we aren’t afraid of responsibility, showing our parents we can take care of ourselves, showing the world we can be independent... I succeeded in flying colours, but my friend, Louise, failed, big time.

We still talk, but I don’t use my spare-time on her anymore. You see, about a year ago I realised she wasn’t treating me as well as she should be. I realised that she considered me as her "second-mother", just because I cared about her. She held secrets, she bag-stabbed me. Many of our shared friends could see which path our dear Louise was on. We all tried, gently, getting her back on the right path, but it did not work. One day I had had enough of Louise and her crap, I realised 1) you can’t help a person, who does not want to be helped. 2) You can’t help anybody else, before you help yourself. 3) Sometimes being harsh is better that being gentle.

Now Louise is a problematic, insecure teenage, who started smoking at 13, is drinking heavily, smoking different kinds of drugs, sometimes cutting herself, thinking of suicide (all thought, she does not have the guts to do it), letting guys take advantage of her, failing school, fighting with her mother... And here I am, straight B´s and A´s, self-confident, creative, healthy, probably predestined to have a great career and family, stronger and wiser than ever. And I can’t help but wonder, what if Louise had followed my footsteps? What if she had just had a little more confidence in herself? What if she had ignored others opinions just a bit more? What if I had hold on to her just a bit longer? What if?

And you know what the saddest thing is? Louise is the sweetest girl I have ever met, she is pretty, she is fourteen and she was my friend. And there isn’t a thing I can do to help her.

I just can’t help but wonder.

Riley