Price

“You should have told me…”

My voice sounded odd in my ears, like I was stuck at the bottom of a well. You turned you head towards me, a rueful smile barely visible in the darkness. I clenched my fists, trying to control my anger and knowing it was impossible.

“You should have told me you were upset.”

This time the tone I heard was even weirder, tight and polite but edged with a bitterness I didn’t know I felt. I could have sworn your face flicked in the light, passing through hurt before smoothing to that false mask that you used against people who you wanted to keep away, people who, up until recently, were not me.

That little thought just made me even madder, especially since I knew I bought this on myself.

“Why didn’t you talk to me? Open up? Trust me?”

“What, like you did with me?” your reply was, if possible, politely sarcastic. “You were the one who told me that I didn’t need you”

I swallowed, fighting the urge to grab you by the shoulders and all but scream in your face.

“You don’t. Not in the same way you did. That’s not to say I wasn’t going to be here for you. And,” I added. “I also said that I needed you.”

I could imagine you raising an eyebrow in disbelief. In scorn that I was trying to perhaps trick you, lie to you. My heart raced in horror at the thought and I blundered on, feeling as if you were slipping inch by inch away from me.

“I wanted to be here for you, for only when you needed me, and I know I might have helped. Been a post for you to lean on…”

“I have my girlfriend for that.”

I felt my body wince. That remark had stung, just like all the other times that you mentioned her. Her position in your life was well known and, as best I could, I respected it but sometimes damage done in one night was irreparable. Hurting not only you, but also the girl I had thought of as my sister was not something I had lived down well.

“I know, I know. I’m not trying to force her out but I am trying to be your friend. Like I should be. Like I used to be.”

“It’s a bit late for that,” you said, voice heartbreakingly soft. “You so much as said you were going to shut off your feelings, revert back to that closed off pit of nothingness that you used to be. You told me I didn’t need you, that I had someone else. You said all of this, after five beers and a dose of medication for the flu. You have effectively waived the fucking right to know how I’m feeling.”

I gritted my teeth, trying not to say something caustic and stupid and defensive like I always did when pushed.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re always sorry. You never change.”

Sighing, you turned away.

“You should have fought and you didn’t. You should have opened up and you didn’t. You should have stood there and fucking tried and you fucking didn’t.”

Every word was like a blow into my chest, thudding deep into my heart. My senses reeled, all those carefully stored emotions and pain falling through my veins and almost slipping out of my eyes.

“Ok, I screwed up,” I replied, throwing my hands in the air in desperation. “I’m fucked. What can I do about it? How can I fix it?”

I heard that sad little chuckle erupt from your throat and knew what the next answer was. I also knew, that after hearing it, I might lose all control.

“You can’t. Sorry. You’ve lost all chances. Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore…”

I gasped. How could you say that?

Suddenly, I felt white heat spread from inside my chest out to the very tips of my fingers and toes. I knew this heat. Knew it and feared it. It was the flame of uncontrolled feeling, breaking its bonds and lighting my tired and sore body on fire, smashing my specially built cage apart…

I had built this cage of skin and bone, to contain a heart with the power to crush diamonds and break itself into dust that would never be whole again…

Tears pricked in my eyes, the hollowness in my limbs lifted. I felt wild, unchained, powerful and powerless all at the same time. My mind, usually so calm and logical, seemed to freeze in the heat, all counter fighting and mind games slowed to a stop.

“How… can you… say…. THAT!”

You suddenly jumped as my voice rose.

“How the fuck can you say THAT! After everything we have been though? After I’ve waited so fucking patiently for you to come back, to forgive yourself and me, to accept what was going on! How can you just shut this off, like some… like some SWITCH! How can you block me out when I’ve done everything you have ever asked of me! I just want you to be here for me, and I want to be here for you! Is that too fucking much to ASK? TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR? A simple friendship on equal footing?”

“What about my girlfriend?” You had found your snarl, retaliating at my anger with logic. “What about her? What about that fucking amazing girl who is broken because of us? Because of YOU!”

I felt the cords in my neck tighten, pulse thudding in my ears as tears began to pour down my face.

“I can’t help her! I can’t! I’ve tried and tried! All I seem to do is hurt her… And fucking hell, I’m not asking you to fucking chose!”

“Yes you are. You asked me to chose the moment you told me you were in love with me!”

I froze, mouth agape. You had used against me the one thing I never thought you would have. I could imagine your expression, filled with shameful pride, knowing that what you said was right but regretting that it had to hurt me so badly.

“I never… I could never win against her. I never wanted to try, because I knew I’d lose. But now you… It wasn’t worth me trying was it?”

You sense the change in me and I could see you were frantically trying to find the words that would stop me from following that path of thought. But it was too late. My heart was directing my mind down a dark road of logic towards a conclusion that hurt almost too much to bear.

“I should never have tried to save you both, should I? I should never have kept being involved with you two. God… I’ve been such a fucking moron to even think that the fact I’m in love with you means anything.”

“Please…” your voice was once again soft. “You know I love you too. You know it. Don’t…”

“Don’t what? Don’t do what I should have done after I fucked this all up?”

I took a deep shuddering breath, blinked and turned to walk away. Suddenly grabbing my elbow, you held me back.

“Don’t go. Please. I’m sorry.”

I took another deep breath, finally feeling the tears in my eyes overflow.

“I’m sorry too,” I said as I pulled my arm out of your grasp and walked away from you.

I had to pay the price for my actions. It’s just hard knowing that the price to pay was you…