For Great Justice

You must be the new ADA, come on in, come on in. Just move that pile of papers and have a seat. I understand you graduated summa cum laude from Yale Law and learned the ropes at Williams, Williams, Williams & Llewetterschmidttenard. That’s a quality firm, so I’m sure you’ll have no problem fitting in here at the county district attorney’s office. The police just made a few more arrests today, and we’re swamped as it is. I don’t know what kind of work you did before, but you won’t find a more unscrupulous collection of scumbags anywhere else, I can tell you that. Every week it’s another serial rapist, or a sex offender, or some guy who had a bone to pick with his mother. Why just this morning, I convicted two child molesters and nearly copped a third before lunch. “Reasonable doubt” my ass.

But enough small talk. Let’s get down to business. Here’s the list of cases pending trial. Peruse them and get to work as soon as possible.

Oh, and better put on a pot of coffee. Justice never sleeps, and neither will you.

Docket #04-103: Pac-Man, Mrs. Pac-Man, et al v. Namco

Charge: Endangering the Public Welfare/False Advertising

Briefing: Plaintiffs, Pac-Man and Mrs. Pac-Man on behalf of all victims involved, filed a class action suit against Namco of Japan on the charge of endangering the public welfare and false advertising. Plaintiffs reported that the drug company allegedly manufactured and sold defective diet pills under the claim that said products were guaranteed to induce quick and painless weight loss, up to fifty pounds over the course of three months. In reality, consumers who purchased these pills, sold under the name of “Power Pill X32”, reported minimal weight loss, or in some cases, significant weight gain. In addition, plaintiffs experienced numerous side effects after continued ingestion of the pill, including but not limited to: alteration in skin color to a canary yellow color, loss of bone matter, degeneration of limbs and extremities, permanent dilation of eyes, muscular atrophy, and insatiable, uncontrollable cravings for googly-eyed, multicolored meatballs. Plaintiffs are suing Namco for one…million dollars.

Statement from Mrs. Pac-Man: “I’m addicted to these things now…I can’t stop taking them. When I first started, they told me that if I took them I’d drop enough pounds to fit into that size 2 dress. Now look at me!! What man would want me now?! I look like a jaundiced basketball! I’M HIDEOUS!!”

Docket #08-953: Private First Class Joseph R. Smith v. SS Reichsführer/souped-up zombie monster Heinrich Himmler

Charge: Attempted Murder One

Briefing: Victim (Heinrich Himmler) attacked by defendant, PFC Joseph Smith of the United States Army Rangers in -CLASSIFIED- in war-torn Germany. Victim claims he was attacked by no less than seven different weapons; in order of first appearance and use: an M1 Garand, three hand grenades, an MP40 submachine gun, a Browning Automatic Rifle (BAR), a prototype flamethrower codenamed “Hellstorm”, an experimental “Tesla” electric-beam shock cannon, and finally a Colt. 45 semiautomatic pistol. Victim claims he would have died if not for final transformation into invincible “zombie-god.” Currently, victim is recuperating in the depths of the -CLASSIFIED- forest in eastern Germany, presumably feasting on the souls of fallen warriors in an effort to regain vigor. However, victim will return pending a court date.

Defendant is at large, presumably still under orders to carry out top secret government missions. Will be recalled and formally charged in military court as soon as extrication is possible.

Statement from the victim (translated from obscure German-Zombese dialect): “Can't a high ranking SS general conduct secret occult experiments involving the resurrection of hideous zombie Nazis in peace these days? -drool, snarl- Those Americans...they’re always sticking their noses in matters that don’t concern them!”

Docket #01-618: People v. “Hero of Time”

Charge: Murder in the First Degree

Briefing: Defendant (identifying himself only as a so-called “hero of time”) charged with the premeditated murder of unidentified victim 1-390 last night at 10 PM. Body was found approximately twelve hours after the murder. Medical examiner determined that cause of death was attributed to many different causes, included but not limited to seventeen lethal stab wounds inflicted by some kind of sword, possibly of the “Master” variety, fire-based magic attacks, and four silver arrows still embedded in the corpse when discovered. Victim is a red-haired, dark-skinned humanoid of indeterminate age wearing some kind of archaic body armor and gauntlets. Identifying mark on back of victim's hand: a single golden triangle. However, no match exists in the database for this particular victim. DNA tests suggest a non-human race. No surviving witnesses at the scene of the alleged murder, but numerous villagers and stone golems report seeing a blonde, slim, pointy-eared young man wielding a sword and metal shield exiting the scene of the crime. Defendant pleads not guilty, citing that he was “only trying to impress this hot princess chick.”

Docket #06-459: People v. “Returners”

Charge: 248 counts of burglary

Briefing: Locals report a string of break-ins and subsequent robberies all around the tri-kingdom area, apparently perpetrated by a gang of thieves, numbering from 5 individuals to 20, depending on testimony. Stolen items include “Elixirs”, “Fenix Downs” and “High Potions”, as well as rare antiques (“Rune Blade”, “Flame Armor” and “Diamond Shield” among the missing). Numerous witnesses can place the culprits at the scene of the crime, including some instances in which one unidentified thief blatantly walked in through an unlocked door in the middle of the day and proceeded to loot two highly conspicuous chests located in the room, then walked back out the door without so much as a backwards glance. Witnesses expressed puzzlement over the apparent ease in which the alleged thieves opened seemingly locked doors and chests, as well as a thus far unexplained momentary inability to physically prevent said burglaries. One defendant described as a “tall, solemn-looking Caucasian man, early twenties, with the biggest, most impossibly-spiky hair and an even bigger, more impossibly-sharp sword.” Another was described as “a young scantily clad brunette, late teens, impossibly-large chest.” Three culprits have already been apprehended and plead guilty to all counts, included a small, white creature with black wings and a curious bright red ball suspended from its head.

Statement from Witness A: “Honestly, I can't believe the nerve of those people, just barging into a stranger's house and helping themselves to priceless valuables, strutting around like they saved the world or something. Whatever happened to decency?”

Docket #02-538: Space Alien Invaders v. Space Fighter Pilot “John Doe”

Charge: Genocide

Briefing: Defendant (name withdrawn) charged with the genocide (as defined under the United Nations’ International Convention for the Prevention and Punishment of Genocide) of an estimated seven million space alien invaders originating from the distant planet of Zorbak-Omega in the Galaxi galaxy. Witnesses report one manned space fighter (accounts and descriptions of the color and shape vary) single-handedly and systematically shoot down approximately fifty waves of insect-shaped alien spacecraft arrayed in neat, static formations. Despite constant counteroffensives and repeated “kamikaze” dives aimed at the lone attacking spacecraft, resistance proved to be ineffective as defendant easily evaded enemy fire and calmly dispatched any and all alien invaders with an array of devastating and presumably stolen weaponry, primarily utilizing an assortment of laser-based artillery. There were no survivors.

Every military organization of every nation on Earth has disavowed knowledge of any such space fighter pilot. Most of them have expressed shock and disbelief over the despicable actions of this lone representative of the human race.

Defendant has been placed into custody and pleads insanity, describing that “it was like someone else was controlling my every action, moving me to the left, to the right, making me detonate all those cluster bombs. I swear, I had no idea I was wiping out an entire species!”

Psychiatric evaluations will be conducted at a later time by the prosecution to determine defendant’s mental status.

Statement from Witness A: “You couldn’t even find the bodies of the alien invaders or their ships…they were all atomized, just like that. I haven’t seen this kind of indiscriminate slaughter since Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge…or that Ender kid.”

Commentary: I think this particular piece was inspired by a similar article on SomethingAwful as well as numerous Law and Order reruns. Written for Scholastics 2006, and won a gold key. I get a kick out of writing about video games, since I was all about them as a boy.