A bit awkward I guess, just me, trying to grasp a friend’s suicide...it's everything I've experienced today...

Laying outside, on the breach of summer, it’s warm and breezy. The sky is an unyielding forget-me-not blue, and sweet marshmallow clouds drift lazily by.

I see this all with my eyes closed, because I know it’s there. My lids are burning and slightly swollen, disinclined to be open, my hands are stiff from clutching damp tissues, and this cheerful day mocks my sorrow.

My face is so close to the ground; I breathe in the moist earth. The grass is fresh and fragrant, but too tall and lush. Someone should cut it.

I start to reflect on earlier this afternoon:

The air is too thick, and my room has become too warm; I can barely breathe. I shut my cell phone unwilling to believe what I’ve just been told.

I make phone calls and write awkward emails to friends who I have not seen in over a year, giving information they, too, will not accept.

A shiver runs throughout my body.

How can it all end just like that? Was your suffering so great? Did you possibly have no one to talk to, to help you?

It’s just not fair! I remember you too well. Your goofy smile. In the mornings you smelled as though you had bathed in your cologne. Your hugs were genuine. We joked at swim practice... when you were there! Everyone on the team laughed because you and Lauren’s dog had the same name. I’ll never forget how you couldn’t keep your eyes and arms off of Jessi at our junior homecoming. So long ago.

Tim, I remember you too well, and only one week has passed since we walked across stage for graduation. One week to the day. You looked so happy. You, and your goofy smile.

So tell me, how could you end it all, just like that? Why did you leave your family? Your friends? Was it a game? An accident? An escape? Did you really feel so alone?

I’ll never understand what happened.

Please don’t let this be real.

Rest in Peace Timothy Bergeron.