UNDECIDED

Book and lyrics by Brandon Pfeltz

Music by Brandon Pfeltz

Cast of Characters

BRANDON, Eighteen year old boy who has an undecided college major.

JANE, Brandon's girlfriend, also eighteen. Majors in theater, plays multiple parts.

SCOTT, Brandon's friend, auditions for theater. Big ego, plays many parts.

VINNY, is gay.

The musical does not have any sort of physical setting. The actual location of the story may take place at the director's discretion. The musical is one act, with no intermission.

BRANDON

So, you tell me to meet you at the theater, and when I get here the lights are off? This better be a surprise party.

JANE

Better, it's an intervention!

BRANDON

Seriously guys, it was one time. I didn't have enough money for those tickets, and that girl was-

SCOTT

No, no, no. It's not even about that. We're here to help you, we're your friends.

VINNY

Everyone who loves you is here for you!

BRANDON

Great, three people. I can feel my heart growing three sizes bigger. Seriously, what the heck do you guys want?

JANE

You've been struggling picking a major, we know that. We thought that maybe we could help you out a little bit by being there for you. We wanted to give you a little bit of options that you might want to consider.

VINNY

That's why we're going to put on.. a musical!

BRANDON

What? Are you serious?

SCOTT

Yeah, what do you think we've been doing after school for the past month. We've been rehearsing! Remember that CD we sent you, you know, the one we asked you to memorize all the lyrics to?

VINNY

Didn't you find it weird that all the songs were about picking a college major? That some of the songs referred to a guy named Brandon?

BRANDON

Well.. it could have referred to any Brandon..

JANE

Really? I thought the descriptions on the back of the CD we're pretty specific. We even mentioned that Brandon was a slightly overweight white guy from the suburbs. We said that he had terrible hair, yellow teeth that look like they've been hit by a baseball bat, come on, you know! We said he smelled like strained-

BRANDON

Yes, okay I get it. Sometimes I just prefer to forget about those things.

SCOTT

It's hard for us to forget because we are the ones that have to look at you. Did you learn the songs?

BRANDON

Well, yeah. I remember them I guess.

VINNY

Good, then let's give it a try!

ALL EXCEPT BRANDON

NOW YOU'RE HERE WITH THE ONLY THREE

FRIEND'S YOU'VE GOT.

DECIDED THAT YOU WANT TO GIVE COLLEGE A SHOT.

BUT YOU'RE SO LOST ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO,

AND THAT'S WHY IT SUCKS TO BE YOU.

BRANDON

Oh great, such motivational words. If the rest of this intervention goes this well, I just may choose to major in the science of drinking yourself into depression.

JANE

NO, DON'T LOSE HOPE, WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU A HAND.

I TRUST THAT YOU CAN DO IT, SO COME ON LET'S HOP TO IT.

THERE ARE SO MANY MAJORS FOR YOU TO CHOOSE LIKE

HISTORY!

VINNY

DANCE!

SCOTT

RAPE!

JANE

MAYBE NOT THAT LAST ONE.

BRANDON

ACTUALLY, IT SOUNDS FUN.

ALL EXCEPT BRANDON

YOUR UNDECIDED,

UNDECIDED.

YOU'LL NEVER GO FAR WITHOUT A GOAL INSIGHT

BUT YOU'RE UNDECIDED TONIGHT.

VINNY

I KNOW THAT YOU'VE GOT TALENT,

AND YOU'VE EVEN GOT SOME BRAINS, YEAH YOU DO!

YOU COULD DO BEDAZZLE CLOTHES, PAINT ART, OR PROSE.

I'LL LEAVE THE CHOICES UP TO YOU.

SCOTT

NOW WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU'LL BE FINE,

JUST NOT AS GOOD AS ME (WE ALL AGREE, YEAH!)

SO I GUESS IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT YOU DO,

JUST PICK SOMETHING THAT INTERESTS YOU!

ALL EXCEPT BRANDON

YOUR UNDECIDED,

UNDECIDED.

YOU'LL NEVER GO FAR WITHOUT A GOAL INSIGHT

BUT YOU'RE UNDECIDED TONIGHT.

BRANDON

HOW DO I CHOSE WHEN THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.

I'M MEDIOCRE AT A LOT, BUT GOOD, I'M SO NOT.

I'M COUNTING ON YOU ALL TO HELP ME PICK,

I WON'T BE UNDECIDED FOR LONG, BECAUSE THERE'S NO REPRISE OF THIS SONG.

YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME OUT, BECAUSE AS YOU SAY

I'M

ALL

UNDECIDED TODAY!

BRANDON

Wow, that was actually kind of cool. You even got a live band and everything.

VINNY

Brandon, that's because we care about you.

JANE

Plus, we just used Vinny's mother's back hair removal surgery fund to pay for it.

BRANDON

Thanks guys.. I guess. So, are you guys going to get on with the show then?

JANE

Of course, we just need a little exposition. You know how characters in those shows have those soliloquies where they explain who each character is for those dense people who have just a little bit of trouble picking up on it? We're gonna need you to spoon feed the audience every now and then. Go ahead, give it a try. You speak, and we'll stay frozen here in the back.

BRANDON

What? I.. uh.. okay. Okay, uh, hi I guess. Welcome to the new musical, what was it, oh right, Undecided. I'm Brandon, the incredibly suave, sexy, and a little indecisive, star. Over here, we have the lovely Jane. I'd ask her to wave, but as you can see she is immobile at the moment. Jane is my girlfriend, we've been seeing each other for about two years. She's always been very talented. She caught my eye when we were in a production of West Side together. She was playing a Shark, I was playing a Jet, and she got so into her character that she bit me. It was love at first bite. Jane is going to major in musical theater, so there isn't much to worry about her being stolen by other guys in that field of work. I can honestly say that I love her, and that she has her head on straight. Vinny, on the other hand, is not straight. As if the tight leather pants weren't enough to clue you in. He is majoring in costume design, and has a fascination with “bedazzling” any piece of clothing. The art of bedazzling, is basically gluing jewels onto clothes to make them look tacky, I guess. With Vinny's charisma, unique personality, and cosmopolitan lifestyle, it's weird to me that he's majoring in agriculture. He says he likes getting down and dirty, and that milking cows are what he does best. Well, good for him. Lastly, we have Scott. Scott will not be attending college. Instead, he is going to be a rich, and famous actor. All his dreams are going to come true, and he is going to be better than all of us. Well, that's what he thinks at least. He refuses to go to school, because he doesn't believe that it can hone his craft anymore than he could do on his own. He is so good, that school would only lower his abilities. Good luck to him, I can't wait until he fails and is begging on the side of the road. I hate him so much, he annoys the heck out of me. When he is poor, I'm going to kick him. He'll be sitting there with his beggars cup, asking for my spare change. Instead, I'm just going to kick that son of a-

SCOTT

Enough exposition! It's really tiring holding the same position in the back. Besides, you looked a little nervous there in the spot light, I figured that I could.. share it with you.

JANE

Shut up Scott. This musical isn't about you, it's about Brandon. We're here to help him explore some different majors, and hopefully help him find something that he really wants to do. Now Brandon, if you could have any sort of job in the world, what would it be?

BRANDON

I wouldn't mind being the President. I have some good ideas that I'd like to see implemented, and I am pretty sure that I could do an awesome job.

VINNY

Great! So political science! That's just fabulous, I love voting, I love giving all of the power over to someone else. It makes me feel so weak, so helpless, like a damsel in distress. Save me! Save me! Take me away on your horse and save me!

SCENE II

JANE

Mr. President, we've just ordered the mullets shaved off of the heads of every man, woman, and child of America.

BRANDON

Great, then my plan to fix the redneck problem is already making progress.

SCOTT

Sir, I would like to applaud you on your ideas for college finance reform. The bartering idea is a wonderful thing. Instead of paying for college, trading is a great idea. So far in return for giving these children a college education we've received everything from their parent's first bike, to their first born.

BRANDON

Excellent work. Take everything that we gain and sell it to China at double the price. That includes the children. Negotiate a deal so that we can get half off everything that those kids are going to make in the sweat shops.

VINNY

Fabulous idea, Mr. President! Now, there is just the subject of marriage that we have to talk about..

BRANDON

Yes, Vinny. I know of the protests. I tell you now that I will now bend. I will keep the sanctity of marriage, I won't sully it like a.. well, something you sully!

VINNY

Yes sir! I will tell the Farmer's Union right away that you will not yield on them being able to marry their animals!

BRANDON

Wait a minute, Vinny, Jane, Scott, what are you guys doing playing my Presidential advisors? Couldn't you get anyone else to be in this show?

SCOTT

Mr. President! I am not SCOTT! My name is Jerry Rugers, your Vice President! Does Scott have a mustache? I do have a mustache, therefore, I cannot be this man that you are talking about.

JANE

Sorry Brandon, we couldn't really afford to get anyone else. We tried to get some other people to come out and be in the show, but no one wanted to audition. We were on a really tight budget with this. A large majority of the money well towards all the pixie dust..

VINNY

Wee!

SCOTT

Money!? Musicals!? What is all this talk! Mr. President, we are trying to get work done and these buffoons are talking about something completely irrelevant. Now, might I say to you that...

JANE

He's method acting. See, he thinks that he is actually being convincing.. look at him go. But yeah Brandon, like we said, this is a low budget musical. The audience doesn't have to know that the concessions were things we just found on the street! But Brandon, with Political Science, you could have power. Just think of how it would be.

JANE

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

WHATEVER IT IS IT'S UP TO YOU.

THE POWER IS IN YOUR HANDS

YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.

BRANDON

THIS POLITICAL SCIENCE THING IS FUN

I'LL NUKE EVERY OTHER COUNTRY THEN WE'RE DONE

WE'LL BE THE ONLY COUNTRY THAT'S PERMANENT

I'M THE PRESIDENT.

ALL

MEXICO? NUKE IT.

CANADA? BYE-BYE.

AUSTRALIA? ROUND UP ALL THE KANGEROOS, AND WE'LL NUKE THEM TOO!

BRANDON

NO FEAR OF IMPEACHMENT WILL I FACE

WHEN I PUT ALL OF CONGRESS IN THEIR PLACE

I'LL LOCK THEM IN A CELL, WHERE THEY WILL ROT IN HELL.

I'M THE PRESIDENT.

VINNY

BUT MR. PRESIDENT YOU CAN'T FLY OFF THE HANDLE

SUCH A MOTION WOULD'NT BE SATISFACUTAL

SCOTT

THE AMERICAN PUBLIC WOULD NEVER GO FOR THAT

THEY'D MUTINY AND ALL WOULD CRUMPLE THEREAT!

VINNY

EXACTLY!

SCOTT

AND YOU'LL HAVE PROTESTORS GALORE

VINNY

ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS IN STORE

SCOTT

PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU

THEY'LL WANT TO CASTRATE YOU

VINNY

YOU MIGHT DO SUCH A JOB

THEY'LL ASSASSINATE YOU!

JANE

BUT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO..

ALL

THEN IT'S MR. PRESIDENT FOR YOU

PRESIDENT FOR YOU (FOR ME)

PRESIDENT FOR YOU (FOR ME)

VINNY

So how about it Brandon? Political Science is great! You could have a law where, if anyone is being a bad boy, you have to take them outside and whip them.. nude!

BRANDON

Vinny, even if I were the President, no. You have a lot of sexual frustration that you need to take out, and I am tempted to tell you not to speak again until you do. But listen guys, I just don't know if Political Science is something that I want to do. I don't know if I can really handle all that pressure.

JANE

Brandon, no one said that anything was going to be easy. You are going to have to work at whatever you choose to do. No one can just hand you success.

VINNY

What about Psychology? You took that class in school this year, right?

SCOTT

Yeah, but he got a D in it.

BRANDON

What does it matter the end grade? I passed, right?

SCOTT

Yeah, but with a D.

BRANDON

Okay, that's it. Soliloquy! I hate Scott, I really do. He is always trying to one up me. He's got to always consider himself better. I swear, if cannibalism weren't illegal, I would eat him. He needs to take a golf club to the head, and maybe that would smack some fricken' sense into him. He is such an-

SCOTT

Okay, shut the heck up. I'm not just going to sit there while you insult me.

BRANDON

What? You could hear what I said?

SCOTT

Yes! This is real life, remember? There isn't just some sort of theatre magic that keeps us oblivious to what happens when we're frozen in the back. If you have a problem with me, then say it to my face, not while I'm frozen during a soliloquy.

BRANDON

Okay Scott, I DO have a problem with you. You are always trying to be the best. You're ego could feed a tribe in Africa for a year, and you are constantly demeaning to every single person that you know. It gets really old, REALLY fast.

JANE

That's it! Psychology, Brandon! You can help people work out their problems, and you can tell them what's wrong with them. Everyone has a problem, so they'll rely on you to tell them what a freak they are.

BRANDON

You know, maybe I would actually like that.

YOU SEE SIR, YES SIR, IT AINT' THAT YOU CAN'T PLEASE HER.

YOU CAN'T HAVE HER BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO DRESS LIKE HER.

VINNY

DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I NEED YOUR HELP SEE,

I SEE LITTLE GREEN MEN EVERYTIME I GO PEE.

SCOTT

MY WIFE LEFT ME FOR A MIDGET STRIPPER, AND SO I RIPPED HER

A NEW ONE, NOW I'M ALONE, AND THE ONLY SEX I GET IS OVER THE PHONE.

BRANDON

WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS (DOCTOR!)

WE'RE ALL SCREWED UP (DOCTOR!)

WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS (DOCTOR! DOCTOR!)

BUT WE WON'T GIVE UP! (SAY NO TO SUICIDE!)

VINNY

DOCTOR HELP ME! THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!

THE LITTLE TINY INDIANS WHO LIVE IN MY TOENAILS.

JANE

DOC I'M SO AFRAID TO BRAID MY HAIR,

BECAUSE MY HUSBAND ALWAYS TRIES TO EAT MY PIGTAILS. (THEY'RE NOT REAL PIG)

SCOTT

WHEN I WAS A KID I PLAYED HOPSCOTCH, AND NOW WATCH,

I HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM WITH THE SCOTCH.

JANE

DOCTOR I'M SO SCREWED IN MY HEAD, LIKE YOU SAID,

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SLEEP OUT IN THE TOOLSHED.

BRANDON

WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS (DOCTOR!)

WE'RE ALL SCREWED UP (DOCTOR!)

WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS (DOCTOR! DOCTOR!)

BUT WE WON'T GIVE UP! (SAY NO TO SUICIDE!)

SCOTT

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ATTRACTED TO A HORSE? NOTHING WORSE,

IT'S A BARNYARD ANIMALS CURSE, AND IT HURTS!

JANE

SOMETIMES WHEN IT'S REALLY HOT OUTSIDE, I DECIDE

TO GO TO MALLS AND TAKE LITTLE CHILDREN HOME WITH ME.

WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS (DOCTOR!)

WE'RE ALL SCREWED UP (DOCTOR!)

WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS (DOCTOR! DOCTOR!)

BUT WE WON'T GIVE UP! (SAY NO TO SUICIDE!)

THERE'S JUST TOO MANY PROBLEMS

I'M STRESSED OUT TOO, CAUSE OF YOU,

I CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL ANYMORE

NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DOOR (HIS DOOR)

MY DOOR (HIS DOOR)

MY DOOR (HIS DOOR!)

No, I don't think that's going to do either.

SCOTT

Well Brandon, we can't just keep thinking up new ideas. You are going to have to pick something sooner or later. We only have so many songs written!

BRANDON

I know, I know. I just don't know what I want yet.