I laughed as I read my book. The one I always had with me, was always reading. Always a different one. Today it was Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer (again). Anyways, my bad habits of spacing out of reality are not the point here. The point here, was that I was on AIM. I watched the messages flit onto the screen. I exited out of some of those panels, responded to a few. Mostly I just told them I had to go, since I didn’t really want to talk to anyone right now. I mean, I was reading my Twilight, of course that took precedence.

But. Here’s the thing. The next IM I got, startled the hell out of me.

It was from my best friend. My best friend whom I’d had a crush on for longer than I could remember. My best friend whom I’d do anything to make happy. My best friend whom was everything to me.

One big problem here. The IM…

“Hey! Remember that trip I went on last weekend? To that leadership thing? Yeah! I met this amaaazing guy there. He’s great! I mean, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. What the hell do I do about iiiit? I wanna ask him out, but I’m not quite confident enough to do it! I don’t even think he likes me! Maybe you could ask him if he likes me?!”

Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl

He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl…

Whoa! Stop! Okay, what the hell? Boy? Leadership thing? Liking? Loving? Asking out? What the hell? When the frick’ did this happen, eh? Last I checked, she was all, “I don’t like anyone, don’t worry, I don’t like anyone” blah, blah, bla-bullshit.

Apparently I was lied to, because this is rather unlikely now that I’m talking to her again!

Well, one thing at a time, then. She went to a leadership thing. I remember that. She was away for a whole weekend. Complained that she was going to hate the thing, and then raved about it at me for like, three days. Definitely remember that. How could I forget it? Especially with how much she talked about that one boy, the one who was a year older than her. The…

Oh shit. Him? She likes him? Some guy from another frickin’ state, and she likes him more? That’s just offensive. I asked her out like, six months ago and she told me no because I “didn’t fit what she was looking for“. Screw that, she’s just a homophobe. Point taken. But still! A boy from another state? Come on. That’s just down right hurtful that she’d do that.

Okay, breathe. One thing at a time. I had to keep repeating that to myself or I’d go all berserk on her and piss her off beyond repair.

But here’s the thing. What is one supposed to do, when the person they love, turns them down and then a few months later, starts begging you to ask out a boy that they like? How’s that supposed to make you feel?

Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy

He could be that boy

I'm not that girl…

I mean…I changed everything to make her happy.

How I acted, how I dressed, all my friends, my temperament, everything! And now…now she was denying me everything I’d wanted. Everything I’d worked for. Just because she was a bit of a homophobe, and because there was a cute boy who she knew nothing about.

I sighed, staring at the computer screen, wondering why it was suddenly getting too blurry for me to read. But I soon felt the water dripping onto my hands which were sitting on my keyboard, still waiting for the command to type something, and then realized what was happening. For the first time in three years, I was really crying? I was crying…I was…seriously…crying.

Over one girl. One person who I knew I would never be able to date. But I guess I got too attached, because now she was breaking my heart. Taking it out and doing a frickin’ Mexican hat dance on it. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all.

But, what’s a girl to do? I wasn’t going to tell her I wouldn’t help. That was against everything I’d taught myself to be, now. I couldn’t do anything to make her unhappy anymore, it was humanly impossible for me. Completely and totally impossible.

So…I told her yes. She gave me his screen name, and I IMed him for a while. We talked for a bit about some random things until we got comfortable with each other. I asked him if he liked anyone at the moment. He answered that he kind of did.

I asked him if he’d tell me who it was. He said yes.

I asked him who it was. He said it was her.

I started crying again…

Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in…

A few weeks later, they were driving all over to see each other. Meeting up at halfway points and staying together. He was all she could talk about. She was all he could talk about. And they both forgot about me.

But hey. Two of my friends were incredibly happy, and that’s what matters, right?

Blithe smile, lithe limb

She who's winsome, she wins him

Gold hair with a gentle curl

That's the girl he chose

And Heaven knows

I'm not that girl…

So I guess, you can learn a valuable lesson from this whole thing. Why bother loving someone when you know you can’t have them? All it’s going to do is break your heart. All it’s going to do is crush everything you want. Especially when you have to watch someone who you were willing to give up everything for: whether it’s who you were, who you were friends with, your status, anything. Whether it’s someone of your own gender, and you’re willing to give up the possibility of being happy, because you’d be picked on for being gay, or it’s someone of the opposite gender who’s a way higher status than you.

It doesn’t matter who they are or what you were willing to give up to be with them. Maybe none of us should even bother trying to win over someone who obviously doesn’t love us, since all it does is break us apart and make us wish we were dead.

Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart

I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl

There's a girl I know

He loves her so…

Then again…

I thought, as I leaned over, kissing my girlfriend’s cheek. Smiling at how unattainable she’d been, and thinking back to my old best friend, and how she gave up something great.

So then again…maybe it is worth it.

Because really, if someone you love doesn’t want you, they’re not worth it, and you should just move on. Find someone better.

I'm not that girl.

Sure know I did.

Yeah, this is probably pretty bad. But, I wrote it out of boredom and a slight need to show that I appreciate my girlfriend, and then I decided that it was decent enough to post. If you don't like it, don't read it. And especially don't send me reviews complaining about how much it sucked.