Author: hopefullyxme PM
What happens when you add a hot demi-god math teacher, compliantly mesmerized students and 24 hours of back to back lessons?Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 1,641 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 06-14-08 - Status: Complete - id: 2531692
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Once upon a Monday in a kingdom that began with a C, there thrived a village of students. For three years they studied and toiled (or cheated and lazed) happily in the fields of high school enjoying the many fruits of their labor. That was the Golden Age of the kingdom that began with a C. But once the bells chimed on New Year's Eve and their senior year began, things changed.
A newcomer had arrived, bearing a strange, alien thing with him. The Mouth – the most kiss-ass and the most gossipy of their town – had seen him coming. She had perched herself up on the highest hill that overlooked the village. This was where she usually stayed for from that height she could see everything and everyone – what they were doing and who they were with – and could use this to her advantage be it to snitch on them or to gather juicy news to entertain her monotonous tragic life.
With the day long passing and the allotted time for her favorite soap opera nearing, The Mouth decided it was time to go down and share the scandalous news that she had acquired for the day when she espied someone in the distance. Befuddled at the sight she came running to the village to inform her fellows of the news. They had never seen The Mouth so flustered. Not even the time when she saw The Brain and The Jock playing tonsil hockey by the maple tree, she wasn't half as flustered as she was now. The Brain – the most logical (in most aspects of life) of the village as to be expected from her title – interrogated her privately until she was sure she had milked all the juicy gossip from The Mouth. (She had to make sure she hadn't witnessed her and The Jock's recent hook up near the old church yard.) But fortunately for The Brain all other gossip had been banished from The Mouth's mind at what she had seen up on the hill that day. She was that flustered. The villagers grew more and more curious at what The Mouth could have seen and all arranged to meet the stranger at the gates the next day.
Early the next day, all of them gathered round the gates to meet their visitor. The Cheerleaders had come with their pompoms at the ready to cheer the visitor to death. The Band Geeks had come at the ready to show off their wonderfully unique marching-while-playing-a-trombone skills. The Goths had come to bring their dark rain clouds – as dark and as sad as their hearts - to the parade (an essential aspect of every spectacle) and everyone else had come as well to gawk at the visitor and each other. They stood there, awkwardly trying to look like they didn't really care about why they where there; some succeeded most failed miserably. Suddenly, The Head Cheerleader gave out an excited squeal. Her followers all looked up expectantly – they all knew what that squeal meant. Hot, hot, hot guy at twelve o' clock!
And there was a hot, hot, hot guy at twelve o' clock. All the girls and men-preferring boys swooned at this mortal embodiment of male perfection. His flaxen hair shone in the sunlight and briefly they all wondered if there was a halo above his head. They hardly noticed the thing he carried with him. True it was strange and alien to them but carried in this beautiful specimen of manhood's arms it had gained at least an ounce of appeal. He introduced himself as Math Teacher and the thing he carried as Math. He told them of his life-long mission to teach everyone the beauty of mathematics. If anyone was willing enough to spend the next few weeks with him all they needed to do was sign up. He said all this with a flourish of a pen and paper, handing it to The Head Cheerleader (recovered from her bout of that-guy-is-so-mega-ultra-hot-I-just-can't-help-but-stare-and-squeal-like-an-idiot state) with a smile. Everyone stared at him. He really was too beautiful for words. And so the students' fates were sealed for the next few weeks as everyone signed up for the daily sessions – all of them with an agenda that was less than was mathematically honorable. (The girls to a) stare and drool b) wistfully daydream of becoming Mrs. Math Teacher and/or c) try and seduce the socks of off him. The boys were generally there because they were a) forced by their girlfriends to sign up as well b) jealously monitoring their girlfriends/secret crushes fall heels over head in love with Math Teacher's unbelievable charm and good looks and/or c) there for the same reason as the girls.)
The first few days came to pass and the students found the subject to their distaste. It was too hard, too complicated, too challenging for their brain capacity but they hoped and prayed that by the good graces of Math Teacher's stunning good looks they would be victorious. But with all the good graces and favors the kind-hearted they were given it is to their misfortune that they were not.
But Math teacher was not discouraged. Among the things that came with his ravishing physical appearance was his kind, patient and tolerant character (could this man get any better?) and although the students' brains iced over at the tiresome subject he was sure that they would get it. He was sure that they would in the end realize the beauty of mathematics just as he had as a student. He was sure he could stop those brains from freezing. He was so sure. He was, after all, a genius – surely there was a way? And so he thought and thought and thought of ways to help his message get through in his lectures. And as all geniuses go all that thinking had led to a solution. It was fool proof, he thought. He couldn't wait for the next day when he could try his plan out! He was so excited that the feeling practically oozed out of his perfect, blemish-free skin. His wonderfully blue eyes shone with a fevered passion and there was an unmistakable spring to his every step! Everyone who saw him (which meant everyone) anticipated for the next day as well. What could he be planning that could make him so extra special beautiful?
The next day came and all assembled to the supposed meeting place – in the church basement where it was cavernous enough to fit everyone in with ease. The pews from upstairs were all brought down there and lined up to face a podium in the front. By this time everyone was anxious and the tension in that yawning space crackled as they waited for Math Teacher to arrive. And he did. He arrived – grandiosely like a savior from heaven. He descended the stairs, the light from above shining on him in an unearthly way. Everyone stared at him cross the room to the podium, his footsteps echoing in his wake. Finally, everyone thought. We can begin!
Math Teacher had decided that the only way that everyone could truly see the beauty of Mathematics was by spending a 24 hour session of back to back to back Mathematics. Nobody was allowed to leave, his voice ominously announced to the audience. He made his point clear by locking the only exit with a huge pad lock and dropping the key in the unknown region that was his pants. If anyone wanted to pee, he continued, there were jars aligned near the wall behind the strategically placed curtains. Horrified, as they were supposed to be, nonetheless most of the students had most of their minds on the key and how they wished that they could follow it inside as well. Since nobody had objected Math Teacher took their silence as assent and thus began. All was unusually well for the first hour or two. Everyone was starting to get how all the processes meshed and mingled together to give you the of value of x over y in a 22:38 ratio of 34 of the assumed value times itself by four times. But when the bells chimed on the third hour of the day, things went wrong.
For you see, too much Mathematics was hard on the brain – as everyone knew. But still Math Teacher could not help the horrified expression mar his handsome face when all the students could no longer bear any more numerical equations and their brains had malfunctioned to a horrendous degree. Their brains had melted from the sheer exhaustion and the brain matter gelatinously seeped out of their ears – a grey and red gooey mess. Everyone died that day and became brainless zombies that fed on books and clay. But Math teacher was happy – to a modicum at least – for even though he had killed off everyone and turned them into the living dead, he had accomplished at least one thing. Math Teacher had found a way to stop his students' brains from freezing.
And with a sparkle in his beautiful sadistic blue eyes and a victorious spring in his every step he journeyed on to the next village that would come his way.
Author's Note: DO NOT take this seriously. In case you haven't noticed this is not meant to insult and blaspheme. It is meant to entertain people (who actually have a sense of weird satirical humor similar to the author's) and fill in a tiny part in the deep chasm-like void in the author's sad, pathetic, life.