chapter 11

(faith in friends)

Sage

I was sitting in the school library, listening to music and finishing up my homework, when Dylan came over to me with a smirk on his face. I could see with just one look at him that he knew something important. He looked quite proud of himself too.

I unplugged my ear buds. Laughing, I asked, “Okay. Spill it.”

Dylan casually sat down, smile still on his face. His eyes were teasing. “What are you talking about?”

I rolled my eyes. “Please. It’s so obvious you found something out that you're dying to tell me.”

He shrugged. “It’s more of a theory.”

“Oooh, a theory? Pray tell!” I said, sarcastically in a proper voice.

His blue eyes slowly looked into mine. There was something intense behind them, less joking than his usual self. “Remember yesterday?”

I wasn’t sure where he was going with this. I thought of yesterday, all the events that had taken place. Jake and I had slept together, Dylan had come over, and we had hung out with my dad. I shrugged. “I guess I do.”

“Well, remember how you sort of walked out of the bathroom and bumped into me?”

I nodded, still not sure where this conversation was leading to.

Dylan smiled knowingly. “The whole Celeste lesbian scandal came out in that exact girl’s room, right after that class exchange.”

I shrugged. “So?”

“So, what could this mean?” Dylan raised his eyebrows at me in mock questioning.

I shook my head. “If you're trying to say I’m the Mystery Out–”

“I never said that.”

Frowning, I glared at him. “You certainly seem to be insinuating it.”

He shrugged, nonchalant. A teasing smile formed on his face. “Maybe I am. It doesn’t really matter, I guess. It’s just a curious thing, that’s all.”

Seeing that he wasn’t really interested in whether his theory was true or not, I played along with his game. I smiled back. “You’re right... that’s pretty curious.”

Dylan laughed, knowing that we had shared a secret without saying a word. He immediately changed the subject, confirming my suspicions that he honestly didn’t care about whether or not I was the Mystery Outer. “So when’s the next movie night at the Henderson’s? I think your dad likes me.”

I grinned. “My dad isn’t exactly the best judge of character.”

“True, seeing as he thinks Eminem is the next messiah.”

We both laughed as I got up. Dylan picked up my books and handed them to me. My hand brushed his as I took them. A couple of weeks ago, I would have probably washed my hands a thousand times just from touching the guy. Now, I felt guilty that I’d thought so badly of him.

Dylan walked with me towards my locker, joking with me. When we finally stopped at my locker, he stood awkwardly in front of me. We both were silent for a couple seconds, until I couldn’t take the quiet.

“There’s something else you wanted to say, isn’t there?” My voice cut through whatever was keeping the two of us in mute mode.

I’d never before seen Dylan Evans look so uncomfortable. He shifted his weight and his hands once again jingled his keys in his pockets. No, it wasn’t that Dylan was uncomfortable. This was the first time I’d seen Dylan Evans so vulnerable.

Dylan’s eyes slowly looked at mine, as if he was afraid to gaze too long. “This isn’t easy for me to say, but...Look, I’m just really glad you were there for me yesterday. I know I’m not exactly the most easy guy to be around– but you’ve never been rude to me. I was in a real bad place yesterday, and you really... Well, you made me stop myself from going back to my old ways.”

“Dylan–” I started.

He placed a hand on my shoulder. “I was so upset yesterday about the whole CA thing. When I’m upset, I just feel a need to be numb. I really wanted to find some of my old stash. When I showed up on your doorstep, you could’ve just shut it in my face, but you were really good to me.”

I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? I hadn’t even realized Dylan had been thinking about using last night. I’d been distracted by my own problems. Problems involving Jake. This was not the first time I’d failed to notice a friend who needed me because of my own ignorant problems.

“I didn’t realize–”

Dylan interrupted me again. “I know. You probably didn’t even know that was on my mind. But still, knowing or unknowing, you helped me. Just accept my thanks.”

I smiled, and found myself pulling him into a hug. As I’ve said before, Dylan had this way of making me care. All the shields I’d put up, Dylan was able to break them. Some how I got the feeling I did the same for him.

When Dylan walked away, I turned back to my locker. A person started laughing behind me, and my heart beat at a quick pace for a moment. “That right there? Seriously picture worthy.”

Pissed off at whoever it was, I swung around to yell at the person in question.

Todd laughed even harder when he saw my face. “Please, don’t....” He started laughing once again, unable to finish his sentence.

“What’s so funny?” I asked him.

“Nothing,” he shrugged and continued to smile. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say that something was going on between the two of you.”

I glared at him. “But you do know better.”

He nodded. “Right. You got Jake and Dylan has his dead girlfriend.”

My eyebrows shot up in shock. “What did you just say?”

Todd rolled his eyes. “I thought you would be surprised to hear about that.”

Suddenly Todd’s mysterious behavior was getting really annoying. At first I’d thought it just part of his personality, but not I was starting to think he got a kick out of always knowing something before me. How the heck was he finding out about everyone?

“Look, Todd,” I said, anger evident in my voice. “I really don’t need your melodramatic bullshit. Just tell me what you're talking about with Dylan.”

Todd was silent for a moment. He seemed to be assessing how angry I was, if he really should tell me or not. After a couple seconds, he nodded, almost to himself.. “You already know about Dylan’s bad boy days. He’s been cleaning up his act ever since about six months ago, when his girlfriend, Holly died. He gave some cocaine to her, and she overdosed.”

“Don’t think he’s doing all this because he loved her. Because he didn’t. That may be part of the reason why he hates himself so much. Because he knew Holly loved him. He used her for that. He was the one who supplied her, led her on, and let her go down the path that caused her death. He cleaned up his act because of his guilt. Not just of her death, but that she died being used by someone who never loved her.”

I took in a deep breath, feeling like maybe I couldn’t release it. This explained so much about Dylan. Even hearing this, I still felt sympathetic to him. I still felt like I needed help him. He needed someone. And for Dylan, that someone was me.

Remembering where I was and who I was talking to, I suddenly felt myself push Todd. “Don’t you dare tell the school about this!”

Todd looked shocked, but not quite surprised either. He nodded, as if he agreed with me. “He’s got too much at stake for me to go telling everyone about his secret.”

“Thank you.” I didn’t know why I was thanking Todd. Maybe it was because I felt responsible for ensuring Dylan’s stability, just like I did with Jake.

Todd smiled at me. “We’ve all got our secrets. Some have to be kept.”

Hearing him say that made me wonder once again about those Oxycodone pills. Was he talking about his own secrets? It was funny that the one person who wanted so badly for everyone to know each other’s secrets was covering his own with just as much effort.

Jake

There was one question I asked myself as I turned on the water hose in my garage. It was a question I always asked whenever I got put into a situation that had to do with Nate. What the fuck am I doing here?

“Hey, Jakey! Hurry up with the water! We can’t be waiting all day!” Nate yelled at me from the side of his car.

I spilled a little bit of the water in the two buckets as I tried to walk swiftly to where Nate and Sage were waiting. I cursed to myself. How had Sage convinced me to help Nate wash his car?

Sage laughed as she saw my look of utter discomfort. “Oh, lighten up.”

As I took in the tank top and shorts she wore with a bikini underneath, I understood suddenly how I’d ended up here. But honestly, how could I turn down a chance to watch a girl wash a car? In their bikini, no less. That’s on every straight guy’s top ten wish list.

“So, have you heard from Dawn?” I asked, thinking of how we hadn’t heard from her for almost three days now.

Sage’s smile faded away. “No. I’ve tried calling her cell and she doesn’t pick up. I stopped by her house, but her mom said Dawn wanted some space right now.”

“Yeah. I guess space is what she needs.”

A bucket of water got poured over both our heads. Nate smirked from above us, bucket in his hands. “You two need to stop being Daisy Downers.”

I smiled furiously back, my future actions already set in my eyes. Nate’s smile fell and he started shaking his head defensively. “I was just trying to lighten the mood.”

I picked up the sponge in my bucket and slapped it across his face. Then I got up and ran. If there was anything I’d learned about being a younger sibling, it was that when you attacked your older sibling, they weren’t going to just let you get away with it. No, they were going to attack you double what you did.

Sage laughed as Nate towered after me at full speed.

He attacked me in the grass, causing me to slide and get a little bit of burn from the impact. His arms found their way around my neck and he put me in a head lock. Ugh. I hated when he did this.

Ice cold water splashed onto the two of us, nonstop. Sage held the hose in her hands, shaking her head. She smiled as the two of us stared at her with furious looks. “You two stop. We all know how this can escalate.”

Nate let me out of the head lock and stood up. “You’re right. Let’s just wash the car.”

Of course Nate immediately did as he was told. Stupid golden boy. He made everyone so fucking happy, it pissed me off.

When Sage went inside her house to talk to her dad about something, Nate grabbed my arm.

I looked at him. “What?”

His face wasn’t joking anymore, but very protective and serious. His green eyes stared intensely into my own. “I never thought I’d have to say this to you of all people, but I guess it’s come to it.”

I smirked. “What are you talking about?”

“Look, I know that you and Sage have some thing going on. I don’t know who else has picked up on it, but I have. I already know Sage is head over heels for you, so just go ahead and tell her how you feel.”

I laughed nervously at Nate’s assumptions. I avoided his gaze. “I don’t know what your talking about. Sage and I don’t have a thing. I mean, you know I used to like her and all... But she doesn’t like me that way.”

Nate rolled his eyes. “You guys belong on some teenage high school drama. Just admit you guys like each other and bang already.”

My eyes widened. He didn’t even know we’d skipped the whole feelings thing and went right to the “bang.” “Sage and I don’t think—”

“You do. Sage does. So stop this fucking denial and just say it. If not, then stop stringing Sage along and tell her whatever the real truth is. If you like her, tell her. If you don’t, tell her.” Nate’s tone was almost threatening. I realized then that he was not on my side of this at all.

“Why do you want me to tell her so badly?” I asked.

“Because the longer this whole not knowing thing goes on, the more it’s just going to hurt her. So let her know. It’s better that way.”

“I can’t...I’m–-” I started.

“Afraid?” Nate finished for me. “Look, I’m not doing this for you. God knows you don’t even deserve someone like Sage. But she’s like a sister to me, and if you keep letting this go on–-”

“What?” I laughed hysterically. “Are you gonna beat me up? Your real brother? Just because you and I had a falling out, doesn’t mean blood doesn’t come first.”

This time Nate laughed. “A falling out? Are you fucking kidding me, Jay? You stole my money... you sold my fucking laptop for college–- that you knew I’d worked throughout high school for. I covered your ass by saying it got stolen. I was the one who took the blame. So stop making everything about you. I’ve had enough of your pity party.”

I got silent. This was my brother. The friggin’ martyr. He found ways to just piss me off in more ways than one. Sure, he’d covered my ass. But it all got found out anyway, hadn’t it? My parents knew I’d stole his stuff for coke now.

Nate finally broke the silence, calm now. “I really think that you and Sage need to have a talk. Just tell her how you feel, okay? She deserves that much.”

“Do...Do you really think she likes me?” I whispered, sounding like a child who’d been scolded by a parent.

“I’m positive, Jakey.” Nate set down the sponge in his hand and went inside.

I stood there for a couple minutes until Sage came back out. I didn’t look at her. I couldn’t, not after that talk with Nate. I knew he was right. There was some things Sage and I needed to talk about. Things we’d been purposely avoiding.

“Where’s Nate?”

I continued to stare at the ground. “He had to help my mom with something.”

“He’s a good guy,” Sage said quietly.

My eyes traveled to hers. “I know. That’s why I hate him.”

She angled her head, as if I looked odd. There was no shock on her face. It was as if she knew I’d say something along those lines. She just stared back at me. “You don’t really mean that.”

“Maybe I do,” I replied, still looking at her.

“I know you, Jake. The only person you hate is yourself,” Sage replied with a smile.

I laughed. “I’m one fucked up guy, aren’t I?”

“It’s okay. I forgive you.”

A smirk formed on my face. If there was ever a moment to tell her, the moment would be right now. I had to say what I’d been thinking lately. “Have you ever thought that you and I should go out?”

An expression of surprise flashed on her face, but disappeared just as quickly. “Yeah...I’ve thought about it a lot more than you’d think.”

I stepped closer to her. “How often?”

Sage shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Why are you being so weird?”

“Because, you’re my best friend. And I like you.”

I leaned forward and kissed her, really kissing her. The way I’d always wanted to, but had been too afraid to do. And she responded—for a moment.

Sage pulled back. “No.”

I felt the heat rise to my face. “No?”

Sage

As Jake stared at me, looking totally and utterly confused, I reminded myself of what Dylan had said.“If you can’t say those three words to him because your afraid, then maybe you can tell him through your actions.” I couldn’t keep on doing physical things with Jake. He needed to know that it meant something different for me.

“I think we should stop this.”

Jake shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“You and me. I can’t do these—these things with you anymore. I can’t sneak out of your room in the morning, or kiss you behind everyone’s backs. I’m not having sex with you anymore. I just can’t.”

“So...You don’t want to be with me?” Jake didn’t look at me.

“Not like this, I don’t.”

There was silence for a long time. I wasn’t sure why we both were acting the way we were, but I knew we both didn’t know what to say. What did I just do? Had I just ruined a sixteen year old friendship?

Jake looked up at me then, nodding. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

He smiled painfully. “Yeah, it’s fine. I knew this couldn’t go on forever.”

“I mean, we’re still best friends, right? You don’t care—?”

“God, no. Do you really think I wouldn’t want to hang out with you anymore?”

Jake pulled me close to him and hugged me. I don’t know how long we stood on his lawn, just embracing each other. I think it was because we both knew that we were letting go of something we both had considered an important part of our relation ship, in some warped way. It couldn’t be like this with us anymore. We both knew that. We couldn’t be both best friends and sex partners.

Once we let go, I rushed toward my house to get inside. I couldn’t let him see how much emotion I’d put into what we’d been doing. He had to like me the way I liked him in order for this to work. It just had to be that way.

Opening the front door, I stepped inside and closed it quickly. I leaned against it briefly, closing my eyes. This was something that we both had needed to end a long time ago. We were so late in ending it.

I pulled out my cell phone from my pocket as I walked up the stairs to my room. Dialing the number Dylan had given me while he’d been over yesterday, I waited expectantly.

“Hello?”

“Dylan?” I smiled at the sound of his voice, even though I didn’t want to.

“Hey, Sage. What’s up? You sound upset, are you okay?” I pictured Dylan’s serious, concerned look on the other line.

“I finally did it,” I told him in a hush tone.

“Did what?”

“He kissed me, and I kissed him too...but then I remembered what you said, about how I need to stop doing this with him until we’re in a relationship.”

Dylan was quiet, pensive. “How did he take it?”

“Fine. I don’t think it bothered him that much. I mean, he told me I was his friend and he liked me...but I need more than that.”

“Are you sure he wasn’t trying to say that he liked you, liked you?”

I replayed the moment with Jake in my head. Could he have meant that he actually liked me when he’d said that? I’d assumed he meant he liked me the way you would a best friend. Jake didn’t like me. We’d cleared that up a long time ago, when we’d first established our physical relationship.

Shaking my head, I replied, “No. He probably doesn’t even realize I like him still. I didn’t exactly flat out say it. I couldn’t. I just said I didn’t feel comfortable doing things behind everyone’s back.”

“That’s good enough. He’ll realize why you did it soon enough. I’m positive that he’s going to be thinking about you a lot more now that you guys aren’t having sex,” Dylan said.

I nodded, even though I knew Dylan couldn’t see me.

Dylan was silent once again for a while. “You really love this guy, don’t you?”

I looked over at Jake’s house through my window. “Yeah, I do.”

Jake

This wasn’t happening. I had not just told Sage I liked her, and she had not just ended our intimate relationship. I hadn’t even meant it. I mean, I didn’t like Sage anymore. I didn’t. Why had I told her that?

Nate.

He’d told me that she liked me back. He had lied to me. Why the hell had he done that? Did he know that Sage and I had been having sex with each other for the past year?

“She’s like a sister to me.”

Of course he’d do that. He wouldn’t want Sage having sex with me, now would he? Why the hell did he hate me so much? I was his brother, for fuck sake.

My cell phone started ringing. I picked up, still angry. “Who the hell is it?”

“Jake?” Dawn’s voice sounded weak, so unlike her own.

“Dawn? Where have you been? Sage and I–-” I stopped for a second after hearing myself say her name. “Sage and I have been worried sick. Same with Craig and Megan.”

Saying their names aloud, I thought again of what I had witnessed in the plaza. I still had that dilemma to deal with. To tell, or not to tell?

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Dawn gave a pathetic giggle.

“So, how are you holding up?” I asked, casually.

“Oh, not too bad, I suppose. I just found out that Mr. Johnson is married.”

“What?” I couldn’t keep the shock out of my voice.

Dawn tried to make another confident laugh, but instead I heard a sniffle and a gasp. “Yeah, I was pretty surprised too. He told me he wasn’t married.”

I looked at my hands, as if they would have the response Dawn needed from me. Why was she calling me about this? Why not Sage? Sage was good with this emotional stuff. I didn’t even know how to keep myself stable sometimes, how was I supposed to help a friend?

“Asshole.” It was the only thing I could think to say. I knew it probably was already what Dawn had heard once or twice already about the guy, but it was my first thought at the news of his marriage.

“I guess I seem to have a thing for them, huh? Maybe I should hook up with Dylan Evans next...” Dawn laughed again, this time a little more confidently.

I gave her a sympathetic laugh, if only to relieve the awkwardness of the whole conversation. I was silent, knowing that nothing I could say would truly make her feel better. Dawn knew what her situation was, and how much it sucked. She didn’t need me confirming it any further.

“I just don’t know how to go back to school,” she whispered into the phone.

We both stayed on the phone, enjoying the quiet. I let what she said hang in the air. Sometimes it helped me to just have someone listen. Instead of commenting and giving advice, it was nice to have someone who just let you speak your mind. Regardless of how right you were, the person knew that what you needed was just a listening ear.

“...it just hurts. Knowing that I really loved someone, and they didn’t give a fuck about me.”

I knew how that was. And it wasn’t my relationship with Sage or Gina that I was referring to. It was my relationship with coke. I had loved it to the core of my being. I could hardly go a day without it being in my system. But had coke loved me back? Had coke picked me up in the middle of night when I passed out in a random person’s house? No. Coke had fucked me over. It made me lose a whole year of my life, going through my addiction and trying to recover from it.

Dawn stayed on the line, just sniffing. I knew she was probably crying as she held the phone to her ear. But I knew what she wanted. She didn’t want to cry by herself. She wanted someone else to share her pain. And I could do that.

Finally, I decided to say what I had on my mind. “I lost a lot of friends when I came back after that summer.”

She didn’t ask me what summer I was talking about, it wasn’t a secret.

“I had embarrassed myself in front of practically half the high school body, and I wasn’t feeling like the most perfect person. My mistakes weren’t something you could just apologize for, and no body wanted the apologies anyways. But you know what? I still had four friends I could count on. You guys had my back. Don’t ever think that I’ve forgotten that. You still have your real friends.”

Dawn was quiet still, and I was afraid maybe all that silence we’d shared had been because she had fallen asleep. But after a moment, she spoke. “I knew you’d understand me better than anyone right now. I couldn’t call Sage about this. You’ve been through a lot, and I trust that.”

“Thanks for calling me.”I smiled, because I was truly happy she had called me out of everyone in our circle of friends.

“Thanks for answering and listening.”

She hung up, and I looked through my window. I could see the light still on in Sage’s house. I wondered for a second what she was thinking at that exact moment. What made her decide to stop everything with us?

My heart is pounding so fast in my chest, and my breathing is almost panicked. I’m trying not to freak out, but I can’t help myself. The whole ride to school is one long roller coaster.

Sage is in the passenger seat beside me. She can see the look of total anxiety on my face, and touched my hand on the steering wheel. “You are going to be okay.”

“I don’t think you realize, Sage. These people hate me. They think I’m a lunatic.” I take a quick glance at her, and I can’t help but appreciate how beautiful she is. She doesn’t even realize it either. It makes her ten times more beautiful. The way her hair is always falling into her face and she pushes it behind her ear, although it will fall back a couple minutes later. The way she smiles when I look at her just a second too long, and she asks me, “What?” There was so much that makes me love Sage.

“Are those people the ones who visited you in rehab?” She asks.

I shake my head.

“Do they know how painful going cold turkey is?”

I shake my head again.

“Then they can just go fuck themselves.”

I look at her when she says this, not used to her saying such vulgar language. She wasn’t the type to get very upset with people. Her words tell me more than they seem on the surface.

She cares. Not about the people at school, but about me.

Once we pull into the parking lot and park, I feel my palms sweating. I know that I shouldn’t care what those people think, but I do. Even if Sage is willing to disregard everyone for me, I still want to be accepted.

“Give me your hand.”

I hold out my right hand towards her and she grabs it. Without saying a word, she kisses it. Then she continues to leave a trail of kisses up my arm, causing a slight tingle. When she gets up to the top of it, she smiles. She pulls out a blue guitar pick from her jean skirt pocket. She places it into my hand. I look down at it, and see that it has JT in silver lettering on it.

“Loosin’ up,” she says and opens the passenger side door. She gets out and turns towards me, still in the car. “You are going to be a rock star someday. You're perfect.”

I’m so shocked by her behavior that I don’t even feel quite as nervous about my first day back to school since rehab. I hold tight on to that guitar pick for the rest of the day, and keep it in my pocket everywhere I go.

It gives me faith that everything will work out in the end.

A/n: So...it's been a while. I've went through some changes in my life since the last time I updated. I graduated from high school. Sorry for the long hiatus. I hate when people don't update their stories periodically. It's never fun. I'm back on track with this story, so I'm going to get back into the habit of updating reliably.

Thanks to ATypicalAquarius, todrownandburn, .watching, xDayDreamer., Mae Liz, Faith Adeline, andee lee, Intially loaded, Lizzie Black, paintthewords, aRUSHtotheheadlikebRainFReeze, Keely Jade, & somedaymydreamswillcome! Reviews really encourage me! Thanks so much!