A/N: I sincerely hope that this helps someone, though I don’t know how it would. :D It’s mostly a true experience for me and it’s still very emotional for me. I’m not good at present tense, and I usually don't like writing it, so I’m sorry if I mess up occasionally.

Excuses.

Why do I feel so alone in this crowded room? I mean, really, the room isn’t that big, and there are people all around me. Daddy’s sitting not three inches away from me, leaning back in the pew looking so at ease that I almost want to push him out into the floor.

I ask myself—not for the first time, and I doubt it’ll be the last—why I couldn’t just be in the church I was use to. I could pull out my notebook and write some poems, or turn to Chelsea and whisper about something completely random. But Chelsea’s not here, and Mammaw Pam isn’t here to give me gum, and there’s not one to five kids crying about something or other. There is only me, my dad, and this crowded silent room. No one is even shouting out praises at the top of there lungs, or quiet old women holding their hands up, saying things like, “Yes Lord.” That would comfort me and put me at ease, but here… it’s too silent. That place I really would rather be is just an hour away, but still way too far.

“Josh, I know you don’t have your parents. Things have happened to you, that shouldn’t have,” The preacher speaks into the microphone to a boy my age, who looks like he’s about to cry. I feel for him. “Your father was not present in your life. God is here, he’ll be all the father you ever need. He loves you, and will never leave you.” Josh just about cries, as far as I can tell from the position I’m at, and hugs the preacher.

I have to bite my lip from crying myself. I force myself not to look at my own father, that had been absent from my life for the last year. He acts like it was just like the couple of months or so he usually goes without seeing me. It’s not. Definitely not. I missed my little sisters’ birthdays twice, all the time my little sister Starr was five, and when my other little sister, Sam, was twelve. I remember my time being twelve was so hard for me. I couldn’t even be there for her as her big sister. She probably didn’t have anyone to talk to.

I am very familiar with church, having been going off and on since birth. I know about a lot of things. I don’t really follow a lot of it, because I go by what I think is right. I cuss, and when the moment presents itself I drink. I really want to have sex, but I hadn’t got a chance to. I smoke, and even one of my best friends is gay. But at the same time I never do anything if I think it’ll hurt someone. I love every single person on the planet, and would give my life for anyone. But I knew that still, I was going to hell. I had never given myself over to the Lord. I just… I thought too much. Every time, I just knew I would just go back to what I usually do.

I am not unfamiliar with this church. I have been here many times before. My eyes wonder to different shapes, just to keep my eyes off the preacher, who was going up to random people. I pretend to pay attention a little, but also try to become as small as possible. I do not want him coming over to me. No doubt I would start crying as soon as he began speaking to me.

I lean against Daddy, trying to make it seem like I am tired, not needing him to hug me so bad it’s almost a physical pain. I know what’s happening to me. It hurts even more to know and try to stop it. I’m not stupid enough to fake some excuses. Jesus, the Lord, whatever people call him, is “calling on” me. It’s basically a chance to say “Hey, can you save me and forgive my sins?” to the lord. I find that I can’t. I just… can’t.

I don’t know this place.

Excuse.

I would rather my mom be here with me.

Excuse; Mom hasn’t been to church in years.

What will they think of me?

Excuse; they’re Christians, they will be proud of you, you stupid girl.

Joan, my stepmother, will be ashamed that I lead her on to thinking I was saved.

Excuse; you have never said anything to make her think that at all.

I’ll just go back to how I am. It’ll be useless.

Excuse; you will never know if you don’t try.

At this point I push my fingernails into the palm of my hand, and bite my lip to keep from crying. I stop leaning into Daddy; it’ll only be harder to keep a straight face. I hate the fact I can’t lie to myself like other people. It’s always been a fucking irritating cause of my teen angst.

“Someone over here is being tormented,” The preached says, coming over to the half of the pews I’m on. He looks around, but I know on the outside I’m looking normal, if a little tired, “Let it go, and come to the Lord.” I try my best to keep looking at him normally, even though I want to burst into tears.

I know I won’t do anything.

Good, no more excuses. If you are going to turn away from this chance, then take it like a respectable person. Accept what you are doing, and live with the consequences.

Sometimes I hate myself. The only one I really dislike nowadays.

As the preacher steps away, shaking his head as if he if he is disappointed with whoever—me—didn’t come to the Lord, Joan sits beside me on my other side. She doesn’t say anything, because she’s listening to the preacher, but I ease a little bit now that she is here instead of teaching the little children in children’s church.

“Please everyone bow your heads, and then I’ll let you go.” I almost let out a relieved sigh. “No one will know, and this is completely private.” I wince with my eyes closed. I know what he is doing, and I do not like it, or agree with it. “If you have not given your heart to the lord, please raise your hands.”

I have never done this. Never. My mom had done it once, and she and my aunt were pointed out and then prayed with. I thought it was completely unfair. I never liked it, and all the times it had happened to me, I never raised my hand. This time is no different. I get mad a little.

Private my ass, Daddy and Joan will know if I move, they are sitting that close. What is the preacher going to do? Keep a tally then after church take the people in another room. No. I really thought it was unfair.

And then church was over, we were going back to Daddy’s house.

I did not raise my hand.

I did not take a chance.

No excuses.

A/N: Hey there! I'm here with a Fiction... kinda. lol. :D Hope you like it. There's only one person in this who actually has their real name down, cause I didn't feel like changing it. lol. Um, please don't try to preach to me. I know exactly what I did, so nothing that people say will change my mind. And I usually automatically, like a reflex, reject something if I feel someone's pushing something on me. XD Sorry about that. :D I just hope people like it.

Hearts! :D

P.S. It's my 18th birthday today. :D Happy Birthday to me!