1

Olivia- (explaining Wicked) And the school is called C.H.I.Z. It stands for something but I can’t remember what it-

Me- (interrupts her) Children Humping Icy Zebras!!

Olivia- That was…random…

Me- No! See C.H.I.Z. Children Humping Icy Zebras!!

Olivia- (laughs hysterically)

2

Jake- Dude something’s happening today!!

Me- What?

Jake- I can’t remember

Me- (talking like a pirate) Garrr!! Then we must begin the Untold Mission!!

Jake- Garr the mission!

30 minutes later…

Jake- (answers door) Do you know what the mission is?

U.P.S. Guy- What mission?

Me- The Untold Mission!

U.P.S. Guy- Just sign here

Jake- (opens package) oh yeah! My guitar came in today!

Me- Why is it called Mission?

Jake- Weird…

3

Evan- What’s the difference between Pat’s hair and a pizza?

Ashley- I have no clue

Evan- A pizza doesn’t scream when it goes in the oven but Pat’s hair does cuz’ it’s a Jew fro!

Everyone- (laughs)

Pat- That makes no fucking sense!

Me- It doesn’t have to.

4

Josh- (using a heavy metal voice) We’re gonna make Apocalypse Ponies!

Me- Why?

Josh- Cuz’ we’re fucking brutal!

5

Tori D. - I swear one day Erin’s going to come to your house wearing tittie tassels!

Tori L.-What are those?

Tori D.- They’re these tassel thingies you put on your nipples and you spin them around

Tori L.- Why would you want those?

Tori D.- Why wouldn’t you?

6

Me- I wanna raise giant chickens! You know…like Chickzilla!

Ashley- Dude that sounds like a porno!

Me- What?

Ashley- Yeah it’s like giant girls and these little guys and they take the guys and…never mind

Me- (stares blankly)

7

Julio- Pat Mrs.D’s about to cut them off…you know…split some wood.

8

Julio- (talking about the days until a girl’s period) It’s the cunt countdown! Yay!

9

Mrs. Jolly- Une tete

Pat- Une testicle!

Mrs. Jolly- l’oreille

Pat- La oral!

Mrs. Jolly- Le pied

Pat- le penis!

10

Colin- Woot! Funyuns! They’re French whore flavored!

Me- Like me!

Colin- No…the good tasting kind.

11

Ashley- I still can’t believe Fonzy shaves his ass!

Me- I know right!

Ashley- Oh my God I got it! You know how Fonzy’s a cop? He shaves his ass cuz’ he’s actually a stripper cop!

Me- NO! NO! I don’t want to think of someone that I consider a brother being a stripper!

Ashley- He probably has ass tassles!

Me- SHUT UP!

12

Me- I have pants rabbits!

Mrs. W- That’s not something you should go around telling people

Me- Why what does it mean?

Mrs. W- It’s when you have bed bugs or crabs

Me- I have pants rabbits!

Mrs. W- Don’t sit near or talk to Erin!

13

Justin- Okay so I have a really funny sex joke. So little Johnny was jacking off…

Mr. Clark- (Not hearing their conversation and talking to someone else) We all do that

Ashley & Justin- (start laughing)

Mr. Clark- (talking about how weird they are) Especially Ashley

Ashley- (Still talking about jacking off) All the time!

14

Lanie- What do you want me to do Mrs. D? Pull the paper out of my ass?

Erica- That’d be one bad paper cut.

15

Tori D.- (While being bored in English class) Oh my God! Let’s call 1-800-pee-on-me and have Tori listen to it! (dials phone) HEY TORI! Come listen to this!

Tori L.- (expression turns from smiling to horrified) What is that?

Tori D.- 1-800-pee-on-me!

16

Pat- Hey…we should find a way to piss Rachel off! Dude…is there an asian sex hotline?

Me- Well…1-800-asian-sex is too long…

Tori D.- But Asia sex works! (dials phone) Holy shit it’s actually a hotline!

Pat- (re-dials) HEY RACHEL!! DOES THIS SOUND LIKE YOUR MOTHER?

17

Me- (making fun of scene kids) OMG did you guys see R-Kelley on T.V. last night? I cut my wrists while I listened to his music!

Brian O- OMG I love R. Kelley! I just wish he’d be on my titties!! I’d have the richest tits in Massachusetts!

18

Mr. R- Now don’t cheat on your test or I’ll have to rip it up all in your grill!

19

Ken- (really high) You guys…I’d like you to meet my fiancé Christine.

Me- Dude…that’s a cinnamon bun

Ken- You guys are so judgmental! You’re never happy for me!

Jake- (throws “Christine” out the window)

Ken- YOU BASTARD!! YOU FUCKING MURDERER!! (starts crying) CHRISTINE!! I LOVE YOU BABY!!

Me- should we just leave him here?

Jake- Yeah

Ken- I HATE YOU GUYS!

20

Mrs. Jolly- And today we’re going to play slap and grab.

Ashley- Man…I already played that last night!