21

Julio- Sexy and Pat don’t go together.

Mrs. D- You got that right.

22

Jared- I like Dick’s!

Me- What?

Jared- The sporting good’s store!!

23

Pat- Why do you guys always make fun of my dad?

Pat D- Well just think, when you go home just give him a big hug. I’d hug my dad but my arms won’t fit around his coffin.

Me- OH MY GOD PAT!

24

Me- Hey Pat, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Pat- Let a giant Russian man have his way with me.

25

Pat- So I was at the store with my mom and I bought three 12 packs of Klondike bars so I said ‘Woot, 36 Russian men!’ Then my mom looked at me weird.

26

Josh- Is it a bad thing if you start texting people while you’re having sex with someone?

Me- Yes! That’s so rude!

Josh- I’m a terrible person then.

27

Mrs. Godwin- (telling us our parts for the play) And you’ll be the grandma.

Me- (looking around) isn’t it a little awkward if we’re all white and our grandma’s black (looks at Erin O) No offense

28

Me- You know what I just realized?

Evan- What?

Me- My part fits me perfectly

Evan- Yup, you’re the bi-polar chick obsessed with her dog

29

Evan- I’m ready guys! (Walks out wearing a navy blue polo, a light blue sweater tied around his shoulders, and short plaid shorts.)

Kenny- I knew he was gay!

Mrs. Godwin- You were only supposed to be preppy…well this works.

Me- (Falls down laughing)

30

Ashley- Erin I got to go. Thunderstorm and I don’t want my ear to get blown off like Shelly’s dad.

Me- What?

Ashley- Yeah he lost it in a car accident

Me- Oh, I thought he lost it talking on the phone!

31

Kenny- (After lights go out on stage) Oh no I can’t see Gabe!

Evan- Smile Gabe so we can see you!

Gabe- (Runs down the aisle and jumps onto the stage)

Me- Holy shit! I think I just shit my pants!

32

Pat D- Where’s my bottle? Oh Julio has it

Julio- (Sarcastically) I was keeping it in my shoe…are you sure you want it back?

Me- Why would you put it in your shoe?

Julio- (laughs) I swear beneath all the black and pink you’re a true blond.

33

Me- Paaaaaaaatrick

Pat- What?

Me- Paaaaaaaatrick!

Pat- What?

Me- PAAAAAAATRICK!

Pat- WHAT DO YOU WANT WOMAN?

Me- We’re on a bridge Pat!

Pat- We’re not on a fucking bridge and if you do that one more time I’m going to drill a hole into your skull, fuck it, then pour sulfuric acid into it!

34

Christian Guy- Have you accepted Jesus into your life?

Me- No

Christian Guy- That’s a sin!

Me- I’m Jewish (not really)

Christian Guy- Jesus Killer!

Ashley- Hey man leave her alone! Think about what you say cuz’ one day she’ll be you’re lawyer…and you won’t win your case

35

Julio- (pinches my sides so I jump)

Me- Ow! Dude I just pelvic thrusted the table and hit my elbow!

Ashley- Wow pelvic thrusting really is dangerous

36

My mom- What about these sandals?

Me- Ew no! Those are dyke sandals!

37

Brian H- So Erin, how does it feel to have to pay your friends?

Me- Fuck you

38

Mike- Hey do you have 50 cents?

Me- Well let me go talk to Pat then I’ll have 50 cents if you know what I mean.

Brian H- Ew you’d do Pat for that cheap?

39

Josh- (While we’re talking about getting into fights) Do you know what I really want to do? I want to break someone’s jaw then hold it in place and make them give me a blow job just to degrade them further.

40

Me and Olivia- (While singing because we have to pee) We have bodily fluids running through us but we won’t allow it to come out because we have pantaloons!

Olivia- Wait…I’m wearing a skirt

Me- Then stop singing! Wait…you’re wearing underwear right?

Olivia- Of course! I think…