Warning: Language, slight sarcasm, rude comments and remarks.

I do realize that I may be offending anyone who is reading this, and you have the right to flame me. You might be a crappy writer as described in here. Who knows. Take it as a compliment, then, that I’m indirectly helping you improve.

Edited by -deception on FanFiction. Her link is on my page. She also added a couple sentences here and there while she edited, and graciously added the Mary Sue rant (point six). Yeah, you see how she’s speaking as if you’re the shitty writer? That’s how you tell that it’s her and not me. And the intended audience for that is mainly FanFiction writers.

How to Spot a Shitfic From a Mile Away (And To Confirm Your Suspicions)

xpeekaboo

1. At First Glance

Crappy summaries. Things that say “NO FLAMES PLZ”, “bad at summaries but storys good i swear”, and “first fic” are all neon signs pointing at a crappy fic. Professional flamers are always on the lookout for these. And, hell, if you’re stupid enough to put that in your summary, you really do deserve a flame. Don’t you think that the writer would have more common sense? Don’t you think anyone would have more common sense? If you have a limited amount of characters for the summary, wouldn’t you use it wisely?

Grammar in summaries. Even if your eyes just run over the story link, if the title and summary doesn’t have capitalization, or is all caps, then yes, that is a shitfic. If a writer cannot even make a good first impression, why would the second be any better?

2. Just a Skim-Through

Congratulations on clicking the link. It must’ve been a great feat for you. Who would want to read a shitty fic, unless they’re looking for a good laugh?

Now, scroll through the story. Are all the paragraphs only consisted of one line, with a lot of dialogue? Yes? Well, there’s further proof that the fic sucks. The writer is officially incapable to come up with a few measly descriptions. Descriptions really should take up more than one line on FanFiction, and FictionPress, with the default font as Verdana at size nine.

I mean, would you really want to read a story that only has people talking? And, like, walking? “He walked to the fridge and took out some milk. (Insert dialogue here.)” ‘Kay, no. A reader would want to know what the character is feeling, hearing, seeing, and everything else—in detail. A simple sentence doesn’t really cut it, unless you’re able to word things really nicely.

Check for over-usage of exclamation points and question marks. Only one is necessary. If someone screamed incredibly loudly, no, you don’t need infinity x googolplex exclamation points. This is what descriptions are for as well. The writer should describe how loud the person screamed, how it affected others. Similes, metaphors, hyperboles—the whole package.

Chat speak and script format is a big no-no, unless it’s intended. Although I doubt it. Is the writer really too lazy to type ‘what the fuck’ instead of ‘wtf’? Scripts are for plays, or musicals, or whatever. No, not High School Musical. -shudders-

3. Oh, and, Like, BTW…

You know the writer sucks when the author’s note is longer than the fic itself. Really, he/she probably spent more time on that than the actual fic. Be courteous. Read the A/N. If it kills your eyes and rots your brain from the sheer stupidity and boredom of it all, then yes, there’s another sign of a shitty fic.

Author’s notes are supposed to be a short summary of what the writer thinks about the fic, and what he/she would like to tell the readers (which is why you’re actually supposed to read it before you review, asking the questions that were already answered in the note). Disclaimers are definitely there on FanFiction, and maybe the stats of the story. Word count, summary, rating, genres, etc. But other than that, the writer shouldn’t be rambling on about shit that no one cares about.

Oh, speaking of things that no one cares about, while reading the author’s note, were you forced to live through a conversation/scene that included the writer speaking to some character in the story while glomping each other, whining bitchily, and typing little text faces, such as T-T, :3, :D, etc.? Well, then, I pity you. They were probably talking about some yaoi shit that just disgusts most sane people. Honestly, no one cares what the writer and some imaginary person are talking about. It just promotes the fact that they’ve got mental issues, and quite possibly a multiple personality disorder.

What else was there? Oh, random author’s notes in the middle of the fic (this point courteously added by Kenny’s Friend) count as a sign for a shitfic. Like, is the writer unable to refrain him/herself from adding little childish comments here and there? It distracts the reader from what is supposed to be presented, and it’s ugly and unprofessional.

Did you catch something in the note (much like in the summary) that said NO FLAMES? This signifies that the writer is a wuss and can’t handle constructed criticism or flames very well, if at all. They think that they’re the best, and they don’t have to improve because they have all these reviews that say the fic’s amazing (later explained in point five). They probably can’t even tell the difference between constructed criticism and a flame.

Well, ain’t that a surprise.

4. The First Sentence

Okay. “It’s a sunny day,” does not count. Points go to the capitalization and period, and the apostrophe, but that doesn’t mean for certain that the fic’s good. That is a crappy way to begin a story. The writer should start off with something like, “The sun’s illuminating rays tickled the marigolds that were strewn throughout the valley.” Isn’t it that much more appealing than “It’s a sunny day,” at the very least? Or maybe the first sentence should be something that lures you to read the next sentence. And the next. Et cetera.

Here is the part where you should finalize your decision of reading the fic or not. If you are a truly strong, brave soul, go right on ahead. Although I’ve no idea why you want to be strong and brave for a shitfic, I congratulate you for doing something I normally can’t, unless I want to make people feel bad. (1)

If you’re fine with crappy descriptions, simple words, then by all means, charge into the fic head first, and expect the worst. More than often, vivid details are almost crucial for a story to be liked (by sensible people, anyway. More will be explained in the next number). You might even end up liking the plot. Just because that’s good, doesn’t necessarily mean that the person’s a good writer.

If it’s a sappy romance, the most common words in shitty fics are ‘depression’, ‘sadness’, ‘cry’, ‘tears’, ‘love’, etc. Sentences such as ‘He started to feel really sad, and the sadness almost made him want to die,’ are very common. Things like that honestly make me want to puke. Can it really be that crappy? Although I don’t really want the answer to that question, yes, it really can be that crappy. Beware.

Oh, and before I forget. Remember me mentioning before that every line is dialogue? It could be the other way around. The writer is so obsessed with describing anything that it’s sick. Not describing surroundings or scenery, or things that stimulate your senses—but what you do. Yes, I have to admit, it’s important—but holy shit, not to the point where you’re explaining how you dry your hair, or what you wear (and then adding in brackets that if the reader doesn’t like it, they can change it), or…what kind of makeup you put on, for that matter! Unnecessary details absolutely kill the mood of the story! When you read about this one dude waking up nude in bed, and then him arguing with himself about whether he should wear boxers or briefs…Like, we don’t care. Okay?

If you spot a fic like that, for your own good, don’t go any further. You will die before you even get halfway.

5. Lovely Reviewers

Ah, everyone loves those one-liners. If you check the reviews, and all you read are, like, “omg that was sooo good!”, “more plz!!1”, and other things like that, that’s probably the biggest hint that it’s a crappy fic. Being unable to attract sensible reviewers who state what they like and don’t like about the story means that the fic was something that was only able to collect readers who probably suck as much as them. It’s actually recommended to check the reviews first, if you’re unable to detect anything said up until now.

How do you differentiate a good review from a bad one? Well, if it consists of asking for more, or how good it was, it’s probably a bad one. If it says it’s good and gives reasons, then it’s probably a good one. If the reviewer says something he/she didn’t like about the fic, that’s even better.

You see, the number or amount of reviews doesn’t really mean that it’s good. It might have a good plot line, or have a lot of fluff scenes, or whatever, but that doesn’t mean that character development, plot development, or writing quality is good. It just means that…it’s good enough to lure stupid people in. And, the ironic thing is, some of those stupid people might actually be good writers.

Now, isn’t that a shame.

6. Life Ain’t Perfect

Alright, kiddo, I understand that we all want a perfect little life, going to a perfect little school, with perfect friends and family. You want beautiful hair and clothes, and you want to be amazingly talented. That’s great! I do too.

Get real. Like any of that’s really going to happen.

Sweetheart, it’s fine and dandy that you want to make an OC character, but let’s try not to make this character a god, shall we? Mary Sues are just yet another example of an amateur writer. Can anyone really picture some amazingly beautiful girl that keeps on saying, “Oh, I’m just average, really…” in real life? Oh, and on top of being completely gorgeous (and in denial, might I add), she’s also smart, athletic, popular, kind, etc.?

It’s also rather irksome when just about every character in the original anime or story falls in love with this OC. And then all the characters of the same gender becomes jealous, and whatnot.

I apologize to whomever has done this, but hon, can we try not to live out our crazy fantasies through a shitfic? Not only are you ruining a possibly good anime (or story/plotline), you are also spamming whichever fandom you are on. Oh, and not to mention the poor readers who have to live through these horrors.

Don’t you have any sympathy for them at all?

(1) No, I’m not a flamer. It’s just that when I give concrit, I become curt, blunt, and harsh. And people reply, thinking it’s a flame. That really pisses me off.

A/N: This was originally meant for shitfics on FanFiction (mainly the anime section), because I live on there more than here, but I can’t possibly post anything like that on there. So, here it is.

If you got any comments, questions, etc., don’t hesitate to review. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This was just something I needed to get out of my system, and is something more like a rant than something that a review-hungry writer wrote.

I do disclaim something: I am not the best writer out there. In fact, I’m probably just another amateur out of many—but, hell, I’m a better amateur than a lot of you, who think you’re all so high and mighty. Just throwing that out there.