She shouldn’t have died. Katherine, I mean…I was married to her, once upon a time, you know. Only, you obviously don’t know. I never told you. I never tell anyone these days…They don’t want to know. They ask how I am, they say it’s okay to cry, and be upset, but they don’t want to know. Nobody ever wants to know, deep down. They just want to hear how great everything is, how I’m going on with my life, how I’m doing so well, so that hey can go home and pat themselves on the backs for being so nice as to ask. People never want to know…But I know, deep down. I know she shouldn’t have died. Because it should have been me.

I remember it, still…Maybe I always will. That’s what they tell me, anyway. How it always feels like it just happened yesterday. But it doesn’t feel like that, really. It feels like it’s happening right now, even as I talk to you. It feels like I’m still out here, on that boat, my lungs bursting from lack of air. It feels like my body’s still being dragged down, like my hair’s till plastered against my forehead from the water, like I could still die any moment. And it still feels like I should have.

We were on a boat, as I told you. The Victoria. It was our fifteenth anniversary. We‘d been talking about it for weeks, planning out ht smallest detail. Where we were going, what we were doing. It wasn’t anything fancy--just a sea cruise. We would rent a boat, and head out there until the wild blue yonder. A small, romantic thing to talk about as we grew older. Just…something nice.

Some hours-I wasn’t keeping track-out to sea, the boat hit something. I thought it was funny at the time, how It sounded, when the boat first began to sink. I had always thought it would be louder, really. And than the water was rushing in, and we were grabbing pales, and there wasn’t time to think any more.

I actually thought it was funny. An interesting story. Something to tell people about. We went on a boat cruise, and it started to sink. Only thing is, it wouldn’t stop. The boat wouldn’t stop We just kept on going down, and down, until there was no more boat, and we were just treading water, and heading to shore.

We weren’t a big boat. We didn’t have giant sales We weren’t that far out-we should have made it. We could see land from where we sank….We should have made it, but the simple fact is, we didn’t.I made it, and she didn’t, and it was my fault…I wasn’t paying attention….I wish I could say it wasn’t something bit. I wish I could give this tragic little story of mine some dramatic little twist, or turn, to make this story worth telling. I wish I could tell you how she saved me. I wish I could tall you that she died for something noble, but eh truth o the matter is…she didn’t. She died because she was tired, and out of shape, and not made for this, and she died because I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t see when her body began to seize. I didn’t watch as she sank beneath the water. And when I finally turned around, she was gone…I don’t even know what killed her. I just know she wasn’t there, and I never found her.

Every once in a while, I still like to pretend that she’s out there, waiting…but we both know she isn’t. I lost her. She’s dead.

And no one wants t hear about it.