Prologue - Remembering

I felt the leaves fall on my face, disintegrating as they touched me. Why? I don’t really know it all confuses me. The truth is I don’t care anymore. This is still my apple tree and it always will be. I stare at the brown bark curving over my face. I feel the orange leaves surrounding my body and the crunch as they are crushed by my hands. I reach up and grab the brown bark above me. It scratches my skin. The bark starts to break, I hate this. I can’t touch anything anymore. I feel the ash fall on my face. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I feel empty and I wish I didn’t, I would give almost anything for this to end, for it all to end.

I close my eyes and feel a cold tear run down my cheek, dripping off my face onto my hair. I don’t like autumn anymore. It is the ending, where everything slowly dies. I wish I could die in autumn and be re-born in spring, like the flowers and the trees. Then I would be happy, and then I would be normal. The sun warms my face. I sit up and rub my eyes. I don’t know how long I have been sitting here, under the apple tree, or why I still sit here. I stare ahead of me watching the grass flutter in the breeze. The horizon seems so far away and the cloudless blue sky taunts me with empty emotion. I can’t feel anything anymore just pain, endless desire, never feeling completely whole. I feel my eyes getting damp again. I close my eyes and push my body back against the rough bark. I immediately regret it. I thrust myself onto the ground, into empty hole I made. I turn to see my apple tree burnt, an arc where my back was. I can’t stop the tears now. I can’t deserve this, can I? What did I do?

I curl into a ball and let the empty tears fall. I know what I did, who I trusted. I don’t understand how I could have not seen the truth, not seen all the signs. I wish I could see what they saw, why they did this. I hate this. All I feel is an empty hole eating at my sides, gnawing at me. I can barely tell what is real anymore. All my dreams are blank. I can’t imagine anything. When I close my eyes all I see is the dark, all I hear is silence, all I smell is air, all I taste is bland, and all I feel is empty.

I push my hands into the ground. I feel the dry earth crumbling in my fingers. I need to stop crying, I can’t. I wipe my eyes. What is the point? It is all empty to me, even the anger, the sadness is empty. I tug at my hair, it is always such a mess. I look at my clothes, jeans and a black t-shirt. I can’t be creative anymore.

I stand up. As I do I bash my head on the tree, I quickly duck and walk out from under it, but it’s too late. The bark is black where it has started to crumble. The green grass underneath gone, in its place a gaping hole. Brown earth, dusty and dull. I look at my feet. The lush green grass underneath now brown and in pieces. I slowly turn away from the apple tree. I let my eyes run up and down the beautiful hills, perfect in the autumn sun. I remember when I used to be able to run up and down those hills, feel the grass underneath my feet. I was happier then. I curl up my toes, feeling the dead grass under them.

I turn back to the apple tree. I walk back to the patch of earth I was sitting on and lie down again. I breathe in the crisp air. I wish I wasn’t empty. I wish I wasn’t here. I wish this could stop. I don’t want to remember this. I want to remember before.