Choking. The air get’s too heavy. My heart sinks and all I really want to do is let myself go. All hope is anchored to some unreachable place far, far away from were I struggle. Trying to keep a flout. My eyes burn from unshed tears that I try to hold back. There’s nothing to cling to. No one to save me. Will I drown?

I wake up to another bleak mourning. I look out the window to the ivy covered fence that surrounds the house. So green. So beautiful. I reach for it. Even though there is space and glass separating me from it. There is no dark. I am illuminated in the soft gray glow of the early morning.

I look over my bed. It’s simple. Maybe to simple. It’s a mattress and a box spring on the ground. The sheets are white ,as is the down comforter. The rest of the room is pretty much the same. Bear. It’s a big room. All hard wood floors and off white walls. A walk in closet. There’s a desk, but I barley use it. The Laptop sit’s on the ground by my bed. It’s nice, a relatively new model.

I never really got into the whole “décor” thing. No, I liked it plane. Some much easer to deal with. My wardrobe was so out there I figured my room could be tamed.

I stood and went to adjoining bathroom to get ready for school. It was anew year. Was I a new me? Maybe. I wasn’t the old me for sure. I wasn’t going out to party any more at two in the mourning. I wasn’t hanging out with most of the same group of friends. I wasn’t living anymore.

I washed my Hair and body then dried off and brushed my teeth. I cleansed my face than looked at myself. I was a good height, 5’8. I had pretty long dyed brown hair (it used to be blond), and light blue/ green eyes. I was thin a size 4, and had porcelain skin. I was so “beautiful” on the out side. Why was it so different on the inside? I felt like I was always reaching for that beautiful part in side of me, and always coming up short.

I wondered if ay one else could see it? Could they see how ugly or lost I was on the inside? Did I let them? I stepped back into my room. There was one of those boards with crossed ribbon you display pictures on by the desk. It looked awkward in the empty room. I scanned over it. Over all the smiling faces. I discarded my own smiling face and stopped at one of a blond man, wearing blue jeans and a green sweater. He was smiling (like the rest), sitting on a log in a lush back yard. He wasn’t posed but he looked modelesk, handsome, welcoming.

My eyes began to water as I looked at another picture of the same man. He looked older but it had actually only been five moths later. He was on a hospital bed. No more blond hair. Nothing but skin, scalp. He was still smiling though. Still looking so welcoming. I looked away. Walking to the other side of the room to the walk in closet. I extracted a pair of low wasted jeans a red plan mini skirt and a cup sleeved, tight, black turtle neck. Pulling by hair up and back with red chopsticks I left a few dark strands in my face then aplied some eyeliner and mascara ,and walked out the door and down stares into the kitchen.

Two of my three aunts were there. One was making a pot of coffee. The other was slouched in a chair on the island basically playing with her bowl of Frosted Flakes. When I entered they both looked up and smiled.

“Good mourning sweetness!” my aunt Lue, the one who was playing with her cereal said as I cam to sit across from her. I shrugged and took the cup of coffe my other aunt Marcy sat in front of me. I poured like 20 Splenda in it and about a half a cup of cream. I liked it sickly sweet. More milk than coffee. Both my aunts watched as I sipped from the cup.

I really didn’t enjoy this, but I’d become used to it. My mother came down a few moments later. She kissed my cheek then said her good mornings to her sisters. She too grabbed a cup of coffee and hunkered down next to Lue. I looked at her. Our eyes met. We shared a moment of thought and than she smiled and looked some were else.

“Shelly is still in her room. She had a late night,” Marcy informed every one. We nodded. The clock struck seven and I had to leave for school. I put my bowl in the sink. Waved my good bye. Then turned to the door at the side of the kitchen, and exited. Could they see?