Based off the ancient Greco-Roman myth where Apollo, hit by Eros's arrow of lurve, tries to rape Daphne. Daphne prays to her goddy father and he turns her into a laurel tree.

Apollo and Daphne
a modern myth
copyright Audita Sum 2008

"Hey, Dad--"

"Yeah, what?" said Jupiter, his eyes not straying from the TV. He chugged some of the Miller Light he was holding and belched.

"I have to do this project for health class where--"

"That's nice. Hey, can I ask you a favor? Would you mind picking up your half-nephew from target practice down at the gym?"

"Um, alright, I guess."

"Great. Now get out of here. You're too shiny." Jupiter threw the can across the room. "Juno! Get me another beer! And a sammich!"

Apollo fumed as he jammed his car keys into his car. "This is seriously retarded," he said under his breath. "Just because I'm a bastard, everyone thinks they can order me around. Go pick up your half-sister's lovechild from target practice," he said in a mocking, high-pitched voice. He slammed the car door shut, and started up the engine. "Nobody cares about my achievements." He pulled out of the driveway, and sped to the gym.

When he found Eros in the archery practice room, struggling to pull back the string of his 2004 compound bow, Apollo smiled gloatingly. "What do you think you can do with medieval weapons, saucy boy? Leave them for real men. Did you hear about last week, when I won Olympia the football state championship?"

“I was there,” Eros grumbled.

“Oh yeah! I remember now.” Apollo smirked. “It was middle school band night, wasn’t it? Hey, no offense, but you guys suck. You guys suck bad. I don‘t mean to judge or anything, but you guys were so out of tune--”

“That’s interesting, coming from a guy who can’t sing on pitch to save his life.”

“What?” said Apollo, fear suddenly filling his bright eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“I know your secret,” said Eros. “I know about how you tried out for the spring musical.”

“It’s not true!” cried Apollo. “Don’t believe a word of it!”

“Anyway,” said Eros cooly, “I’ve heard you singing upstairs in your room when you think no one can hear you.” Apollo felt a slow horror creeping over him. “And you play that stupid lyre. Where’d you get that? A garage sale?”

"Oh yeah?!” Apollo blustered, “Oh yeah? Well, you know what Cupid rhymes with? Stupid!"

"You sonovabitch," said Eros, nocking an arrow. He let it go, and it hit the bullseye with a twang. "I'll make you pay."

Apollo rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm supposed to drive you home, midget, so hurry up already.

”They walked to the car in angry silence, but were both calmer after they’d driven a few miles. “I’m sorry for what I said, man,” said Apollo. “The band doesn’t sound that bad.”

“Yeah, just fuggedaboudit.”

"You won't tell anyone about how I sing, will you, man?"

"Nah, dude. I was just playin'."

After a while, Apollo caught sight of a girl named Daphne, whom he knew from world history, walking alongside the road. “I’d tap that,” he said.

“I bet you would.”

Apollo, now coasting, rolled down the window. “Hey goodlookin’!” he shouted. She glared at him and turned her face away.

“Aw, man,” said Eros, “she totally wants you.”

“Are you serious?” Apollo stopped the car in the middle of the road and jumped out, running after Daphne. “Hey girl hey!” She also started to run-- away from him.

“Okay, ew!" she shouted back over her shoulder. "Leave me alone!”

“Aw, girl, don’t be like that!” said Apollo. Being the star track runner that he was, he caught up with her quickly. “You know you want me, girl,” he said, jogging by her side.

“Ew. Okay, no,” she said, panting. “You know Diana, right?”

“Who, that lesbo?”

“I’m never going to get married, just like her.”

“But I must have you!” Apollo flung his arms around her, and wrestled her up against a wall. Daphne screamed and turned into a flowerpot. Well, a flowerpot with a laurel tree in it. “What the eff?!” roared Apollo. He heard Eros snicker from the car and whipped around to face him. “What the eff did you do?”

Eros, still giggling, pointed to where Daphne’s father, Peneus, stood.

“Aw, crap,” said Apollo, raising his hands in supplication. “You know I wasn’t gonna do anything, man.”

"Of course you weren't," said Peneus, pulling a sawed-off shotgun out of his coat.