The Book of Chet
Psalms
copyright Audita Sum 2008

1

Blessed is he whose delight is in the law of the Chet
and who plays Super Smash Bros. day and night.

He is like a yoshi egg
which yields yoshi in season
and whose long, sticky tongue does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

Not so the wicked!
They are like collared greens
that have been soulfully eaten.

Therefore they will not stand in the judgment
and their faces will be thoroughly gored.

2

O Chet, how many are my foes!
How many cut me off and cause me to swerve!

Many are saying of me,
"He smells sort of funny."

But you are a shield around me, O Chet;
you bestow sweetness upon me and lift up my stats.

To the Chet I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy gaming system.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because I was given caffeine intravenously.

I will not fear the several people
drawn up against me on a few sides.

Arise, O Chet!
Deliver me, O my Chet!
Kick all my enemies in the ass;
gore the faces of the wicked.

3

Answer me when I IM you,
O my righteous Chet.
Be a nice guy and hear my prayer.

How long, O men, will you love delusions and seek false chets?
Know that the Chet will hear when I call his cell phone.

When you're pissed off, do not sin;
when you're lying drunk on the couch,
shut the fuck up.

Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the Chet.

Many are asking, "Can you show us something sweet?"
Let the light of your console shine upon us, O Chet.

I will lie down and sleep without a rape whistle,
for you alone, O Chet,
make me not dwell in innercity areas.

4

O Chet, do not rebuke me in your pissedoffity
or dis me in your wrath.

Be a nice guy, Chet, for I am intoxicated;
O Chet, heal that scab on my wrist, because it's really gross.

My soul is mildly uncomfortable.
How long, O Chet, how long?

Turn, O Chet, and deliver my Time magazine.
I'm serious. I usually get it on Tuesday.
Where the hell is it?

No one remembers you when you move to Minnesota.
Who praises you from Ohio?

I am worn out from complaining;
My eyes grow weak from staring at this computer monitor;
pretty much no one comments on my blog.

Away from me, all you who are trolls,
for the Chet has heard my whining.

The Chet has heard my cry for Chinese food,
and he's seriously considering picking some up.
The Chet accepts my prayer.

All my enemies will feel pretty awkward;
their faces will be summarily gored.

5

O Chet, our Chet
how sweet-as-hell is your name in all the earth!
From the lips of trumpet players and hobos
you have ordained praise.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers:

www . youtube . com /watch?vhQduXjMyMN0

the moon and the stars,
which you have scattered pretty much randomly...

Wait, I lost my train of thought.

All flocks and herds,
and the yoshi of the field,
the megabat of the air,
and whatever the hell's in the sea,
all the illegal aliens.

O Chet, our Chet,
how sweet-as-hell is your name in all the earth!

6

I will praise you, O Chet, with all my blood-pumping organ;
I will tell of your sweetness.

I will be glad and rejoice in you;
wait; that sounded totally wrong. I won't rejoice in you.
I know you're not gay, man.
I mean, I'm not gay either.
I'm not.

My enemies circumnavigate you;
their faces are gored before you.

Those who trust in your name will trust in you,
because you just have a pretty sweet name.

Sing praises to the Chet, enthroned in Minnesota;
proclaim on Cybernations what he has done.

O Chet, see how my corporate rivals piss me off!
Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of Ohio.

The wicked return to Ohio,
all the Cybernations that forget Chet.

7

Why, O Chet, did you move to Minnesota?
Why aren't you in our symphonic band?

In his arrogance the wicked man gets a mohawk,
and it looks like a rat died on his head.
He's a smartass in global history.
He condones Spartans and reviles the Chet.

He says to himself, "I'm so punk;
"I listen to Greenday."

He lies in wait in Call of Duty 4;
from ambush he kills various people,
guzzling Jack Daniels.

He lies in wait like a bweasel in cover;
he uses the word 'rape' in stupid contexts.

He says to himself, "Chet has forgotten;
"he never had to go to summer school,
"and learn to drive at the same time."

Why does the wicked man revile Chet?
Why does he say to himself,
"They KILLED A FUCKING NUNE!"

Kick the ass of the wicked and evil man;
Call him out in front of his friends
for petty misdemeanors.

The Chet is king for evar and evar,
defending the bastards and the oppressed.

8

The ass says in his heart,
"There is no Chet."
They are fraudulent,
their deeds have been denied by the jurisdiction;
there is no one who can do this:

www . youtube . com /watch?vhQduXjMyMN0

You evuldoars frustrate the plans of the poor,
and keep trying to outlaw welfare,
but the Chet is their refuge.

9

Minnesota declares the sweetness of Chet;
the skies proclaim the fact that he can do this:

www . youtube . com /watch?vhQduXjMyMN0

Day by day they ramble on drunkenly;
night after night they surf Wikipedia.

In Minnesota he has pitched a really sweet pilot episode,
which is like a brideyoshi coming forth from his pavilion.

The fear of the Chet is pure,
and is nonbiodegradable.
The ordinances of the Chet are fur shur,
and altogether sweet.

They are more precious than PSPs,
they are sweeter than artificial sweetener.

Who can discern your heedaleehees, O Chet,
Redeemer of my coupons?

10

The Chet is my shepherd, I shall not be in debt.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
That's sort of creepy, actually.
I mean, he physically forces me to lie down in them.

He restores that really shitty essay I B. for English.
He guides me in paths of sweetness, for cheddar's sake.

Even though I saunter sexily
through the valley of the shadow of Ohio,
I fear no evul,
for you are with me. Your rod and your staff--
they comfort me.
That is not what it sounds like.

You prepare a luncheon in my general proximity.
You anoint my face with Stridex;
my Mountain Dew overflows.

Surely sweetness and love will follow me
like drunken hobos all the days of my life,
and I will mooch off Chet's wealth in his house
where he lives with his parents
forevar.