Things I Bought in the Last Three Weeks

(and Some Things That I Didn’t Quite Pay For)

1) shoes,

which broke so i had to buy-

2) yarn and

3) needles.

4) a JC Crew shirt

(with a broken zipper!

how messed up is that?)

5) a black tang top.

6) a one hundred and fifty dollar hand made shirt

(because the woman looked at me like,

“yeah, as if you can afford this”

and i couldn’t, really, so i shoplifted it

and then bought a ten dollar headband instead).

7) a tie dye scarf from a store in indian

(which I guess i didn’t pay for, either,

even though the sign in the dressing room

said “stealing is evil”.

but, i like to be evil sometimes!)

8) a bottle of cola.

9) the dress i’m wearing.

10) another dress.

11) probably another dress, too.

12) a yellow shirt.

13) these jessica simpson designed shoes

(because even though she’s ugly

and getting fat, the shoes were hot)

14) a book about how thomas jefferson

had trouble with his love life.

15) a gift shop bracelet from a museum

(well, i don’t remember actually paying for it-

but i tried it on and forgot to take it off).

16) this really ugly red velvet vest

(to wear so that when i’m

at a tacky family reunion

i don’t make anyone feel too bad about

having better clothes than them.)

17) the answers to a math test for five bucks

(because passing algebra 2 is expensive!)

18) a book called “how to be a good person and

go straight to heaven”

(which was way overpriced,

so i had to shoplift that, too).