Moral Conflicts

Responsibility

"There is no free lunch in this world."

Almost twenty five years in my life, I never went into a relationship, let alone losing my virginity. People around me were enjoying their nights of passion while I sit behind the computer feeding myself with pornography. Over the years I turned into a voyeur of sorts; watching silently but not actually doing it.

My best friend Aeh Lian would always shake his head in disapproval whenever he inspects my collection. Although he does borrow some, he would return them saying it bored him to sleep. I’d return my usual reply of him not appreciating it. True enough, he was the kind of person who could get some when he wants some. Pornography was nothing to him.

“You my friend,” Aeh Lian pat my shoulders, “should try the real thing. Follow me to Geylang (Red Light District), I’ll show you around.”

“No thanks,” I replied.

No matter how high my sex drive was I never did try prostitution, partly because of the life threatening STDs (despite having condoms). Another reason was I felt wrong in doing this. Not that pleasuring myself to pornography was right in the first place, I didn’t want to deviate into exchanging money for human flesh. It just feels so wrong.

Aeh Lian was probably the most attractive guy I ever met. The way he dressed could suffocate any lady in the streets with excitement. He always had his way with women that all of them would fall for his tricks. That was one thing I never did approve of however he said it was only a matter of finding the right ones.

As you probably have guessed, he was a playboy; a very good one at that. He could make a woman sleep with him in less than ten minutes and that was an understatement.

I never liked the idea playing around with opposite sexes thus always kept a distance from playboys. Aeh Lian was different; he was smart. He never went for ‘sweet innocent girls’ or those who does not want to play. All he ever fished for were ‘sluts’.

I am a good boy see? Live a virgin, die a virgin, never had a girlfriend, never pay for sex. I feel so depressed all of a sudden.

--

The day we graduated from school, Aeh Lian came up with a bright idea of pulling me into clubbing. I was reluctant at first but seeing it was a celebration, I agreed. We went in a small group, each person with their own agenda. My schedule today was not to get laid but drunk. Get myself so drunk that I wouldn’t recognise mom because I am too shy to approach any ladies. I felt like a failure.

Then, out of nowhere, Aeh Lian snuck behind me and pointed to a lonely corner where a group of sexy looking girls were. He directed my attention to this quiet girl who seemed to be left out. Next thing I knew, a mysterious force brought me to them without any proper plans. I tensed up, muttering to myself dozens of misfortunes that would befall me; the ladies were not amused.

“Hi ladies,” Aeh Lian wrapped his arms around my neck, “Mind if we sit here?”

“Sure!” Their sharp voices sung in unison.

In no time at all, Aeh Lian got the ladies laughing at the top of their voices with crude sex jokes. He had this innate ability to entertain anyone no matter how bad the content was. Regardless, we were welcomed into the circle. As I stayed on I noticed the quiet one was much like me. Sadly after that night we didn’t see each other again; neither did I get her name.

Nevertheless her face haunted me every night I sleep. Although she didn’t wear revealing clothes nor dress attractively like the others, she had my full attention that night. Oh, how I wish we could meet up again.

--

I met up with Aeh Lian next day with a serious hangover. We had a job interview in some big company. Credits went to him that we net ourselves an opportunity immediately after graduation. He was always good at finding one and never forgets me. I owe my academic and working life to him.

Forcing ourselves to hold a sober face, we passed interview without problems. Hopefully both of us would get the job together. It was a dream; more like a fantasy to have such good fortune throughout my whole life but I still wished anyway.

Before we split up, he told me to meet up this weekend for a movie. I frowned at his sudden proposal. He never caught a movie alone with another man. I was pretty sure he was up to something but wouldn’t reveal a single detail. So I decided to play along in the mean time to see what tricks he hid up his sleeves. When he nagged me to ‘dress properly’, I knew females would be involved in this outing.

When I reached the cinema that day, I saw him talking to a nice lady. I snorted in disgust as he was up to his old tricks again. The ‘My name is Aeh Lian but you can call me Alien’ phrase never failed to amuse them for some reasons. Thus I took smaller steps hoping I wouldn’t disturb their ‘little moment’ together.

To my surprise, the lady he entertained was that shy girl we met that night. Frowning to myself, I greeted her nervously as I dragged him to one corner demanding answers. I knew he was not that kind of man to prey on the quiet ones yet I was afraid his appetite changed. I shuddered at the thought of him staining the heart of a pure maiden. I had to stop him somehow.

“Fool!” He chided, “I asked her out for you man! You know I don’t go for these quiet types, why did you think I reminded you to dress properly?”

I scratched my head, “True that.”

“And look at you!” He hissed, “I told you to dress properly, you look like an uncle!”

I dropped my head bleakly. No matter what I wear, I would always look like an uncle. I have that uncle face, sue me.

The movie was tensed. Ah Lian shoved me a seat beside her and got an excuse to leave. Even though we were enjoying a comedy, I was drowned in cold sweat for this was the first time I ever caught a movie with a lady. Oh wow, I am so going to kill myself with pressure when the movie was over.

Stupid me forgot to let her go first when we left. I didn’t hold the door for her either. I was too stressed to think or do anything properly. I feel so much like a failure I’ve always been. Yet down inside I hoped she didn’t mind.

Being weekends the crowd down the street was overwhelming. We had to wade through a sea of moving bodies, sometimes rude. None of us said anything. She must think I’m a hopeless guy.

Then, someone patted my shoulders. I thought ‘Who the fu ...?’

When I looked back it was her. She pointed a small alley which people didn’t usually take as the odour was overbearing for some. I was alright with it so I followed her where we could have some space to finally see each other properly. To my demise, the alley was too dark for me to see her face at all.

She started introducing herself as Lynn and began talking about many things. I started to feel more comfortable as I listened. Our footsteps too subconsciously took a slower pace to enjoy each other’s company. It felt good.

I thought she was a talkative girl. She talked about her secondary school life to Junior College and how she met the bunch of friends who pulled her into the pub and how she met Aeh Lian.

She said, “That was when I knew I met the ‘same kind’”

Same kind as who? Aeh Lian or me? My mind was troubled with these questions I don’t know why. I pondered the reason for me to be bothered like this?

“I’m always uncomfortable with strangers but you were different.”

I mused for a moment. “That’s true.” I had to admit, she was probably the only first ‘stranger’ I met who made me felt easy.

I got her number and email address that night. It was the start of a beautiful relationship, I hoped.

--

Even though I had her number I rarely use it. Instead I was on MSN messenger countless nights chatting with her. When I am behind the screen, I felt truly alive as that’s where I could speak to someone without any stress. We entertained each other with senseless jokes companied by replies of ‘LOL’, ‘ROFL’ and ‘LMAO’. It was silly yes but we enjoyed every moment together.

A week later I got a call from the company I interviewed with. It was then I found out Aeh Liean got the job himself too. I was glad we could work together again like old times. He would be the designer, engineer for the structures while I would be the one processing all his ideas into drawn plans. I looked forward to this partnership. Everything worked well.

I later discovered Lynn graduated from University recently and had been searching for a job as well. We’re both on the same level I guess -- working adults.

Before we started work I wanted to have a small celebration. That was when I thought of Aeh Lian and Lynn. They would make the best set of friends I wanted to celebrate with. However, Aeh Lian was not amused when he found out Lynn was going too; he complained about being the brightest light bulb in the whole universe. I managed to convince him this was a celebration and not a date so it would be alright. Under my persistent persuasion, he gave in.

Dinner was at Newton Circus. That place is a ghost town during the day but when the sun sets, it truly comes alive with many food stalls and a big crowd. It was also the central area for my other two companions. I ordered quite a lot as an appreciation for being around.

Aeh Lian as usual was spewing all sorts of crude joke over the food which made me lost appetite. Nevertheless when I saw how amused Lynn was, my food crave returned.

“I heard you need a job,” Aeh Lian began.

“Yeah, I’m a fresh grad, I need to start working for my family.”

“Oh wow, what a responsible girl you are,” Aeh Lian commented, “Most youngsters just move out of the house when they are ready to work.”

Lynn agreed with a rueful sigh.

“My friend here needs a job too.”

“Oh?” Lynn raised an eyebrow, “planning to moonlight?”

“Nah, he needs a blow ...”

“Oi!” I retaliated disapprovingly hoping she wouldn’t be offended. Yet I found her bursting in a fit of laughter.

That night was filled with much sex jokes and laughter. Although Lynn looked like one of those ‘shy innocent types’, she still enjoyed Aeh Lian’s blunt humour. I always believed that was Aeh Lian’s magic - to make people laugh at the things they wouldn’t enjoy.

Beer was not left out that night but it certainly left nothing inside my wallet. All of us were so drunk we couldn’t stand. However Aeh Lian insisted on me seeing her home. So I did. Grabbing a small plastic bag out of nowhere, I helped her to the open road. It was midnight and cars were scarcely seen thus we had to wait.

I rested her head against my shoulders as we sat on the floor. That was when she started revealing secrets like her hidden stash of adult material and how she was deriving pleasure out of those. A burning lust soared within me as she carried on ranting. Every second the temptation to eat her up grew harder to resist. My hand moved closer to her body as my head was conquered by lust. Then, bright light rudely splashed on my face with a loud horn - it was a taxi.

We boarded the car promptly as the driver drove off. I left Lynn alone while I looked out of the window doing some soul searching. I saw her back to the door step, though her mother was not very happy to see me. Nevertheless, I delivered her home safely and headed back to mine.

--

I didn’t chat with her after that. I didn’t know what was pulling me back and I didn’t want to know.

A month passed; Aeh Lian and I drew our first salary. This called for yet another celebration. We went to some cheap restaurant for lunch, period. Throughout the meal he constantly complained about a disturbing lack of ‘feminine presence’. I knew what he was driving at but I wasn’t going to do anything about it. I simply threw him my middle finger as reply.

“Get a life man,” he snorted scornfully, “a sex life.”

--

That night Lynn unexpectedly messaged me over the phone. I thought I had to reply somewhat so I switched on MSN Messenger and see what she wanted. She apologised for what she said that night - even though she couldn’t recall anything - and then in turn reprimanded me. I raised both eyebrows. She said I should stop running away and face ... no, embrace reality. My mind went blank. Somehow these words from her sounded very wrong.

That lightened me up a little as we began sharing our own experience with our collection. Behind that quiet, innocent face hid a perverted monster no less tamed than me. I was not a fan of homosexual pornography but she had a thing for watching two guys making out. I choked so hard mom came in to check on me. Good thing she didn’t understand English or she might be the one needing help to breathe.

“Do you want to be sex buddies with me?” She asked

I stared blankly into the monitor not believing the text she typed. There was a monster caged within me. That was what kept me normal in front of other people. However, here she is attempting to set it free; something which I feared.

“Why are you hesitating? We’re both okay with it right?”

Unable to resist the temptation, I let my animal instincts took over.

We met up after work next day and found ourselves a budget hotel where I could ravage her with my inner most desires. We went on for a few rounds before the urge finally died down. Exhausted from all the action, I lied on the bed wondering if it was wrong doing this. As guilt washed over my heart, I wept. Lynn stroked my head saying ‘it’s okay’. It was not something neither of us wanted to avoid - it was something we longed for. Since we were both willing parties, there was nothing wrong with that.

Before we parted, she kissed my cheeks and whispered, “Try harder next time.”

I stood stunned as she went off. What did I get myself into?

--

We met up every Saturday night at the same hotel. It was not the most comfortable place anyone could ask for but it was the best place for both of us who just entered the work force. Naturally I should be the one paying for everything but Lynn insisted on paying on a few occasions. Even though she started a new job not long ago, she insisted it shouldn’t be the man paying all the time; most of the time, yes, not all.

Over the internet we chat like good friends. Nevertheless we meet up for only one purpose, nothing else. Aeh Lian’s intelligence department somehow got hold of our activity log and congratulated me over lunch one day.

“Treat her with care buddy,” he started.

“Tell that to her,” I smirked as I recalled the nights spent with her. “Wait, why are you saying this?”

“Ever noticed the scars on both her wrists?”

I shook my head.

“Do you know what she is working as?”

I shook my head.

“What?!” He exclaimed, “How many nights have you spent with her?”

I raised both palms, all fingers fully stretched.

“Hundredth?!”

Frowning incredulously, I replied, “Ten.”

After what Aeh Lian told me, I went home pondering over his words. It made me feel the same guilt I had during the first night. Chucking that feeling aside, I went to sleep.

When it came to the day we met again, I felt the urge within me diminished. I felt so tired all of a sudden I didn’t want to do it today. Hoping she wouldn’t mind, I walked towards our meeting point. Struggling with myself to pick the right words, I faltered nervously. Instead of questioning my intention, she spoke up. She asked if we could do something different today. My mood lightened as I said ‘yes’ calmly while relieve washed over my troubled soul.

We went window shopping that day or rather, the whole night. It was only a few hours before we had to part because midnight shopping didn’t exist here. Although we didn’t do anything much, I felt closer to her. Since then, our meet ups were mostly about hanging out with each other. I wonder if this would be considered as a date. Not that I care anyway, as long as we were happy, nothing else mattered.

‘Working life is also known as no-life’. We work from morning to night, take transport home just in time to sleep. Early next morning we have to get ready for work again. It was a vicious cycle. My weekends with Lynn were the only ‘life’ I had left. Occasionally she would still pull me into the same hotel for some ‘vigorous activities’; not that I mind, we needed it once in a while anyway.

--

Reaching into the first year of our working life, our boss was very happy with our performance. So happy he threw Aeh Lian and me into a big project which would chew into our weekends. That meant I couldn’t meet up with Lynn as often anymore. At first I could find at least an hour’s time to chat with her over the net however as our project went deeper, I started to work overtimes from weekdays to weekend. There blew my dates with Lynn. Feeling frustrated and worn out, there was nothing I could do. Good thing she understood my work nature or else I would have gone mad.

Our boss promised things would get easier if we could meet the six months deadline. As we went into the third month we literally had to eat and sleep in the office. It was like back in the army days where we stay in camp during weekdays while having guard duties on weekends. The boss was a shrewd one - he had shower rooms built into the office for us to clean ourselves. However, with the lack of washing and drying area for clothes, we find ourselves returning home every few days to fetch a new set of clothes that would last us a few days.

Work has never been so exciting.

All thanks to Aeh Lian’s coffee nights and incoherent yelling, we managed to take it easy during the fourth month. We still had to camp in the office but not as often. Our boss gave us flexible working hours seeing the progress we made thus we had full days off once every few days. My initial plan was to spend more time with my family and Lynn but things didn’t go as planned. By the time I had reached home I crushed into bed and snored away.

One night, around one in the morning, someone came knocking on my door. I freaked out fearing it wasn’t human. Peering cautiously into the eyehole, I saw Lynn facing down. I quickly opened the door worried something bad might have happened. She looked up to me with a blank face.

“I went to the doctor’s today,” her voice was whimpering, hardly audible. “Said I’m carrying a child,” she paused, her face turned away.

Shocked, my body trembled with fear and uncertainty. “Is it mine?”

She returned a look of hurt.

If I could slap myself in the face that moment, I would.

Turning away from me, she promptly headed for the lift. Realising I said something wrong, I gave chase and pulled her arms. I invited her to my room where I let her rest and boiled a cup of hot tea to calm her nerves. I didn’t know if hot tea calms nerves but that was the only beverage I had at home. Mom woke up and got hold of me as I was out of the room. She was concerned of what was going on.

“Don’t worry ma, she’s a friend, ran into some trouble. Let her stay for a while okay?”

Mom nodded. I could have not asked for a more understanding parent than her.

As she finished the tea, I held her hand assuring everything was going to be okay. Coaxing her into bed, I forced myself to get some sleep as there was more work to be done tomorrow. When I woke up, she was still in bed. She probably didn’t have any good night’s rest since the news was broken to her. So I left a note saying I would discuss everything when I was back from work.

Aeh Lian noticed my troubled self at work and chided me to pay attention to work at hand. It was easy for him to say as he never had to face such problems. Nevertheless he was right; I couldn’t let my personal issues jeopardize our project now. Then, he went on saying we could take another day’s off if we worked through the night again. I agreed.

When we knocked off next morning, Aeh Lian forced everything out of me before we parted. He was eager to know what was going on. Feeling exhausted, I didn’t attempt to hide anything.

“Abortion,” he said coldly.

I stared at him in disbelieve. “No way!”

“There you go, what was so difficult?” He shrugged. “There are only three things you can do when this happen - Abortion, Abandon or Accept.”

“It’s not that simple,” I retorted frustratingly, “Easier said than done.”

He gave my back a few encouraging pats, “Nothing’s ever simple, just live with it.”

When I went home, Lynn already left while I was too tired to find out anything from Mom. I crushed into bed until it was evening. Having no appetite for dinner, I went out for a walk hoping there would be a solution to my problem. As I walked past a convenience stall, I bought a dozen of root beers and found myself a quiet spot to rest.

I never did imagine such problem coming to me. Now that it did, I had no idea how to deal with it. Firstly, I was supporting my family with Mom. I had to feed my retired father and survive under the ever raising living costs. With that alone it was difficult for me to have other commitments. Secondly, I never did tell them I had a girlfriend. It would be too sudden for them to accept and if they refused, I would be at a loss of what to do. Lastly, if we were to get married, I can’t expect her to cramp in one small room with me and we didn’t have the savings to get a new house

As my mind went on with these issues, I drowned myself in the sweetness of root beers.

“Getting drunk on root beer?” A man snorted, “how smart!”

Looking up with irritation I saw Aeh Lian.

“Your mom called, said she was worried. Now I see what she meant.”

I threw an empty can at him in jest.

Aeh Lian stayed by me the whole night giving me advices and extensive plans to solve my problems. Though some were simply impossible to solve, he said ‘we’ had to go through it together no matter what. I never knew he was such a good problem solver. I always thought he was just a playboy who loved to fool around. Now I looked upon him in a different light. He was a natural born leader; someone who could gain his teammates’ trust easily by helping with their problems. Nevertheless, his life was always in a mess.

I gave Lynn a call before I went to work next day asking an ‘interview’ with her parents one of these days. This couldn’t go on. We had to do something about it. I had to be responsible over my actions. Thinking back, I felt lucky we were no longer students.

--

Finally after some struggles I managed to meet her parents. It was not a particularly pleasant experience I can assure you; especially not when something like this happened and them being typical Asian parents.

Her father was fuming mad while her mother was trying to calm him down. As I entered the room, I knew bloodshed was inevitable.

“What do you intend to do now?” Her father asked strictly.

“Marry her of course.” I said while biting my teeth.

“How much do you earn every month? What assets do you own? What kind of house do you live in? How are you going to plan the wedding?”

I was tired, I was stressed and I had things on my mind. The last thing I needed right now was some uncle come questioning my ability to take care of his daughter because that hit the spot. I had to admit I was no rich person to start with; I had no assets, no money and definitely leading no comfortable life.

“If you can’t give her a comfortable life, then we will. We have the ability to raise both her and her baby so we don’t need you understand? Do you realise how much damage you have caused in her career life? It’s a good thing we’re still alive to see her through this difficult period.”

“Look uncle,” I stood up heated with frustration, “I’m not rich. I cannot promise your daughter and grandchild a comfortable life but I am not going to abandon her in a situation like this. I will not let her down!”

With that, I stormed out of the house fuming with anger and guilt. Her father was right, I couldn’t disagree. Since my speech had not moved him, I just had to give up. Knowing her parents still had the ability to take care of her, I went home to deal with mine.

My parents didn’t give me the ‘you’re a disgrace to the family’ treatment, instead, they said ‘do what you must, son, you’re a grown up now.’ I threw my hands in the air in despair. It’s no longer about what I have to do but what I can do.

--

Months later we handed out project over to the next team nicely. Our boss was very happy with our performance and promised a big bonus from him next year. Looking back at how we did it with the support from everyone in our team, the hard work we put in was definitely worth it. This called for yet another celebration. This time we had to dine at somewhere healthier as Lynn was expecting soon. There were things she couldn’t eat or it might harm both the mother and baby.

Aeh Lian as usual was spouting crude jokes over the dining table again. This brought me back to the night where it all started; the night where she started confessing her secrets. Thinking back; time sure passed by quickly. Very soon the baby would be born but her parents still refused to hand over their daughter to me which made me depressed.

As we parted ways with Aeh Lian, I brought Lynn to the open road where we hailed a taxi. Sending her home was no longer a gentleman gesture but a responsibility to ensure her safety.

“Have you thought of names yet?” I asked as the taxi drove off.

“I’ve thought of a few Chinese names,” she admitted, “haven’t thought of an English one though.”

“How about this? If it’s a boy, we call him Lucian, if it’s a girl, we call her Rain?”

“Sounds good,” she grinned. “But you must work harder to have the authority to give him or her names though.”

“What?” Hope sparkled within me.

“My father agreed for us to see each other, but he wants to see your effort,” She grinned.

Thus began my courtship. Things weren’t as bad after all.