Dear Martha Stewart,

Hello! For the past several days, I have been stalking you, and I am quite sad because you have not noticed. I figured I should write you a letter to inform you. You are standing very uncomfortably as you read this letter outside your house, and I like the way your eyes are bulging as if they might fall out of their skull. I especially like that one drop of sweat that is dripping down your forehead. Oh, it’s just fallen to the floor. You might want to pick it up and place it back on that cute forehead of yours. I know that the press is saying that it is a manly forehead, but I disagree. It is strong. Just like you, Martha. You are a strong, strong woman. Will you be my friend?

You are now running inside your house and you have left my letter on the sidewalk and dropped your keys. I’d pick them up for you, but then I wouldn’t be a very good stalker. I can’t just knock on your door and say, “Hello! It’s me! You don’t know me, but I KNOW YOU”

“How?”

“I’ve seen you around.”

“Where?”

“Everywhere.”

Sounds awfully sketchy.

Oh, Martha, I can’t see you from this viewpoint! Where’d you go?

The last time I wrote you a letter you were in prison. It seems to be that many, many good people have gone to prison, myself being one of them, for this “assault/battery” hoopla. May it be known that I was the one assaulted and battered in that situation. Emotionally assaulted and battered. From spending two years behind bars. And yet no one has been arrested yet! Where are you, justice?

Oh, now I can see you! You’re looking rather frazzled and you’re running your hands through your luscious blonde hair. Your only slightly wrinkled fingers are dialing furiously onto your telephone. You’re not calling the police, are you, Martha? You wouldn’t do that to me, would you? You know I love you. And you don’t know that you love me – in fact, you THINK that you hate me – but I know that you love me. And that’s all that matters. I’m glad you love me, Martha! I love you too!

Love, hearts, and kisses,

Your stalker. Smooch, smooch.