When I was young, my parents liked to write fairy tales about me as a reminder of how good looking I am. My personal favorite has always been the one where I go on a family vacation to the beach only to find myself temporarily kidnapped by a child molestation gang and used as a sex baby. Later on in the story, I grow up to be a beautiful young woman. I use my raw sexual magnitude to convince the gang to stop molesting children and turn their attention towards attractive teenagers such as myself. The story sweeps the nation, and reporters come knocking on my door asking, “Tila Tequila, what’s it like to be so good looking?”

I answer as best as I know how. “Well, to be honest, I’m basically just like everyone else, only with better skin and hair. I guess you could say the main difference is that I’m hot and you’re kind of weird looking.”

Sometimes being a melting pot of hot can be a downright nuisance! Like, this one time I broke the geometry teacher’s windshield with a golf ball after he had “accidentally” stepped on my toe. Mr. Barton came up to me before homeroom, and he said, “Tila, yeah, you might be hot. But your personality sucks.”

Admittedly, my personality really does suck, but alcohol always helps bring out the best in people. I am able to consume my liquor in the comfort of my living room. One time my mom discovered vodka in my dresser drawer, right? I said as casually as possible, hoping to disguise a complete and utter lie by keeping it cool. “Oh, don’t worry, mom! I’m spreading vodka on my face to get rid of irritating acne and facial blemishes!” Then I made a show of dipping my finger into the bottle and spreading the beverage around my pores.

"Oh! Well, if it's good for your skin, it's good enough for me!” My mom said, suddenly turning very enthusiastic. She pointed at her chin and sang, “Hey, let me try! Spread some here!”