After All

The chilly air is no match for the cold between us.

After weeks of trying to save what we had, it was over. Done. Gone. Good-bye to Us, hello to Me. I can't tell if he's feeling anything about this. I think so; he's giving me a heartbroken look. It all started with not wanting to kiss me...then hug me...then talk to me. People had been telling me he was thinking about it, but I said no. We were in love. He would never break my heart like that.

This conversation has lasted for about an hour, but I feel the end creeping up.

"I'm sorry." He says softly, that hair I fell in love with blowing gently from the wind. I feel it- my tears pour down my face. Damn, was I wrong about this. Denial slaps me in the face and reality soon follows. Mother Nature matchs the mood of the moment with late November, the grass and trees dead, the season of death. And so love must die, too?

"It's okay..." I croak, my sobs getting louder and louder. Finally my body is rattling and rolling with the pain and heartache. He sighs heavily. This has to be hard for him; he can't be that heartless towards me. I was his Chipmunk; he was my Sexy Beast. We have been together for months, doing most everything together- wait. Maybe I'm smothering him! That's it! He just needs space. Hope resurrects.

"Please don't cry." I stare at him. He looks too serious for this. If he needs space, he should just tell me how long and I'll keep my distance. But...I saw her...with him today. That was it. He was leaving me for HER!! He wouldn't! You know he will, my mind murmurs...he's bored with you...

I feel a twinge of defeat. NO!!

"What do you expect me to do?" I snap angrily. I taste blood in my mouth from biting my tongue. "You're leaving me behind!"

"Cathy," the shock in his voice is apparent. "I still want to be your friend." Friend. What a demonic word. I never thought that word would hurt as much as it did at that moment. He can ACTUALLY stand being friends now? After everything we had been through together? After all the starts and stops of this relationship, he wants to change it to a friendship?! My anger starts to mount, but I continue to control it. Barely, but enough.

"I know, but...I love you. Please..." It takes all I have not to get on my knees and beg. "Can't we try to save this? Please!" My pride gets shot to hell as I stand there sobbing, trying to control the urge to just curl up and die right there in front of him.

"How, Cathy?" He replies. My mind grows numb, racing with the constant plague of denial. No, this is NOT over, David! Please don't leave me like this! I thought you cared about me!!

His mother and sister come from around the corner of the house.

"Give us a minute, please?" He says to them as they get closer. They crow about they know and that they're just trying to get into the house; it was cold. I don't even think Oklahoma cold can compete with the temperature my body must be at this moment. Tiffany walks past me and touches my shoulder, giving me a sympathetic look. I turn my eyes away- a witness to my humiliation is all she is to me. The door shuts and silence hangs in the air.

I take a deep breath, my ribs contracting painfully as I fill my lungs with air. "I...I just want you to be happy, David. That's all. And now I know that I just don't make you happy anymore." I can't tell if pain or anger is in his eyes when those words leave my lips, but all I know is that I need to leave. Now. I'm too confused to stay and talk. I pick up my car keys.

"I'll just go...I've caused enough drama." He stands up and lets me by. My legs run me to the car and the engine roars to life. The gate opens and I race out, my sobs echoing throughout the dark, silent car. I leave him staring at the ground, his hands gripping the metal gate.

On the way home, going at a dangerous 40 mph throughout my neighborhood, a garbage truck turns the corner too wide and almost slams head-first into my mom's car. I freeze, but somehow, supernaturally I suppose, I am carried out of the way and left in a neighbor's driveway, sobbing to the ceiling and hitting myself to prevent my rage from tearing my face apart.

"Why?" I yell. "Why?! What the hell did I do to deserve this?! Wha..." I rest my head on the wheel, my tears leaking down the steering wheel and into my hands. "That truck should've hit me..." I sigh. "I wish it did..."

-XOXO-

My dad's waiting when I get into the house.

"What happened?" He asks as he sees me coming in shaking and panting.

"IT'S OVER!! HE BROKE UP WITH ME!!" I scream, throwing my purse down on the ground. The cats bolt out of the room from fear and Dad grabs me into a hug, holding me tight. I fight back. To hell with your sympathetic bullshit! "You finally got what you wanted!" I yell into his shoulder. "He broke my heart!! Oh, god..." Sob after heavy sob, my mind whirls from all the confusion of the moment. Now I have to do the impossible:

Move on.

What do I do now? I calculate that I have to cut off ties with that family. My heartrate increases; I've gotten so close to that family. His mother's like a second mom to me and his sister's my best friend. To leave them now...

Dad pats my back as I cry, mumbling gibberish I can't even understand. I believe that it was about the pain and mixed feelings of it all. I've only been through one serious break-up before David...a couple of years back...and Kenneth handled it for both of us...

Dad suggests we go out for ice cream to get my mind off of this. I comply weakly, my willpower completely gone and go to the bathroom to wash my face. The ice cold water on my face hurts and stings, but any physical pain is better than my chest sore and aching.

Tiffany, David's sister, calls my cell phone.

"What happened?" She asks softly. I can hear the burr in her voice- it's like she's almost afraid to know.

"What do you think? David broke it off." I growl, throwing a bottle of face wash at the wall. Clatter and clunk into the bathtub. I pace around my mother's room, too anger, hurt and vunerable to stay still and think.

"Cathy...it'll be okay. Really." Tiffany sounds like she's about to cry.

"Why are you so sad?" I ask, madly pacing still. A sniffle is my reply.

"All I wanted was for David to be happy..." A mew of a cry. "God, if I had known it was going to end like this, I would have never let you two be together." Silence. "I envy you...at least you have the feelings you do about this. I don't think even David was expecting this from you." I blink.

"He expected me to be okay with this?"

"Well, I'm sure he didn't think you would get so sad and angry. He just came into the house and went to his room. I think he was crying..." I scoff. The beast who had no heart for my feelings and just tried to break it off casually might be crying?

"Cathy...just promise me not to do anything stupid..." I think about it, fingering a knife and scraping it across my wrist.

"I can't promise that." I say, slamming the cell phone on the tile. It cracks the screen and hangs up. "Never can I promise that."

-XOXO-

Tomorrow morning comes and I walk across the school campus, my lonely heart crying out for some affection. Who could I go to? Up the walk, I see Ginger walking and I call to her, running into her arms when she turns around to hug me.

She pets my hair. "What's wrong?" The mother in her comes out and it's stronger than I've ever felt it.

"David broke up with me...we're over, Ginger..." Ginger gasps softly and tightens her hold on me.

"Oh, Cathy..." She bundles up my neck and takes my arm, leading me to the cafeteria and asking "yes-and-no" questions. I just nod and shake my head, visions of David dancing around my thoughts. He's on my mind and I can hear the little girl in me who was addicted to his loving nature call for him again. And so, I say to myself, the hauntings begin...

-XOXO-

As soon as I see Creepy Tiffany, Joe and Blake, I collapse in a chair and lay my head on the table, letting it all out. Creepy Tiffany inquires about me to Ginger and Ginger says what I told her. Gasps of shock sound from all around me. What, was my shame now public for the whole world to know?! I raise my head and look at Joe. The hard-hearted Joe, who barely even cares for his own family, actually looks...sorry for me. Blake sighs and joins in with the girls in hugging me.

"Man...Cathy, you don't need him." Well, I'll be hearing this for awhile-might as well get prepared for it early. "He didn't know what he was giving up." That phrase will be said thousands of times over the next couple of months... "It'll be hard, but you need to move on. And you DON'T need a man to do that." For some reason, a small shimmer of hope shines within my heart. Maybe he's right; maybe I'll find someone just as great as him or 300 times as better.

And it dies when young. Matt comes over and Ginger softly tells him what happened. He shakes his head.

"You see this?" He gestures to the other people around the table to look at me. "This is the result of attactment." He chuckles sadly and comes around to pat my shoulder. "This is what happens when you fall in love." The table is dead silent. "The rise and fall," he concludes. "of a power couple."

You have no idea how hard I fell, buddy.

NOTE: Well, I feel it's time for me to move on from David, so I felt the need to start writing about what's been happening with our relationship and get a second opinion. This is a true story of me and my struggle with moving on from my first love. All dialouge is true; feelings were- and still might be- true. Laugh at me if you will, but I need to get this out- this is for ME. I need the world to know what love can do to someone who's totally unprepared for handling it. I'm just one story. Sympathy or not, I'm writing this. I accept reviews, comments, flames, whatever.

Thanks so much for reading.

XOXO BFQ