"Could we talk for a minute?" "No, I don't think so." "Is the sky sapphire or cobalt blue?" "Does it really matter?" "I was just wondering because mommy used to say that everything had to be in its rightful place, and that every decision had to made in harmony for the world to be at peace, but nobody can make up their mind about what color the sky is." "Do you know what you're talking about?" "Not really." "Then leave me alone, kid."

I stutter when I read and stumble over words that are relatively easy. I cannot pronounce "ie" without having to instantly refer back to the rule that when there are two vowels in a row the first one is used in its capital form. My English/Reading teacher sees this as a sign of a learning disability and insists that I spend time after school so that I can be up to par with the rest of the class.

Dad sees it as proof that he raised a stupid child. Unless he's in an alcoholic stupor, which limits his mental capacity, he emphasizes each syllable of a word like I have a speech impediment in dire need of correcting. I do not remind him that the trouble frequents my reading -not my ability to hold an intelligent conversation that is at least somewhat relevant to my age group.

He and my older brother Aaron both consider it a character flaw that makes acquiring knowledge improbable. But I do not have to read Nietzshe or Plato for my eyes to be able to see what is going on. I do not have to witness Aaron being beaten to know that it happens. Even if he tries to portray himself as tough and unfeeling, he cannot deny turning off his lamp after a pair of footsteps has left his room and stomped down the hall.

"Stomp down the walls
while your victim lies howling
tears do not fall without a dastardly song to sing.

And if you realize
you have become what you feared,
would you apologize for we've faced it for years?"

He sits across from me the morning after he hurt me and stares glumly into his coffee. He convinces himself that his secret is well-hidden, the bruises aren't in plain sight, but he has ultimately dismissed the fact that I have been through a similar pain.

After all, I now have two abusers.