15

“Ciao Mama.” Gavin kissed his mother.

“Oh, Gavie. It’s so good to see you.”

“You haven’t called me Gavie in years.”

“Well, you look like you need a bit of comforting. You don’t look like you’re getting enough sleep, baby. Come sit down and eat.”

“That’s okay Mom. I’m not hungry.”

Luisa gave him a hurt look. “Oh, how could you say that to your own mother?!”

“Fine, I’ll have a plate.” Luisa clapped her hands together and went into the kitchen. She returned with a plate topped with a towering slice of tiramisu. Gavin’s jaw dropped but he knew better than to refuse it. She sat beside him and watched as he ate a small spoonful.

“Is Dad home?”

“No. He’s out playing golf with the guys.”

Gavin felt relieved but only briefly. “So, you’re at home by yourself, Mom?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m used to it by now. Anyways,” Luisa grinned, “How’s you and Sydney?”

Gavin looked down at the leaning tower of tiramisu in front of him. “It didn’t work out.”

Luisa gasped. “What do you mean? Did you…?”

“Yeah I proposed but…she said no.”

“Oh, Gavin!” She lovingly ran a hand along his cheek and then smoothed back his hair. “I don’t understand! Was it because she wasn’t ready? Too young?”

“No. She doesn’t want to have kids.”

“Oh.” Luisa thought for a moment.

“What?” Gavin noticed his Mom’s thoughtful expression.

“Nothing. It’s just that I can understand where she’s coming from.”

“Really?” Gavin said surprised.

“Yes. I mean I love you and all but you were a piece of work! Oh, you were such a cute baby!” She pinched his cheek and he smiled and rolled his eyes. “I remember when you were a baby and you always had this diaper rash and it would go from your left butt cheek to your right cheek and back again. And I could never quite figure out what to do to stop it.”

“Mom! Could we please get back to the subject?”

“Oh, but the rash went away. Didn’t it sweetie? It sure did. Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes, babies are a lot of work. Plus, they aren’t babies forever; unfortunately they become teenagers with hormones all over the place who don’t tell you what they really want and get upset when you don’t give it to them and suddenly you have to knock before you enter their rooms! Then they’re holed up in their bedrooms but they want to know why they feel so lonely! Son, it’s hard work, parenting, and a guilty job. I feel bad everyday about the mistakes I made raising you.”

“Mom, you’ve always been wonderful.”

“Thanks but you don’t have to lie to me, honey. I’ve made my mistakes. I was too harsh on you in some situations and other times I should have been less of a pushover. And when they had to put you on that medication last year,” Luisa’s eyes began to water.

“It’s not your fault. I had issues that had nothing to do with you. I’m not even on medication anymore. I haven’t been on it since…since I’ve been seeing Sydney or was seeing Sydney.”

“But those thoughts you had about yourself, the way you put yourself down all the time. That didn’t come from nowhere.”

“And it didn’t come from you either. It came from Dad.”

Luisa was quiet a moment. “Your dad means well. In his own mind he did what he had to do, however hard it may have been for you, in order for you to be the best.”

“Well his best is an impossible standard to meet. Don’t you remember all those times he’d make me clean the whole house when I wouldn’t place at my track meets, trying to emasculate me? Remember how he said I deserved to get on my hands and knees like the bitch I was and scrub until I was a winner? Until I was a man? You were there. You helped me pretend to be sick sometimes so I wouldn't have to go to a meet and disappoint Dad again. But he accused me of not being man enough to go to the meet anyways. And the things he said about Sydney?”

“I know,” Luisa lowered her head. “I didn’t know how to both stay loyal to my husband and contradict him to protect my son. I wish I had been stronger so that I could’ve saved you from some of his anger. You see? You see how the sins of the parents are laid upon the children?” Luisa sniffled.

“You couldn’t have possibly protected me from everything. You had work and you had to keep the house together. You’re only human, Mom.”

“So is your father,” Luisa pointed out.

Gavin reluctantly admitted to himself that simple fact.

“Your father…it’s hard for him too. He had it so bad when he was younger. So bad! I wish he could tell you and share with you what happened to him. He had no father. He had a monster. Then maybe you could understand. But, even then, your sadness is still there. We never quite get over what our parents’ issues were and then we pass the burden on to our children. I don’t want to scare you, Gavie. Having kids is an absolutely beautiful thing. I would love to have some grandchildren running around here! But you have to think about what you think would make you happy and what would truly make you happy. Si’?”

“Si’.”

“Luisa! I’m home!”

Luisa and Gavin looked at each other. “I’m in the dining room, Daniel!” Luisa yelled. “Gavin’s here!” Mr. Caselle walked into the room and Gavin stood up from the table.

“Hi Dad.”

Mr. Caselle nodded in response.

“Can I talk to you in your office?”

Wordlessly Mr. Caselle turned around and headed for his office with Gavin following. He sat down in the big leather chair behind his desk and stared at his son. He noticed the dark shadows under his eyes; the green eyes Gavin had gotten from his mother Luisa. He wanted to ask him what was wrong but he couldn’t form the right words. His frustration with expressing something so simple with his son just made him feel angry.

“Dad, I want you to know that I want to marry Sydney. I love her with everything in me. Things between her and I are rocky right now but they’ll get better if I figure some things out on my end. That includes understanding you. I know I told you I don’t care what you think or what you say, but I do. Papa, you can’t possibly mean all those things you say. Why can’t you see me happy and just let it be?”

“Being happy for a moment isn’t good enough. You need to be happy from now into the future. If you want to be happy in this world you have to be a winner at what you do. You’re doing good at that advertisement firm, I give you credit for that, but you don’t have a winning attitude! You let these girls walk all over you and turn you into a blubbering mess who needs to take pills to be normal!”

“I’m not on the pills anymore.”

“Well, good for you.”

“Where do you think my attitude comes from? Was I born to think I was insignificant if I wasn’t on top of my game? I was genetically configured to call myself every name in the book until I was sure I knew I was worthless and wrong? I was made this way? To become a mad man when I lost? To get down on my hands and knees and punish myself when I didn’t get first prize? Dad, where do you think that came from?”

Daniel was silent.

“Dad,” Gavin paused, “I got it from you. You taught me to think this way. And did it work, Dad? Does it look like its working?” he said as the tears fell down his face. “I’m crying right now and all I want to do is hit myself! I hate myself for being human and for being imperfect. Sydney’s not talking to me…Do I look like a winner to you?! Is this what you had in mind?!”

“No.” Daniel said quickly, looking away from his crying son.

“That’s all I wanted to hear."

Gavin wiped the tears from his face and took a deep breath. He wondered if when he had children they’d be crying to him too when they got older and feeling the way he was feeling now; almost thirty years old and still crying over what happened when he was a child. He wouldn’t wish this hurt on anyone. "I just hope that you can understand that what you say is only hurting me, not toughening me up, not making me a winner or making me happy. And I want you to know that I love you, Dad.”

Gavin’s dad looked at his son across the desk. He felt a huge pain in his chest, words trying to come out, but as usual he pushed them down. Gavin nodded and left his father’s office.

“So? How did it go?”

“I think he understands now, Mom.”

“Oh that’s great! He loves you so much. Do you know that, Gavie?”

“I guess.”

“My only son.” Luisa kissed him on both cheeks. “Tell me you’re going to find a way to talk to Sydney.”

“I need to think about things some more, but you’re right. Making a child happy, trying to make another human being happy in this world is so hard.”

“Gavin,” called a deep voice. Luisa and Gavin turned to find Mr. Caselle standing there with his hands behind his back and his feet apart reminiscent of a soldier. He walked, slowly, towards his wife and son. Gavin tensed as his father drew closer and Luisa, standing beside him, squeezed on his arm. Daniel locked eyes with Gavin and Gavin watched as his father’s shoulders slumped and his face softened. “I love you, son.”

Gavin was stunned. The last time he’d heard his father this emotionally available he had been six years old with a horrible stomach flu that had landed him in the hospital. Gavin was even more stunned when his father grabbed him into a firm hug. Slowly Gavin raised his arms and hugged back. He couldn’t take the smile off of his face when his father said, “I apologize for everything I’ve said and done wrong and I’m sorry for what I said about Sydney. She’s a good girl. You have my blessing.”

“Hello Hannah.”

“Hiya Sydney,” Hannah winked.

Sydney cringed as she swiped Hannah’s usual questionable items across the scanner and to the new bag boy. His name was Josh and he was very nice for a sixteen year old with a metal mouth and unfortunate acne. Josh was smart though, so Sydney appreciated that he could talk her through some of her college math assignments between customers. Plus, Sydney and he were the only black people who worked at Dennison’s so it was cool. It was a momentary distraction from her heartbreak.

She had been feeling better lately. She still couldn't sleep but she was getting used to the physical symptoms of her grief. She hardly noticed the soreness of her limbs and her eyes now stayed dry because she was all cried out. Sydney watched as Hannah’s short attention span went from a candy bar, to examining her nails, to smiling devilishly at a can of whipped topping she was buying, to looking at Josh.

“Hello sexy bag boy. You’re new aren’t you? I’ve never seen you here before?”

Josh was flabbergasted.

“I see that your name is Josh. Hi Josh, I’m Hannah. What do you do for fun?”

“Um, homework?” Josh looked over at Sydney with wide pleading eyes.

Sydney watched as Ho-ish Hannah’s hand went up to squeeze Josh’s skinny bicep. “It must take a strong boy to lift all these heavy groceries all day.”

Josh squirmed away from her grasp and pushed the bridge of his glasses up. Sydney watched in horror as Hannah moved closer and closer to Josh, the floatation devices on her chest threatening to run into him. Sydney reached over and smacked Hannah hard on the shoulder.

“Owww!”

“Sorry Hannah…Thought I saw a bug or a mosquito, or something.” Sydney struggled to stop herself from laughing. It was the first time in a while that she truly felt like laughing.

Hannah glared and rolled her eyes at Sydney while rubbing at the red handprint on her shoulder. Then she turned back to Josh. “So, what are you doing later?”

“Uh, Ma’am, I’m sixteen years old.” Josh protested.

“And…?”

“And I’m not interested,” he said quickly.

Hannah raised an eyebrow. “Oh.” She paid for her groceries and angrily pushed her cart out of the store.

Sydney laughed and gave Josh a high-five. “That was hilarious! And…I’m not interested!” Sydney impersonated Josh.

Josh laughed. “Sorry, I thought I saw a mosquito,” Josh repeated. Even though Sydney was being silly with Josh, in the back of her mind she was thinking of all the times she'd laughed with Gavin. They went on making fun of Hannah until Josh saw a customer approach. “Okay, Sydney. Customer.”

Sydney turned. “Gavin!” Before Sydney could get another word out Gavin leaned over the counter and kissed her. Josh made a wolf whistle. Sydney didn’t hear it. She was on a higher plane of existence, that’s how good the kiss was. When they broke away Sydney was crying. She’d missed him so much. “You’re going to get me fired,” Sydney blubbered. She had thought she was all cried out, but maybe it was the sad tears that had run out. These tears were pure happiness.

She noticed the darkness under Gavin's tired eyes. His eyes were tired but he gave her his beautiful smile. His smile alone could make her weak in the knees. He hadn't been getting much sleep either. Then, he felt the same way, she thought. Just like her, he'd felt like a piece was missing. Maybe he did need her after all. Maybe she really was right for him, though she made her mistakes, and they were right together. Gavin grinned. Then he ran around to the other side of the register where Sydney was standing and got down on one knee. “Oh no!” Sydney cried into her hands which were over her mouth.

Gavin pulled out the ring from his pocket. It was a three stoned platinum engagement ring with princess-cut diamonds. The one from the first time. “I’m going to try this again,” Gavin chuckled, “Sydney I love you and I want to live the rest of my life with you. I don’t care about the white picket fence and the 2.5 children. I understand now and I don’t need that. Please, Sydney. Marry me.”

“Gavin, are you sure? You want a family! You should have that!”

“We could have a hamster, or a dog or something. I don’t care!”

Sydney laughed through her tears.

“All I need is you, Sydney. All I want is you. Please say yes.”

Sydney paused, searching Gavin’s eyes to be sure he was telling the truth, trying to find a reason to say no. She couldn’t. She was scared out of her mind and nervous but that's how it is. Love feels crazy and it feels right, all at the same time. He's done his best to keep every promise, every pinky promise they'd made. He'd offered his shoulders to bear some of her worries from the beginning and he was sure where she found herself scared and unsure. He's never left her. He's never lied to her. He said she was all he wanted and that was the truth. He loved her. He loved her. What more could she ask for? What more was there to know? What the hell else was there to think over? Seriously!

“Yes,” Sydney breathed. “Yes, I’ll marry you!”

Gavin slid the ring on her finger, stood up and hugged Sydney tight. After many sweet kisses, they walked out of the store arm in arm with Josh seeing them off, caroling the wedding march.

“Yes Mom, it’s beautiful down here. Gavin and I are having a great time…No, I haven’t seen any thugs hanging around the resort.” Gavin laughed from where he was standing in the bathroom combing his hair in the mirror. “I know tourists are targets. I promise we’ll be careful…Yes Mom…Mom? I think Liz is calling on the other line. I’ll call you back later, okay?...I love you too. Bye. Hello?...Hey girl!...What? No! I can’t tell you the details. Gavin’s standing two feet away from me!...No!...I’m not telling you that right now!...Okay fine! Last night was, um, really really good. Ha ha!...Oh, it is so beautiful down here in Montego Bay, Liz. There are sand dollars everywhere!...Okay. Let me go back to enjoying my honeymoon, already!...Love you. Tell Evan and Sara I said hi….Okay, I will. Bye.”

I hung up the phone. “Liz and Mom said hi,” I called to the bathroom.

“Okay,” Gavin replied. "Sooo, I was really really good last night?" the smile in his voice carried into the bedroom.

I smiled and took a deep breath as memories of our wedding night came to mind. I walked through the French doors and outside. I stepped around the Jacuzzi that was part of our honeymoon suite. I went over to the Hibiscus bush and picked the prettiest orange and pink flower. It would match my pink coral halter dress.

I placed the flower behind my ear and smiled as I looked out at the view of the pristine white sand and the water, blue and green like some precious gem. I dreamed about this not so long ago. It seemed a silly immature daydream then. Already I was living a dream. How freakin' amazing is that!

I went back into the room and tied the cowry shell necklace around my neck and slipped my anklet on, the one made of tiny bells. I looked into the big mirror on the white bamboo dresser and saw Gavin come up behind me.

Gavin kissed me on the shoulder. “Are you ready to go walk on the beach?”

I met his green eyes in the mirror and nodded. “I like that hat. You should let me borrow it some time,” I smiled. Gavin was wearing a straw fedora with a black band around it that looked great on him because of his black hair. His green shirt was completely unbuttoned, his torso exposed. I turned around and slid my hands down the smooth warm skin of his firm torso and around into the back pockets of his khaki shorts. I pulled him close.

“Are you hungry?” Gavin said after giving me a kiss.

“I could eat.”

“Let’s go to the Beach Grill.”

I detached myself from him, grabbed my camera and slipped on my flip flops and we headed out the door. The two of us walked down the sandy shore to the bar and grill, me picking up sand dollars every once in a while and Gavin sneaking glances and kisses every once in a while. The restaurant was painted a tropical green color, had a palm grass thatched roof and inside people were eating, enjoying drinks, and dancing to the reggae music. We decided to join in and do some dancing as well.

“Excuse me,” I called to a passing waitress, “Could you take some pictures of us dancing, please?”

“No problem,” said the waitress with her smooth Jamaican accent. I handed the camera to the waitress. The camera flashed as Gavin and I danced close, smiling at each other, my arms around his neck and his arms around my waist. Gavin grinned, put a hand up on top of his straw fedora, leaned in and kissed me, his wife Sydney. The brilliant light of the camera flashed again.

FIN