Please leave a message after the beep.

Beep.

“What are you doing?”

“…”

“…well?”

“Have you ever noticed the clouds look further away if you don’t look directly at them?”

“…Are you high or something?”

Beep.

Welcome to the Mental Heath Hotline.

“No… I’m just weird.”

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press the 1 button repeatedly.

“I can see that…”

If you are Co-Dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

“…Hey,”

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

“What?”

If you are Paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

“Have you ever fallen asleep thinking about me?”

If you are Delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

“What? What the Hell are you talking about?”

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

“Have you?”

If you are Depressive it doesn’t matter which number you press, no-one will answer you.

“…No…”

If you are Dyslexic, press 69696969.

“Well, I guess I can’t say we have something mutual going on there.”

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

“…are you sure you’re not high?”

If you have a Short-Term Memory Loss please try your call again later.

“No. I’m just tired of listening to the dial tone.”

And if you have Low Self-Esteem, hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

“Aren’t we all?”

We’re sorry. Your call has been lost. Please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and go kill yourself.

Click.

-+-

MHC: If your thoughts are askew, please read and review. If you feel I’m to blame, just click back and don’t flame.

Plzkthanx.