Some of these are pretty old... like from The Producers. I was going through old texts I'd overheard and sent myself.

1401

Random kid in hallway: Water is the cheapest substance on Earth, besides shit.

1402

Justin: He wants to tie my shoes, but he already has on his tight penguin suit.

Kirk: Go… fuck yourself.

1403

Eliza: I had my phone sitting on my cat, and she didn't even notice the new text when it jiggled her pudge.

1404

Eliza: I just debated femininity with two gay men.

1405

(adlib during The Producers)

Jason (Roger deBries) : Don't mind her, somebody just dropped a house on her sister.

1406

Actor: Fire in the hole, fire in the hole!

Other actor: Not unless you had spicy food last night.

1407

Kid on the bus: I don't like you because I don't like you.

1408

Jenny: Good luck getting it back in there, it's really hard.

Me: That's what he said!

1409

Eliza: There is nothing more wise than watching Disney movies all night.

1410

Eliza: Best quote of the night – "Dude, your fingers just went up my crack."

1411

Me: Wait, you're actually agreeing with someone?

Meagan: …WE AREN'T FRIENDS ANYMORE.

1412

Zack: I'm just gonna text Caitlin that I like sex.

1413

Marco: You son of a bitch.

Me: I'm not a son.

1414

Eve: I never saw the end of Juno. What happens?

Hannah: They all die!

Meagan (almost simultaneously) : They're all Canadian!

1415

Guy on the bus: I was in the cootie stage until at least 5th grade.

1416

Emily: There is a Wii beer pong game. I don't even know how that would work.

Me: That's hilarious! After a few games the players probably end up throwing the remote into the beer cups.

Emily: Seriously! It's so stupid. Very anti-social.

Me: Maybe it's for people who don't have enough friends for a real game. But that would be really sad.

Emily: Yeah I know. They have to invent friends to play party games. It's like their only social life.

Me: I guess at least they try? Better to play virtual beer pong with virtual friends than with, say, your pet rock. Or worse, pet ping pong ball.

Emily: Very true! That would be too "Castaway" for me.

Me: WILSON!

1417

Uncle Michael: Oh, God, that's moist.

(that's what she said. Or he. Or both!)

1418

(Hannah and I look nothing alike, so we decided we're identical twins)

Me: Happy Thanksgiving, my dear identical twin!

Hannah: A very happy Thanksgiving to you too! My word, if we looked any more similar to each other, we'd practically be the same person!

1419

Me: What's that smell?

Dad: Issaquah.

1420

Me: Do you remember "That is a nice boulder"? I just heard someone say that in almost exactly the same tone, but about a broom.

1421

Aunt Patty: Steve! Turkey carving time! And I mean the bird, not anybody else.

1422

Aunt Patty: I have half a cow in the freezer.

Mom: Is it alive?

1423

Me: I find it funny that bro is both a good and bad thing. I could be a nerd and apply "1984" to it, but I'll spare you this time.

1424

Jenny: I can only put it up when it's wet.

Me: That's what he said!

1425

(during a play rehearsal – to the Sultan)

Mary: How do you do, Satan?