Chapter Seven

The next afternoon, I didn’t have to work and I wasn’t a prisoner of the house by means of babysitting – Ron was home with the girls while my mother was out at her yoga class – so I was free to do as I pleased.

I checked the city bus schedule on my computer in my bedroom before heading downstairs. Lacey and Alexa were in the kitchen, though Ron was not. Alexa squealed when she saw me, from her highchair. Lacey offered me a bite of her pizza she was eating.

“No, thanks, I’m not hungry,” I replied. “Where’s dad?”

“He’s outside talking to Mr. Hessler,” Lacey told me, proud of herself for knowing. “He’s said ‘eat your pizza, I’ll be right back’.” She tried to imitate Ron, which made me laugh.

“All right, well come give me a hug and kiss,” I told her then, holding open my arms.

She dropped the slice of pizza onto her plate and scooted off her chair, soon walking towards me. She hugged me, but was already asking the expected question.

“Where you going?”

“Just out. But I probably won’t be back tonight, that’s all,” I told her.

“Okay. Don’t forget to hug and kiss Lexa, too,” Lacey finished, already back to eating her pizza.

I smiled. “I won’t.”

Outside, Ron was in fact in the front yard, talking to Mr. Hessler, the neighbour from next-door. They stopped talking as I approached them.

“Oh, Summer, are you leaving?” Ron wanted to know right away.

“Yeah, for the night,” I told him, knowing I’d be gone for longer than that.

“Oh, okay. I guess I should get back inside,” Ron said, more to the neighbour than to me. “Have a fun night, kiddo,” he finished.

A fun night, I repeated the words in my head as I walked away from the house, looking back for one last time. The walk to the bus stop seemed long, and the bus ride even longer.

It was a busy time of day on the highway, going out to the edge of the city again. The roads were filled with cars, filled with people on their way home from work, or school. Going home to their families or the people who they care about.

I felt complete deja vu as I walked towards the bridge, starting up one side of it. And suddenly there I was again, in the same situation as just weeks previous. Except this time there was no one to stop me. Or so I thought.

My cell phone began to ring just as I went forward, and my toes edged off of the bridge. The ringing began too distracting to ignore so I stepped back and pulled out the phone from the back pocket of my jeans.

How did he know where I was and what I was about to do? How did he manage to do it again?

“Summer.” Jake’s voice bounced into my ear. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I told him, not saying anything else.

“I was wondering if you wanted to get together tonight, you know, go for a coffee again, or something?” Jake went on, sounding rather cheerful.

“Uh, I’m actually busy,” I said, and the irony was so disgusting I could have thrown up.

“Oh, are you working? I could come by and pick you when you’re off –“

“No, I’m not working. I’m just… busy,” I repeated.

“Oh, okay. How about tomorrow? I mean, I just really wanted to get together… we could talk about things, or just hang out –“

“I’m not going to be around tomorrow.” Literally.

“Okay, sorry. I just thought…” His voice trailed off.

Now I’d hurt his feelings, and I knew it. “Don’t apologize, alright? I’m the one who should be sorry,” I told him.

“Nah,” Jake seemed calm again. “How about this? When you have some time, you give me a call?”

At least this would let me get off the phone now.

“Okay,” I said, looking down off the bridge.

“Okay, good,” Jake finished.

To my disbelief, even before I hung up with Jake, I heard a beep in my ear. It was my call waiting. As I clicked over to the other line, I wasn’t expecting what came next.

“Summer! I need you to come over!” Jem yelled in my ear.

I didn’t say anything. All I could do was stare out off the edge of the bridge, in a whole other word entirely.

“Summer?” Jen said again.

“Uh, yeah… what?” I asked, barely holding my cell phone to my ear and not listening at all.

“What are you doing? Can you come over?” she asked, now sounding concerned.

“Uh, I can’t. Sorry,” I replied.

“Why? It’s important. My mom is –“

“Jem, I can’t, okay?” I snapped.

“Oh, okay. Well –“

“I have to go,” I interrupted, already closing my cell, ending the call.

Taking a deep breath in, I knew it was now or never – for real this time. If I didn’t go through with it now, I would never be able to take myself seriously. I would be just a fraud. My legs were shaking. My mind was racing with questions. Did I really want to do this? Is this worth hurting my family and friends? Was I just being selfish? My feet were on the edge once again; if I only leaned a little bit forward I would have fallen and been gone forever.

But in fact I couldn’t bring myself to do it, no matter how much I wanted to. I really did want to jump, so I could be wherever J.D. and my father were. But at that moment I realized that I wasn’t like J.D., or my father. I didn’t have the strength – or the guts – to take my own life, even though my heart was filled with the leftover pain from the death of my father and best friend.

I stayed up there on the bridge for hours. It was peaceful, calm and exactly how I’d wanted my last time on this earth to be. But since I’d decided that I couldn’t jump – I wouldn’t. I thought about J.D. and wondered if he was happier now, wherever he was. I knew he probably was. I wondered if he knew how unhappy I was now.

It was dark by the time I got on the bus again, but I didn’t know what time it was. I called Jem back but it went straight to her voicemail. I left a quick message, feeling like the worst friend in the world for being a bitch to her earlier. The bus was empty beside myself and one other person, who was sitting at the very back. I thanked the driver and got off the bus a few blocks early. I felt like walking.

It was after eight o’clock by the time I got back to my neighbourhood. It was surreal being there – once again – because I was so sure that I’d never see it again. In a way, I was glad because I felt like I was possibly going to start moving forward in my life – instead of being stuck, mourning my losses. But what was I moving onto?

I didn’t have an education; I barely made enough at Spinners to live off of, if it wasn’t for my mom and Ron giving me a place to stay and food in my stomach. My mother still didn’t know that I had dropped out of college. And now I would have to tell her. And then I’d have to tell her why.

It was all I could do to not think about how that was going to go down as I walked up the front lawn of my mother’s house. Her SUV was in the driveway and Ron’s car was parked on the street.

I guess they weren’t expecting me because my mom looked surprised when I entered the house and into the kitchen.

“Summer!” she exclaimed, “Where have you been?”

“Uh, I told Ron that I was going out for the night,” I said.

“I tried calling you a few times. I assumed you’d be with Jem, and when she called here and asked if I could go over there –“

“What? What happened?” I interrupted.

“Her mother had a severe heart attack this afternoon, right in front of Jem and her sister. Jem said –“

“She called me. I told her I was too busy. I didn’t even let her tell me what happened…” My heart sank instantly.

My mom looked shocked and disappointed. “Where were you?”

“It’s not important. I have to go be with Jem,” I said, now getting frantic.

“She and Isabelle are at the hospital. I went over and took them. I guess their dad was…” My mom didn’t know what to say.

“He’s never around. He doesn’t care,” I snapped.

“Now Summer, you don’t have to be rude.”

She was right, and I knew it. I wouldn’t usually snap about how bad a father Jem’s was, but I was angry – mostly just with myself for not being around for Jen when she needed me. And now what good would I be, showing up hours later to apologize?

“Summer?” my mom asked, obviously trying to get my attention.

“Yeah?” I finally looked up at her.

“You can take my car to the hospital,” she told me.

After thanking her and changing into jeans and a sweater shirt, I left the house again. The SUV was like a sauna – it was a reasonable warm evening and the interior of the vehicle was black leather. The steering wheel was hot against my palms as I gripped it, backing out of the driveway.

The drive to the hospital brought me back to a place where I didn’t want to be. All the memories of the day J.D.’s mom called my cell, crying, saying I had to get to the hospital right away flowed back into my head. That day I hated that hospital and the road that took me to it. I didn’t want to sit next to that hospital bed where my best friend’s lifeless body lay. Technically he was still alive, they were keeping him on life support until we could all say goodbye.

This drive felt similar, though this time all I could think about was Jem and how I’d blown her off because I was too selfish to hear her out. And now I was worried about whether she’d be able to forgive me.

“Summer!” Jem’s 14-year-old sister Isabelle saw me first, as I sat in the lobby waiting to hear something, anything.

“Isabelle,” I said, standing up.

“Oh Summer, Jem’s going to be so glad you’re here. I just came out to try calling our dad… again,” Isabelle said.

“Where’s Jem?” I wanted to know.

“In the room with Mom,” Isabelle replied, picking up the receiver of the pay phone behind me.

She put the receiver to her ear, dropped the change in and dialled, then waited. I could hear it ringing, over and over, from a few feet away. When she gave up, she dropped the receiver back down and looked embarrassed.

I said nothing except, “Let’s go see Jem.”

Isabelle led me all the way out of the lobby, through the doors and down a long hallway. When we got to the room, I took in a deep breath.

I was not good with hospitals. Spending a week, alone, in the hospital with my dying father, when I was eighteen was one of the worst experiences of my life. Then, barely a year later, I sat next to my best friend for eight hours as he lay, already gone yet still technically alive, because I didn’t want to believe that he was really dead. Nothing good ever happens in hospitals. From my experience, people die, and I’m just left more alone than before.

“Oh my god, Summer, I’m so glad you’re here,” Jem said immediately when she saw me.

I walked over and hugged Jem harder than I ever had before.

“I’m so sorry that I –“

“It doesn’t matter. Thank you for coming,” she told me, interrupting.