The lost and often misunderstood diary of Katherine Sommerset, mother of the fate child, at age seventeen.

June 6, 1984

Summer’s finally here. My last summer as a high school student. This time next year, I’ll be graduated and hopefully headed off to college. I totally doesn’t know if I can go to college or not. Whatever, I’ve got a while to decide. I am not gonna let worrying about college turn this summer into a bummer. Oh god, I just rhymed. Shoot me.

Mark Giamatti is still chasing me. I don’t know why. He totally stalked me down to the bus stop yesterday when classes finished. I tried to get rid of him without being a total jerk. I don’t get why he likes me. And it really sucks because his best friend is dating my best friend, so there’s all this double date pressure and crap. At least I think they’re still dating. All Lisa does anymore is complain about her relationship. He’s a nice guy- Mark, I mean- and pretty much a total stud too. But maybe if he didn’t skip class to smoke pot behind the stadium… I don’t wanna be with a total pothead. Once in a while is fine. I mean, even I do it now and then, but there’s a time and place for everything.

June 7

Great. Now in addition to Mark, Simon is after me again. I shoulda never made it with Simon- that’s the whole reason these guys are after me probably, because they think I give it up easy. Yeah right. I only made it with Simon after we’d been together for like three months, and that was totally my first time, and I haven’t done it with anyone else ever. I try not to be a slut, or even to seem like one- especially with my family history. The women in my family have a history of getting pregnant at pretty young ages. My mom had me at 20, and her mom was 18 when my mom was born. And apparently it continues way back. I think that, like, a couple hundred years ago it would be considered lucky or a blessing to be so fertile or something. But now, I just try to be careful. I really got freaked out by going all the way with Simon. Simon of all people! But he was just really good with his hands and made it hard to resist. I really only regreat it now because some guys think I’m a slut- that and Simon breaking up with me because I wouldn’t do it again. Sure, before we did anything, it was all like “I’ll wait forever for you, babe,” and seriously I think he might have if I hadn’t eventually caved. We were together a few more times after that, but then I started to get worried about him plowing my totally fertile soil so I said no more, and he broke up with me. I wasn’t even too heartbroken about it. I was never really too attached to any of my boyfriends. Only Simon and my first boyfriend Steve in the seventh grade were the only ones who ever said they loved me, but I never really felt anything too strongly for them. And now I think maybe Simon did love me after all, since he’s back around and knows that I won’t be giving anything up to him.

I woke up at noon and the phone was ringing and it was Simon. He wanted to meet me later tonight. I told him I’d call him back after I decided. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll call Lisa and see what she thinks. She’s my girl-talk authority for all this stuff. I don’t know though. I don’t think she likes me calling her for just advice. I know, I’ll call Simon, say maybe later this week, then call Lisa and just hang out with her for a while, and eventually bring up Simon, maybe on, like, Saturday or something. I don’t know, I don’t think I want to be with Simon. I should find someone I like. Someone I can see myself marrying then not killing. But I don’t know what I want in a guy. Not Simon- that’s all I know.

June 8, 3 AM

So I called Lisa. And apparently she and Tom split up right before classes ended on Wednesday. So no longer do I have to feel guilty about rejecting Mark- Tom’s best friend. Lisa and I are both free to look now. Oh shit! Just looking over what I wrote earlier today—well, yesterday now, since it’s past midnight—I totally forgot to call Simon. Oh well, screw that. I had fun tonight. Sort of. Lisa and I found a party down on Oakland street. One of her friend’s, friend’s cousins or something. That’s one thing I love about living in a college town- there are constantly parties that we can go to. I did my usual ‘pretend to get drunk until I find the quiet room where the intellectuals are smoking pot.’ I don’t get high like I used to. It seems like it takes more, plus I smoke a lot less. Like, that was, two hours ago and I’m not even feeling it at all anymore. I only took like two hits. I’m pretty proud of myself. I don’t want to be a total pothead before I turn 20.

The cops came and broke the party up about a half hour ago- but Lisa and I were long gone by then. I usually can tell when these things are about to pop, and I drag her out about fifteen minutes before it gets threatening to our permanent records.. Probably why Lisa drags me along. God I’m dead tied now. Totally not used to staying up kinda late.

Friday June 8, 4 pm

Mom woke me up and said Simon was on the phone. I answered and said NO and that was that.

7:28 pm

Lisa wants to go out again tonight. I told her no too.

10:52

Crap, there’s a party right down the street that Lisa’s at. I can’t resist. Plus she’ll get in trouble if I’m not there

June 9, 8 pm

Went out

Didn’t drink anything

Had to pry Lisa away from making out with some college guy

Then he tried to fight me but his cute friend pulled him away

I brought Lisa home and let her sleep in the guest room police sirens down the street a few minutes after I tucked her in, sick of playing babysitting

NOT NOT NOT NOT going out tonight

June 10, 11 am

Didn’t go out last night. Simon and Mark not heard from at all.

Today is a good day.

June 16

I kind of want to get a summer job or something. To help save up for college. Maybe work at the Dairy Korner- that’s where Lisa worked last summer and during the school year. But my mom advised me against it. She said that I’d regret it if I worked away my last high school summer. I said “What about next year? Before college? That’s still a high school summer here.” She said “Uh,” and that was that.

My mom is pretty cool about things. When she was my age, it was the 60s but she wasn’t a hippie or anything. But she was around enough at the whole free love and whatever time that she’s pretty rad and not all uptight like some other peoples parents. Like Simon’s mom. His mom is like as old as my grandma (my mom’s mom that I never really knew because she moved to Brazil or something when I was five years old,) and she’s really uptight. I hated going over to his house, so I always made him come over to my house. Even before we started doin it, when we’d just be making out on my bed or something, my mom was totally cool about it all. She would slip a condom through the huge gap underneath my bedroom door, or less subtlety knock on the door and say “Katherine Anne, just remember that if you get pregnant I am not taking care of any baby.”

I can’t quite understand why Simon or Mark are after me. My face is plain, I’m taller than both of them, my chest is flat and my butt and thighs are chunky. Aside from my butt and legs, I am pretty much thin thought. Whatever. They seem to have given up recently. I’m going to a party near the college campus tonight. Haven’t been to one in a week and Lisa is bugging me.

June 17

Lisa found that boy again. I now know something about him and the guy who helped me pull him away when we had trouble last time. They’re both starting at the university in a few weeks for summer courses. They go to USC, but the classes they need to take aren’t offered there in the summer or something. I dunno, the other pull-apart guy seems a bit young for college. Lisa’s make-out guy seems old enough. I guess that pull-apart guy just has a youthful face or something. I think he’s really cute. Not cute, really. But, like, just good looking. I don’t think Lisa thinks so though. I forget his name. I wasn’t drunk or anything, I’m just horrible with names. Josh maybe? Something like that. Lisa’s make-out boy was Mike, I think. Michael or Mike or something.

June 20

Yeah, it’s Mike. We ran into Mike and the pull-apart boy and a couple other of their guy friends at the Dairy Korner last night when we went to get ice cream. Lisa’s going on a date with Mike tomorrow night. I’m not sure if that’s such a great idea. Mike and his friends are… I don’t know. They’re strange. Typical rambunctious college guys, but something seems off. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for her to go out with him.

June 22, 11:58pm

what the hell.

I just got back and my mom’s asleep so there’s no one to complain to, so I get to write

Lisa went out on her date around 7:30. Before that she was here and I was helping her crimp her hair. Her hair crimps so well. I wish mine would. She says its because my hair is red- there’s like something with red hair that it just likes to stay the way it naturally is. So my straight stringy hair won’t go as crimpy like her blonde hair will no matter how high I turn up the iron.

Then I got a phone call around 10—Lisa asking me if I could come pick her and Mike up at someone’s house. They missed the movie or something, so they ended up going to some other lame party that got busted before 9 even, and so some guy that Mike knew offered to take Mike and Lisa somewhere away from the police catching underage drinkers, and ended up driving them out to, the middle of nowhere on someone’s farm or something. So guess what I got to do. I got to take my mom’s car out to some creepy farm in the middle of the night. It took me, like, a half hour just to get out there, and then another fifteen minutes of driving around in the dark on some farm road without streetlights or anything on it to find the house. Lisa freaking owes me.

So now the two of them are macking in my living room. I don’t mind if Lisa hangs around- hell, she practically lives here anyway. But Mike, I don’t like the vibe I get. He’s nice and all and seems like a good guy, but I don’t know… something seems off.

Anyway, I’m gonna try to see if I can get him to leave or get a ride home or something. I have no idea what happened to the car that he picked Lisa up in.

June 27

I don’t know what’s with me. I’ve been…

I suppose I’ll tell this from where I left off.

Mike eventually called his friend, the pull-apart guy that looks too young for college, for a ride. I answered the door when he showed up. Jacob- his name. I asked again. I asked if he preferred Jake or Jacob. He says either is fine, but I call him Jacob because it fits him better, I feel. All that came up because I insisted he call me Kat instead of Katherine or Kathy or some other lame thing. He apologized for Mike and said “I really shouldn’t have let him go out tonight.”

“What, are you his mother?” I asked

“Sometimes it feels like it,” he joked. He smiles so small. There’s such emotion behind it, but you’d never tell just by looking at that small smile.

Then we helped the half-asleep, half-drunk Mike into Jacob’s car. Before I walked back up to my house, he grabbed me by my hand- well, part wrist part hand- and pulled a pen out of his pocket. At least I think that’s where he got it. It just seemed to kind of appear in his hand all of a sudden. He wrote some numbers on the back of my hand and he told me to call him if Mike started acting up again. I couldn’t say much more than “Uh.”

I haven’t told Lisa about Jacob and I think she was too trashed to know what was going on or to remember it later. I hate being that drunk. I like remember and knowing whats going on around me.

But now I can’t stop thinking about him. I barely know him and I miss him and I want to call that phone number, but I don’t know what to say, and I don’t want him to be mad and be all like “I gave you this number for when my friend is in trouble, not for you to carry out your bogus high school girl crushes.”

Lisa’s gone out with Mike once since last time, and when I was helping her get ready- I was just so anxious. Like I was the one getting ready, ready for something that wouldn’t ever happen.

I’ve never felt like this before. Yeah, I’ve had boyfriends, but I never felt like this for any of them. I never… I didn’t have like a weird sucking feeling in the middle of my chest when I wasn’t around them. I didn’t feel like every breath out was suffocating me. My face never turned hot and pink when I thought about Simon or Chris or any of the others.

This is…absurd. I barely know the guy. I know his name, and that’s pretty much it. Plus, there’s something about him that makes me nervous. Damnit.

July 2, 11 pm

Ohmygod ohmygod My heart is pounding and I can barely write. I’m so excited. I can’t breathe. We’re going to the fourth of July fair tomorrow night. Not even along with Lisa and Mike or anything. Just me and him.

Of course, we’ll be together during the most crowded and noise heavy event that happens in this town all year. But still. He’s not completely adverse to me. Probably even likes me too. Or so I hope. Probably not as much as I seem to be obsessing over him, though. I mean, he barely knows me. Well I barely know him either—but I kissed him! I KISSED HIM! And he didn’t freak out or anything. He didn’t ask me to the fair until after, too.

Lisa was going to do something with Mike, and she was getting ready at my house- yet again. But instead of Mike showing up, it was Jacob. I went to answer the door, thinking it was Mike, but nearly fell over when I opened it up to find Jacob there instead. He said that Mike wouldn’t be able to make it. I asked “Why?”

And he said, “He’s not feeling well.”

I said, “No, why are you here telling me? Why not call Lisa?”

“She’s here, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, Mike called her house, and her mom said she was here. I didn’t have your number, and I know where you live, so I figured that I would come by to tell her.”

“I’ll let her know.”

I think my voice must have been shaking. I don’t know what it is about him. He could tell I was feeling a bit abnormal though because he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yes.” I was lying. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest and my face get warm. But then I corrected myself. “No. Not really. How old are you?”

“What?” he asked. He seemed really surprised by the question, and didn’t seem to know how to answer.

“I know I’m weird. Just answer me.”

“Nineteen,” he said cautiously.

“When’s your birthday?”

“February nineteenth.”

“What year?”

“What? Why does--”

“Just tell me.” I was totally snippy sounding.

“1965.”

“What’s your full name?”

“Jacob Tricomi… what’s next? ‘Have you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?’”

“No.” I swallowed hard. “I just wanted to be able to say that I know you better before I did this.” And then before I had time to think about the consequences, I kissed him. Seriously. I reached out… down a little, because he is a bit shorter than me, but then again most guys are… and held either side of his face in my hands and kissed him. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was freaking out too much to enjoy it entirely. And I’m not sure if I was more relived, or if I started freaking out even more when I felt his arms wrap around my waist. His face felt so cold under my fingers; because my blood was pumping through my body so fast I guess. I had chills on the surface of my skin, all the while everything inside me felt hot and raging. I’d never had this feeling before.

“Hold on,” he said while pulling away. “I barely know you and… and I cannot just…”

“My whole name is Katherine Sommerset, my birthday is November 28, 1967, and there’s something about you I can’t tear myself away from.” I spoke quickly and then kissed him again. I wish I knew how he felt at that moment. He held me close but did he really want this? Or was he just so startled or horny that he couldn’t stop it? So I was the one to pull away that time. I apologized. My face was bright pink, I was sure of it.

Then I heard Lisa coming down the stairs so I stepped back from him even more.

Jacob greeted her when he saw her then said that Mike wasn’t feeling well. Lisa swore a little then stormed up the stairs, my chunky plastic shoes that she was borrowing clunking each step of the way.

“Well then,” Jacob said, turning his head away and breaking eye contact with me. “Maybe I should get your phone number in case something like this happens again.”

Something like what? I wondered. Like… like us randomly making out in my living room?

“In case Mike gets sick again and Lisa’s here,” he clarified as if he’d read my mind. I wish he could read my mind, so I could just let him know how I felt without having to try to translate feelings into words.

I stumbled around with my words for a bit before grabbing my mom’s shopping list off of the coffee table and writing down my phone number with a wobbly hand. Of course I didn’t realize it was the shopping list at the time I grabbed it, so once I finished writing, I tore off the bit I wrote on and handed it to him.

“Kat,” he spoke softly. “Don’t panic.”

“Panic?” I repeated.

“You’re so nervous. Don’t be.”

I tried to say that I wasn’t, but I think my protests only made me seem more panic-y and nervous.

“Can I see you again sometime?” he asked suddenly.

I answered with my first instinct, which was practically yelling “Yes!”

“Would tomorrow night be alright?”

I nodded rapidly.

And then he asked if I’d like to go to the Fourth of July fair that my town holds in the city park every year. Would I like to go to it? No, not really. Would I like to go with him? I’d go to hell with him if he asked me.

I was in such a daze that I barely heard him as he said he had to leave to pick up chicken soup for Mike or something.

July 13, 4 pm

I just now finally realized how much time has passed, because Lisa is making such a big deal out of it being Friday the thirteenth. I’ll make it a lucky day. I’ll spend all day with Jacob and we’ll make things on this day go right because things don’t go wrong when we’re together.

He has classes during the day, but at seven in the evening, he drives over and parks in front of the house and we spend hours together just doing nothing together.

I don’t even know how things evolved to this so quickly. I get post-its on my bedroom door from my mom, with messages about how Lisa called and wants me to call her back. But I never do call back.

But today Lisa finally came over wondering what happened to me, She said I spend more time with Jacob in one day than she’s spent with Mike during the whole time she’s known him. She keeps wanting to double date. Jacob and I insist no. Jacob and I insist no on going most anywhere. We went out on that one date to the fair, then on the fourth we went to see fireworks, but after that we pretty much just stay in at my house. We lay together on my bed and talk. Mostly, I talk and he listens. I wish he’d tell me more about himself. He says that I wouldn’t want to know about him. There’s nothing more I want in the world, I say. And he just shrugs.

Lisa asked if we’d done it yet. I tried to explain that it’s not like that with us. I had to do the same with my mom when she pulled out the “I’m not taking care of any baby,” thing again. But it has gotten kind of close a few times. We’ll be making out and before I know it, my shirt is on the floor and his hands are on my small breasts, but he never takes it any further. Not like he’s never done this before and is nervous about his first time or anything. The expert way he handles me leads me to believe that he totally knows what he’s doing and that he’d know exactly what to do when we got a bit further than my chest. I think things have only gotten that close because we get so carried away. But it’s not like we need to do it or anything. Not like when I was with Simon where it seemed like the only thing that kept us together was the gradual lead up to us eventually having sex. Of course I’d never reject Jacob if he ever did want to go any farther, it’s just that we don’t need to, there’s more to us than just a physical relationship. And that’s something that I really can’t seem to get across to Lisa.

But… while I’m here writing what I feel and everything, I need to get something off my chest. Something I barely know how to express in words, so I definitely can’t talk to Lisa or my mom about it. There’s something different about him. Something… off. Not just because he’s a guy in a relationship with me for something other than what’s in my pants either. He seems to be afraid to be around me sometimes. He handles me as if I were a porcelain doll that will shatter at any moment. Like something inside of him will suddenly be triggered and he’ll hurt me, and he’s terrified of that trigger. He’s so close, but distant at times. All that aside from that strange feeling that I got from him and Mike when I first met them. I still don’t know what that was, but I still get it. It’s just a cloud that floats around him, and the closer I get the more I feel it, and the more I am confused about what it all means. I don’t want to ask him, because he might not even know what it is himself. Maybe he does know and is afraid to talk about it. Maybe it’s that trigger.

Oh, god. What time is it now? 4:29. Oh god, hurry up, 7. I can’t wait any longer. I feel like my heart is collapsing.

There isn’t much time I don’t spend with him. He comes over around seven, and we stay awake until the early morning. I ask if he’ll be tired during his classes if he doesn’t sleep, and he says that he doesn’t want to sleep away any time that he could spend with me. I wish I could stay awake as well as he does. But I end up falling asleep around four usually, and when I wake up around 2 in the afternoon, he’s gone and I try to wait patiently for the time to pass. I wish I could stay up longer, but I do want to fall asleep so then he’ll feel its okay to fall asleep, and he can get rest before his classes. I want to watch him sleep some time but he always falls asleep after me, and I haven’t been able to keep myself awake long enough to beat him.

4:35 now.

There’s something he’s hiding. I know he is. The trigger, the cloud… one of those. Both, maybe. I just wish I knew. I wish he trusted me with what it was. He’s just too secretive. Scared to hurt me?