“…for the once in a lifetime chance to have a chance with me, Greg Charming.” I cracked the corners of my cheeks with the grimance/smile/pervert stare that I was told to give at the end of the commercial we were filming.

“Cut!” a loud speaker blew off in my left ear. Luckily I was prepared- “Take 24!” -as you can see.

“One more time! This time lose the twitch!” Lose the loud speaker.

“That was a smile!” I called back to the director. I had forgotten his name already, I think it started with a letter… that’s pending though. Big worry lines spread across his little forehead, as he squinted his large eyes at me.

“Are you sure?”

…

No.

“Yes.”

There was a long awkward pause that if in a movie would be filled with close ups of both our faces and maybe a bead of sweat or two.

“Maybe we should work on that.”

“Nope Scott, we’re done. That’ll have to do.” I bowed my head, and pretended to be very interested in the make up artist attempting to beautify me. No way was she putting that poop on my face.

“Greg.”

She reached in her fanny pack for a tube of beige stuff. I shied away, holding my face tightly.

“Gregory.”

Someone else started twisting and pulling on my hair, presumably styling it.

“Gregory Louis Charming.”

I gave up on the act of not noticing my father.

“Oh, didn’t see you there Pops. How’s it?” I leaned back, accidentally knocking my head into the nose of the hair stylist. I apologized quickly to her, buying myself a little more time before facing the inevitable.

After checking for blood and offering an ice pack, I had to swivel my dumb head back to the man before me. Now one thing you need to know about my father. Picture this, normal business man, receding, shiny, brown hair, normal stature, and a frighteningly confident look. Now put all of those…qualities 

into one person, add a dark gray suit, and a personal secretary that follows him around taking notes on her palm pilot. That’s my father. Dashing, eh?

“…So again, that’s what I need you to do.” He finished, reaching over to as if to clap me on the back and then retracting his hand like he thought better of it.

…uh-oh.

“Run that by me again?”

He sighed, running a scarred hand over his premature-ageing face. “Pick up dessert for family dinner tonight.” He pronounced each word slowly, insulting my ears. Screw my intelligence we all know that’s a hopeless case but my ears hear perfectly fine, and they do a darn good job of it, and I think they are pretty underappreciated, thank you very much.

“A’ight can do, can do.”

--

“Awe, Gregors!” My sister teased, opening the 12 foot doors to our parents home.

“Awe, Fatty!” I mocked back, in an overly sweet voice, sounding frighteningly like hers.

“Greg be nice to your sister, she’s pregnant.” Patty (my sister) stuck her tongue at me, a hand going straight to her protruding abdomen.

Mom pecked me on the cheek quickly before shutting the door quickly behind me, she had a thing about letting the indoors in. Windows weren’t even allowed to be open, unless you wanted a death sentence.

“So, Patrick when you poppin’?”

“6 weeks.” Her husband answered for her, also putting his hand on her stomach. Which is really pointless considering the baby isn’t even moving. I think the whole touch the pregnant ladies stomach gig is just as excuse to feel her up. I refuse…. It’s my sister….awkward.

“Hmm, hmm.” I answered pretending I cared. Her husband is a complete douche-bag, he’s dumber than a singing chipmunk. Scratch that those chipmunks were the bomb-diggity. How about a slug. And his name is Greg…awkward.

Obligatory small talk aside I headed past them to the dining room. Mom and Father were already sitting at the dining room table. If you thought that sitting at separate ends of a 10 foot table was ridiculous in movies… it’s even more ridiculous in real life.

“Dinner should be ready soon.” Mom said sweetly, seemed random, but if you saw the ‘look’ on my father’s face you would understand it. He gets his ‘look’ when he’s either hungry, sleepy, or about to fart. Okay so maybe I lied, he doesn’t get the ‘look’ when he’s sleepy…

A maid came out with a wooden platter. No, our maids don’t wear black and white outfits like you would think. They wear normal clothes. Thank goodness.

HAHA you thought by the way my mother talked that she actually knew what was going on in the kitchen, didn’t you? No, she ‘researches’ meals, and the cooks cook. She likes to pretend she has something to do with the kitchen though, she patters with this and that when people are over, flourishing premade goodies like she was prepared. Good ol’ Mom.

Everyone got settled and the food came in bucketfuls. Father ate like a normal person, Patty ate for two… literally, and mother ate for 1/2 … literally. I scrunched down as far as my seat would allow me, hoping no one would notice if maybe I just slithered under the table and crawled out the front door.

“Sit up straight, Sweetie.”

“Yeah Gregie.” Patty mocked. Me and her husband looked at her. She rolled her eyes. Seriously pregnancy makes a child out of her. Her inner child seems to be emerging, hahaha, inner child, I crack myself up.

“Soooo, Gregory.” She continued, I didn’t look at her, Greg said “Huh” though. “Not you, my brother.” I still didn’t look up. A whistling sound shot through the air before a pea hit me square in the forehead.

“Leave me alone Patrick.” I could feel Greg’s eyes trying to burn me. Haha, you don’t have mind powers Gregie boy…loser.

“Her name’s Patty.” He mumbled.

“Oh so you think.” I replied scathingly just to irk him. It did, it irked him. His jaw clinched. I bet he wants to punch me. He cant though, my parents are watching. Go Mom! I’m not afraid to hide behind my mother…I’m not sure if I’ll fit though…

“I heard about your…girl problem.” Oh great. Have I ever told you about how annoying my sister is?

“Shut it.”

“I mean really, couldn’t find any on your own? Had to have Daddy interfere?”

“Patty-“

“Maybe it’s just you, because there are plenty of nice girls-“

“Patty!”

“What about Claire she was interested in you, you wouldn’t even look at her.”

How could I? Claire was a freak, she saved one of my tissues… and told me she slept with it under her pillow.

“Mom!”

“She has a point Gregory.”

Patty went on, and on, and another on, about my poor love life. Way to bring a guy down. She was pregnant with gloating, hahaha…that wasn’t even funny.

I know…. I kinda really, uberly suck at updating… I love you? Hahaha what did you think?