a/n just a heads up. this is kind of an intense scene so if you have morals, you probably might not appreciate it, but its for you to judge. & with no revilance to my story, just finished the twilight series, can you say brilliant? totally team cullens. R&R pluh-ease

“Honey, honey…” I tried to whisper as Dean’s lips softly touched my neck his hands undressing us both. My hands searched to stop his, but somewhere throughout the whole ordeal they surrendered and began to assist Dean.

I cursed at every part of my body that was ignoring my mind and submitting to this sin, even my lips had surrendered to the kisses that were now being laid on them.

I was laying on my bed more than half way naked now. The only thing covering me was the first purchase I had ever made at Victoria Secret; a pair of regular pink underwear with small lace bow at the top.

The instant my hand had touched them I knew they were perfect for me, practical and simple. I didn’t need the black thong with the tacky diamond in the middle or the pair of satin string my best friend Cameron was trying to coax me into buying. My panties were perfect. Of course, she was totally miffed that I chose the pink panties and would protest that when the time came for Dean to see them I’d regret not choosing one of her choices. But I guffawed; I would never put myself in the position where anyone would see them. I had morals.

Yet three years later, here I was lying beneath one of the seven Gods of Garretson High with my pants off and my pink panties showing. Good morals right?

I should have been enjoying this. I should be melting away after each delicate kiss, letting myself go for once. I should be relaxed and not trembling. I should be thinking of him instead of my comfort panties and how stupid I was to put them on knowing I was going to see Dean.

I mean, after three years of dating I grew to accepting us reaching this point in our intimacy, but tonight Dean showed no sign of wanting to stop. This is the furthest we had both ever been.

Then to my absolute horror he whipped it out.

I could feel my eyes growing wide and my heart stopped for a second, I wasn’t ready for that package. It actually daunted me for a second as it wiggled slightly in his hands, his excited brown eyes looking deeply into mine. I tried to send him a distressed look since words had escaped me, but Dean ignored my eyes and leaned into me kissing me gently near my ear.

I heard a rip as his hands pulled the package apart, which is when my whole body floated from pleasure planet and back down to earth. It was as if the small noise awoke my whole body and finally gave me my words. “No.” the words came out nothing above a whisper.

“What?” Dean panted as he fumbled around, I was sure he was slipping it on.

“No.” I was surprised at how firm and aggressive I sounded. He rubbed my stomach as if he hadn’t heard what I said, his fingers pulling back the pink panties. “Dean, I’m serious.” I pulled my legs back, the intention being that I slide elegantly out of the bed taking the sheets with me.

That wasn’t the case; my knee ended up quickly colliding with his nose causing it to begin to bleed.

“FUCK JULIA!” Dean said as he pulled out from the bottom of the sheets and sprinted into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Mortified and shocked, I just laid in the bed staring up at the ceiling replaying the last few minutes in my head. I literally wanted to sink into my bed and die, what kind of dumb nut klutz literally kicks their boyfriend out of their bed?

I should be jumping at the opportunity right?

Dean and I had been dating for three years, and were completely in love. So, it wasn’t like we had only been dating a few weeks like some people at our school. We had done most of our firsts together, and I guess naturally this was the next step. So why was I stopping this?

Why was I terrified? Why couldn’t I just give myself to him?

I definitely wanted to, but every time we started something always triggered me to stop. Why was I such a prude? Why couldn’t I just be like everyone else and love without hesitation?

All of the whys floated in my head as I sighed and rolled over facing my lime green wall, and packed bookcase. Titles popped out like Dickson’s ‘Great Expectations’ and Shakespeare’s ‘Comedy of Errors’.

It felt as if the greatest literary minds were mocking my mistakes.

“Dean,” I said as I slipped on a shirt and walked over to my bathroom door, “You’ve been really quiet, are you okay?”

He didn’t respond, but a few small clatters in the bathroom told me he hadn’t bled to death.

“Honey, I’m so sorry. Please open the door.” I said as I grabbed a pair of his boxers off my floor, “I have pants.” I wanted to slap my hand to my head. I sounded like I was trying to coax my mutt, Biscuit, to come back indoors.

I heard a loud sigh then a click.

But then again men are supposedly dogs right?

“Julia, just hand me the pants.” Tears rose to my eyes as I handed his lone hand the plaid boxers. Dean hadn’t even bothered to open the door the whole way; I knew I had screwed up big time.

“Dean…” I started to say but he cut me off.

“Julia.” He plead, his usually strong voice sounded defeated. I tearfully retreated from the door and dove into the sea of pillows and blankets that were now jumbled on my bed. I wrapped myself in them and tried to imagine how the night had gone before this whole mess.

They had both said good-bye to her parents, dropped Parker off at a friend’s house, then came back and did what?

Got tangled in the sheets?

Usually there had been some romance and dinner, but I couldn’t remember it. Lately it had been that way; Dean had stopped the charm and pulled out the game. It was as if he had some sort of agenda, and I hated that but I knew I couldn’t expect more. He was a guy after all.

I knew if I wanted this to work I had to give in. We would have to have sex.

I would have to have sex.

I debated it back and forth in my mind, but I loved Dean. He had been my other half for three years; he was all I knew. I didn’t want to loose him, which I knew is what would happen if we didn’t do it. My virginity was a small price to give for our relationship.

I was done convincing myself when Dean appeared out of the bathroom, his nose looking slightly purple and red.

“Awww…baby I’m sorry.” I said as I untangled myself and pressed myself against all six feet of him, kissing his nose softly. “But I have something to tell…”

“Julia, this isn’t working.” he said coldly and a little to well rehearsed, “I just think we want different things, and there is no use in kidding ourselves our senior year. We just don’t have time.” He backed away and started dressing himself in his pile of clothes that had been carelessly tossed near the door.

Everything in my mind vanished except his words that echoed in the newly emptied space. Each word piercing my heart as it replayed. He went on, but my mind was stuck on his first sentence. I was completely dumbstruck; I was being dumped after three years? Like I was nothing, just like that.

“We want different things?” I said meekly surprised to have found my words.

“No use in kidding ourselves?!” Now I was up to yelling, but inhaling frantically to keep the tears from falling down my face.

“There isn’t Julie.” Dean had everything on now but his polo shirt. His once dreamy brown eyes had grown black and bitter with a slight look of resentment. His lips pursed together so tightly that you would have never thought they could have never once touched mine passionately.

“Don’t call me that…” I looked down at my bare legs, remembering I had no pants on.

“We are just at different places.” Dean couldn’t even look me in the face.

“Different because I don’t want to have sex?” I said as I took a step closer. He didn’t have to answer because his eyes said it all. He took a few steps towards the door and when he grabbed the handle, the oxygen was sucked from the room. This was really happening.

I softly spoke, “I was going to tell you I was ready.”

He twisted himself at the hips, took one look, and walked out the door taking my world with him; leaving me there broken sobbing on the floor without any pants on which is the way my parents found me when they came home a few hours later.