The Princess Who Rescued Herself

Author's Note: The first in a series of… I don't know how many. "The Fairly Odd Tales: These aren't your average prince-rescues-the-princess stories." I wrote a fairy tale for creative writing, and had some ideas for some more. They're kind of supposed to be parodies, but not really. Anyway, this first one isn't even a romance. I hope you still like it anyway.

P.S. I apologize for the formatting. I've tried to fix it, but it's not working. It's just that half the story is centered, half of it is left aligned. Hopefully it doesn't ruin the reading.

Once upon a time, kings and queens locked their daughters in towers on a regular basis, simply because it was a much easier way to find a prince worthy of marriage. In order for the princess to be rescued, a prince would have to fight his way past any number of frightening creatures – ogres, gnomes, or, if the parents were extraordinarily picky, dragons. The prince would have to climb up an untold number of stairs to reach the tower where the princess was kept. When the princess was rescued, the prince would have proven his bravery, dedication, and endurance, and the parents were spared the task of screening dozens upon dozens of princes.

In the kingdom of Little Starr, this was a fairly common practice. The king and queen thought nothing of doing the same thing to their daughter (named Twinkle because of a star-shaped birthmark on her hand) when she turned sixteen. It was also an excuse for the king and queen not to have to deal with Twinkle for a while. She wasn’t the best-behaved of princesses and didn’t have very many princess-like qualities. Physically, she had brown hair, which she wore shorter to require less management, brown eyes, and a somewhat heavy-set build (she liked the royal chef’s strawberry tarts a little too much). She could shoot a bow, hunt foxes, wield a sword, and knew a good many jokes that were most certainly not taught in finishing school. She spent more time with the various soldiers and knights coming and going at the castle than with the other princesses.

When she was put into the tower, her parents did not mourn the loss of her company for very long. Twinkle, who went by “Kel” to her friends, became bored within two days of being in the tower.

“I think,” she said to the wall, which did not speak back to her, as it was a wall, and incapable of speech, “that I will rescue myself.” She hadn’t decided where to go after escaping, but decided to cross that bridge when she came to it. The castle she had been “locked” in was basically a round tower only three floors tall. It was made entirely out of stone. The only decorations in Kel’s room were a four poster bed and a large window. It was guarded by two gnomes – ugly, dirty creatures with large teeth. However, they weren’t very dangerous and very easily distracted by shiny objects.

After Kel decided to escape, she checked to see what sort of tools she had to work with. She was dressed in a pair of leggings and a tunic - not too constrictive and easy to move in. She had a dagger, which she always had concealed in her shoe. She’d also managed to smuggle in a bow and arrows to the tower, hidden in the folds of the extra clothing her parents had made her bring. Among the other items she could find were a silver bracelet, a long coil of rope, a pair of leather gloves, gold coins, and the rations given to her by her parents (mostly dried fruit and bread). She had everything she needed to make the escape.

After packing everything, arrows included, into her rucksack, she tied the rope to the bedpost and tossed it out the window. Climbing down was no problem, and she landed outside the castle, near the two gnomes.

“Hey, princess! You can’t leave!” It was the gruff voice of the taller gnome. “Tall” however, was misleading. Gnomes were barely taller than a large dog when fully grown (and not much more attractive, either). This one was no exception.

“Here,” she said, tossing the silver bracelet towards them. Two pairs of yellow eyes followed it and watched as the bracelet landed in a patch of thistles. As predicted, the gnomes went straight for it, pushing each other out of the way to get at the shiny object. Kel stifled her laughter and made her getaway quite easily. There was a dense forest around the tower, so Kel kept her dagger in easy reach should she meet a bear … or something worse.

She managed to reach Starr, the main town of the kingdom, just as it was getting dark. She was too tired to bother finding a high-class inn, (and also found high-class people quite boring as company), so she settled for the first tavern she found. Once inside, she couldn’t help wrinkling her nose at the stench of sweat, manure, and possibly regurgitated food. Most of the people she saw were middle-aged men, probably laborers, as evidenced by their dirty faces and strong arms. There were a few goblins, clustered together in a corner booth. They stood out because of their greenish-brown skin, pointy horns protruding from their heads, and dragon-hide clothing.

The man behind the bar was not much cleaner than the patrons, and he appeared to be missing several teeth. The little hair remaining on his head didn’t looked as if a comb had touched it in decades, and his beard was in similar shape. He was wiping off the counter and looking generally annoyed when Kel approached him. He didn’t even look up until she made a conspicuous coughing noise.

When he saw who she was (a young woman, as opposed to an old man), however, his eyes gleamed and he smiled, showing crooked teeth – and yes, several were missing. Kel forced herself to return the smile.

“What kin I do fer ya, ma’am?” he asked. He had the slow drawl that distinguished those from Hameria, a kingdom to the north of Little Starr. Many of the people living there were laborers and rather simple. However, they were usually very trustworthy. Despite this, Kel still exercised caution.

“I need a room,” she said, trying to keep her left hand from view. She didn’t want him to see her birthmark.

“You can have room eight,” he said, “up the stairs, down the hall, third door on the right side.” Kel paid him and followed his directions up the stairs into her room. She looked around at her furnishings. There was a bed, blankets, and a dresser, which was enough for her. She put her rucksack into the dresser drawer climbed under the covers of the bed. She fell asleep almost instantly.

Her sleep was interrupted only a few hours later by footsteps, shouting, and then her bedroom door opened. Kel sat up straight in bed, trying to see who the intruder was. He was, in fact, a goblin, though it didn’t look like one she’d seen downstairs earlier. This one had light green skin, indicating it to be one of the less savage species. His horns were only about an inch long and his clothes were that of the nomadic goblins.

“Excuse me!” she exclaimed at him. The goblin turned and put his finger over his lips to shush her. Voices out in the hall seemed to come closer to her room, and nervously, the goblin darted under the bed to hide. The voices got closer, and she could hear what they were saying.

“Where’d he go?”

“I dunno… but he couldn’t’a left!” The second voice sounded like the bartender. Kel glanced down at where the goblin’s feet stuck out.

“Hey, the light’s on over there. Maybe he’s in that room,” The first voice said. There were more footsteps, and they faded away until Kel could hear nothing else.

The goblin climbed out from under the bed.

“Thanks,” he said, “My name’s Droven. They’re after me for one lousy piece of bread. Maybe if I was allowed to get a job, I wouldn’t have to steal food.” He shrugged.

“I’m Kel,” she said, excited about having met an actual goblin. Goblins were one of the few races left that still had a large amount of persecution from the other races. Only a few of them managed to get jobs – trying to sell dragon hide and herbs – but even then they didn’t get a lot of respect or the opportunity to make a lot of money.

“As in the princess?” he asked, eyes wide, “I thought you were supposed to be locked up in a tower waiting for a prince.” Kel rolled her eyes. Did anyone else realize how ridiculous the idea of waiting in a boring old tower was?

“I didn’t feel like it. Besides, princes are pompous and annoying. I’d rather have adventures instead.” She yawned. “But I think right now I’m going to bed. You can sleep on the floor if you like, and if you want, you can join me in the morning.” She didn’t bother waiting to hear anything from him, just slipped back under the covers and fell asleep.

They solved the problem of leaving by escaping out the window. The journey to the castle she’d grown up in did not take as long as expected because they managed to liberate a pair of horses from the tavern’s stables by not-so-legal means. Kel assured herself that it would be okay because they would return the horses eventually.

Along the way, Kel and Droven kept themselves occupied by telling stories to each other. Droven’s stories were a little more interesting, as he hadn’t lived in a castle his whole life.

“I can’t believe you actually met a dragon!” she exclaimed, “I thought they hated people!” Droven just shrugged.

“Where do you think we get the dragon-hide clothes from? They don’t grow on trees, you know,” he explained, “and really, they aren’t as dangerous as they seem. Dragons just don’t like humans. They’re fine with us goblins, though.”

“So the dragon just gave you its hide?”

“Don’t you know anything? Dragons shed every year, and the stuff they shed can be used to make clothing.” Droven rolled his eyes.

“I live a very sheltered life as a princess.” The conversation lulled for a while. When the arrived at the castle, Kel marched right in, Droven close behind, ignoring the various servants and guards until she reached the dining chamber where her parents were getting ready to eat.

“Twinkle!” her mother exclaimed, feigning happiness, “you’re back early. Have you been rescued already?” Then she saw Droven, and she gaped.

“Is that a goblin?” her father asked, “is he the one that rescued you?”

“As a matter of fact, I rescued myself. I just came to tell you that I’m leaving. I don’t know where I’m going, but you probably don’t care anyway. This is my new friend, Droven. I saved his life.” She crossed her hands over her chest and looked smugly at her parents. They seemed to be shocked beyond words.

“Oh, before I go, I’ll need some more money and some of personal effects from my bedroom,” she added.

“Um, I mean, of course, darling, anything you like. Do you mean to tell us that you won’t be getting married to this … Droven?” her mother asked, looking a little hopeful at this last bit.

“I might, just to spite you. For now, however, I don’t feel like getting married. I’m going to have adventures.” She grinned. Droven’s eyes widened a little bit at the ‘marriage’ part. Kel’s father sighed and rolled his eyes. However, she did not have to wait long for the money, and she found the items from her room without trouble. They were ready to go before lunch time.

As Kel and Droven stood outside the castle on their horses (Kel had given orders to the groomsman to return the ones they had borrowed), Kel looked at the expanse of land around her.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Droven asked her, “You’ve never even been out of the castle until a week ago.”

“It will be fine,” she said, and spurred her horse to a trot. And if they got eaten by dragons, so be it. It was at least better than being locked in a tower.

The End