Chapter Fifteen

“Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me.” – Chris Farley

Once safely in the dressing room, away from the surprised eyes of the crew, I yank on my clothes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm down. But I can’t. I’m angry. At Helmut, myself a little, but mostly because of Addison Fucking Parker. He probably planned to sabotage me from the beginning.

I shake my head hard and edge toward the door, wondering if I should steal Addison’s clothes to get him back, but decide against it. I don’t want anything of his in my car. And I make it out to the parking lot without anyone stopping me, and immediately reach for my phone with shaking hands. Away from the commotion inside, everything really starts to sink in.

There’s no way Helmut’s going to let me back in there, even if I wanted to go back for that video or another one. I’m unprofessional and I fucked things up. No. Addison fucked things up, but I let him get to me and that’s bad enough. Shit. Safe inside my car, slowly dial Lily’s number.

“Hello? Alejandro? Are you okay? Did they rape you? What’s going on? I thought you were filming today, or are you just on like a snack break or something and what are they serving? Hotdogs and doughnuts?” She lets out a long giggle and I take a deep breath, for the first time in my life feeling calmer because I hear her voice.

“It was almost rape,” I answer. “Addison…he…”

“He looks delicious naked? I so have to have a copy of this movie when it comes out. And I know you’re all touchy about that whole cousin thing, but I’ll just pretend that you’re not in the picture, okay?”

I take a deep breath that shudders in my throat. I’m a loser. A failure. The reason why I wanted to get into porn in the first place is coming back and biting me in the ass at the moment. Groaning, I let my head fall down onto the steering wheel. “There’s not going to be a movie, Lily.”

There’s a long pause and I’m not sure if she’s shocked and upset or if she’s forgotten to breathe or something, but finally she sighs. “Why not, Allie?”

“I messed things up,” I confess. “I mean… I was just… I mean, this whole Addison thing and then Emmerich lied to me and I just couldn’t do it.” I trusted Emmerich. He might be a little cold and creepy sometimes, but he’s always seemed like he’s known what he’s doing, and has maybe even come off as trustworthy. Until today. I sit up and shove my hair back from my forehead, nearly shitting my pants when I see Emmerich through the corner of my eye, just standing outside my car with his hands on his hips and his glasses on. Great. I have him as an angry schoolmaster and my dad as the principal at home. He leans forward to rap his knuckles on my window as if I can’t see him, and I sigh. “Lily, I have to go. I’ll call you back later.”

She yells something about a German gang. Or getting gang-banged by Germans… And I hang up on her, slowly rolling down my car window. Helmut bends down to look in through my window and I glare at him, not wanting to hear anything about how unprofessional I was from a deceptive pornographer.

“You’re really leaving?” he asks me and I nod my head hard.

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. Because I’m not going to work for someone who lies to me about something that I was serious about!”

He pinches the bridge of his nose as if he has a headache coming on. “Alejandro, I think it would be best if you took more time to think about this instead of acting so irrationally. Maybe we could talk about this and try to sort everything out. Helmut and I booked a couple of rooms in a hotel a block from here. We thought it’d be easier for everyone to have a hotel to stay in here instead of having to drive back to your home tonight… So please stay the night there and think this over.”

My eyes narrow into suspicious slits. “Why do you give a shit?”

“Because you’re good-looking and you’re passionate. You’re eager to please. You look good in front of the camera, and most importantly, Helmut and I have put a lot of work into the production of the video and we can’t have it ruined now.”

I shake my head. “I can’t make myself do something like this when I know that I can’t trust you guys. Was this all a little joke? See how much I could handle? Or did Addison put you up to it?”

An aggravated sigh leaves Emmerich’s throat and he straightens up to pinch the bridge of his nose once more. “Will you accept my offer, or won’t you?”

Taking a deep breath, I shrug. I don’t know. I don’t want to be around them and I don’t really want to give in and come back here… “What I really want instead is a drink.”

Without saying another word, Emmerich walks around to the other side of the car. He slides into the passenger seat, buckling up. “Turn left when you pull out of here and that’ll take you to the hotel. There’s a bar there and drinks are on me.”

--

“Cheers,” I dryly say, tapping my glass against Emmerich’s. I tilt my head back and down it in one gulp and immediately hold it up, waving the bartender over. Because why not? Being drunk right now seems like a way better idea than sitting next to Emmerich sober. And besides…he’s paying for it. Once I get my second drink, I decide to actually taste this one, sipping it as I glare at Emmerich. “So did you think setting me up was funny?”

I’m pretty positive I see him roll his eyes behind his glasses. “I didn’t set you up. I…” He has the decency to look embarrassed or ashamed or something like that and looks down into his glass. “I mean… Helmut mentioned that he thought you were just acting so set as a top because you were afraid of how it would feel on bottom. He thought that you might let Addison do something to you and we could use that to help sell a few more DVDs or downloads, and I told him not to, but he doesn’t always like to listen to me.”

For a second, I don’t really know what to say. I just blink at the German bastard a few times before setting down my glass with a loud thud (but careful not to spill anything). “Why the fuck would he do that? And you should’ve stopped him! I trusted you, Emmerich!” And apparently the glass of alcohol I downed was enough to get me to blurt out incredibly embarrassing professions of trust and hurt.

He looks me straight in the eye. “I apologize.”

Well, whatever…

I hunch up my shoulders and sip at my drink some more, enjoying the burn of the alcohol. We’re silent for a long while, each of us just watching people pass by behind us through the mirror that spans the back of the bar. Every now and then I glance at him. He doesn’t look too thrilled to be here.

Finally he turns to me, props his elbow on the bar and his cheek in his hand, and says, “You’ve never been with a man before, have you?”

I choke on the last swallow of alcohol, coughing half of it across the surface of the bar. Before giving Emmerich an answer, I wave the bartender over for another refill. “What do you mean?” I finally ask Emmerich, turning in my chair to pretend to look him in the eye. Instead, I focus on the soft curve of his eyebrows.

“You just give off the… You give the impression that you’ve never been with a man before. And that would explain why you got so upset on set today.”

“I… Well, not… I mean, not really…” I mumble, the alcohol preventing me from thinking up a good lie. I remember Brett, the gay jock that I met at that first audition. He said something about Helmut only hiring gay men. This isn’t looking too well for me. Hopefully that whole ‘We spent too much to get rid of your passionate, eager-to-please self’ think that Emmerich told me earlier in the parking lot still applies now that I’ve told the truth. “I’m not gay…”

Emmerich leans back in his chair and thoughtfully rubs at his chin. “Did you know that a lot of straight men star in gay pornography because it pays more than heterosexual pornography?” he asks me in a low, conversational tone so it looks like we’re two business partners having a drink after work and talking about our families instead of a pornographer and one of his actors chatting about gay sex. The thought makes me want to laugh, but I don’t. I just toss Emmerich a shake of the head as a reply. “Because of that and the obviousness of this in many movies, Helmut decided that he wanted to start something that was made for gay men by gay men. Something filled with passion and that was as real as porn gets. Do you understand?”

“Yeah,” I mumble, feeling like he’s my teacher once more. And feeling like I’m not actually really sure if I understand what he means. Is he saying I’m fired? And do I care, since I already quit? Or maybe-quit?

“But… Well, I’m willing to look past it for just now because I think the way you react with Addison seems very real and very passionate, so it comes off as if you really are gay. And are you sure you’re not?”

My eyes narrow without my permission. “Yes. And I’m not passionate or real with Addison, because I hate his guts, so unless you mean passionately…hateful, then maybe you’re right.”

“Hate? Why do you hate him?” Those waxed (even though I don’t even want to think of that word) eyebrows edge upward. “I never would’ve guessed from your audition video.”

“It had nothing to do with him,” I flatly say. “And I hate him because… I told you how I was killed off a soap opera, right? Well, guess what?” My words are starting to slur together so maybe that’s why Emmerich looks a little confused or amused or a mixture of the two as he shrugs and gives a nod for me to continue. “He replaced me. My parents on the show adopted him.”

A long moment slowly eases by and Emmerich blinks at me, breaking the eye contact that I accidentally slipped into. “This is why you hate him?”

“Yeah.”

“I… I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

I sigh and reach for my glass that’s luckily been refilled by now. And gets emptied immediately as I knock it back. “He took my place. I haven’t been able to get another acting job besides a few commercials before now. Before you and Helmut decided to hire me. And so there’s him who is all successful and people love him and it should be me, you know? And I’m unsuccessful and I’m depending on my dad for money all the time and he’s such an asshole, Emmerich.” Somehow his shoulder is under my head as I slump over onto him without really realizing what’s going on. I feel weak and tired and sad. I feel like a failure – even more than usual after today. “I’m such a failure.” It comes out as a wail against my will and I don’t even care if people are staring now as I let my head fall down farther till I’m resting in Emmerich’s lap and he’s staring down at me looking bewildered. “What’s wrong with me? I can’t get women to like me. I get a hard-on for fucking Addison. I can’t even have sex in front of a camera without fucking up!” And now that this is all coming out, I don’t want to stop talking. I want to tell him how much I hate my dad and how I want to burn down his house and laugh in his face and how my cousin and her gay, hair-dressing lackey is my only friend but instead I just sob.

“Ah… It’s okay,” Emmerich says, reaching down a hand to run gently pat my head and I turn my face away, into his belly. “It’s… I think… I think it’s best if we get you up to your room.” I sniffle into his stomach, seeing nothing but the black close-up of the fabric of his shirt, and when I open my eyes again, I’m in a hotel room without remembering how I got there.

I open my eyes, dizzy and disoriented, looking around to find Emmerich at my feet, slowly pulling off my shoes. Without looking up from his work, his hands travel to my wrist, unbuckling the cheap watch I have strapped there and standing above me, he looks so feminine and angelic…

“You look kind of like a girl,” I slur and he jumps, pausing to stare down at me. His ponytail has come loose and his hair falls around his face. He nervously licks his lips while tucking some of the hair back behind one of his ears with his free hand. He really does look like a girl and I can’t stop looking at his lips… “Can I kiss you?”

Without waiting for a reply, I reach up to give him a tug closer to me, pressing my lips into mine. He lets out a surprised grunt and stiffens in my arms, trying to pull away, but I don’t want to let him go. He’s being so nice to me and I feel so alone… Or maybe this is just a way for me to regain my masculinity after nearly getting finger-fucked by Addison earlier today. Whatever the case, his body feels good against mine as I yank him up onto the bed with me, and after a moment, his tongue touches mine and he starts to relax. My hands run down his back and one comes to rest at his ass while the other slides below the waistband of his slacks. When my fingers somehow miraculously slip past his underwear to touch bare skin, he pulls away as if I’ve slapped him in the face. Maybe he doesn’t like to have guys touching his ass either.

Somehow I doubt that.

His face is red as he sits up and turns away from me, shoving his hair behind his ears and mumbling something in German. “You… I’m sorry, Alejandro. While I find you attractive, I must remind you that you told me you’re not gay. Also, this relationship between us should purely be professional… And I already have a lover that I would never allow myself to betray.”

My cheeks feel red and I suddenly feel loads less drunk than I did just moments before. How did I just let myself do that…? It’s Emmerich, for God’s sake. And most importantly, “You have a lover?” I can’t imagine it with how he acts so…put together all the time. Maybe a no strings attached relationship based on hot sex, but…the word lover just seems too…lovey. A new batch of redness floods his cheeks and he nods. “Who?”

“It’s… It’s no secret that Helmut and I have been in each other’s company for a very long time and it’s not just a professional relationship that we have going…”

No, shit. I guess maybe I’m not too surprised. I am a little surprised that Emmerich’s with someone like Helmut though. Nothing wrong with Mr. Director, but I’m sure Emmerich could get anyone he wants with those girly, pretty looks of his. He seems to be able to read my mind because he shrugs. “Helmut’s good for me. He’s always been there for me. He… He’s really helped me out a lot since we’ve met and I love him. Very much.”

Figures that he’s in a happy, loving relationship. Just another thing to make me feel like even more of a failure, but I refuse to start crying again… I just give a sigh and turn onto my side, feeling kind of hollow. “Right. That’s good. I’m happy for the two of you.” I guess.

He sighs and stands. “I’ll let you think about coming back tomorrow, okay? I should talk to Helmut about what happened today. It wasn’t fair of him to trick you like that.”

“Wait!” I reach out and grab his sleeve, feeling him tense up again. “I’ll… I’ll go back there tomorrow. But please don’t leave right now…”

For a long moment it looks like he’s going to leave me anyway, but he sits back down again and I sigh and close my eyes. I just don’t feel like being alone right now.

I jump when Emmerich’s fingers touch my head and then slowly run through my hair. Letting out a deep breath, I let myself drift off into sleep.

End chapter.

Emo Al! Emo Al! Secretly, this chapter’s been planned since Emmerich came into the picture. ‘Cause I like him. But this chapter ended up being a lot crappier than anticipated. ;_;

I know that this is moving pretty slowly, and sorry for that. .-.

Thanks for reading/reviewing. Have a good weekend/summer (‘cause I forgot to say that earlier), everybody! :3

Oh, and a quick note, I'm deleting a bunch of stuff a month from now. They're all marked on my profile. So if you happen to be in the middle of reading something, it might be best if you finish it up before then. :)