Do you know when you’re all alone and no one will continue a conversation with you even though you’re not repulsive or mean or anything? Now, pretend that that’s how you are made to feel all of the time. Once you’ve got that, you have completed a successful indoctrination into The Way of the Wombat. What’s this? you say, startled. The wombat? Citizens of Earth, let me tell you why you shouldn’t have to say ‘the wombat?’ as if you have no idea at all what is going on. Let me educate you on this World Issue.

Wombats are, by nature, brilliant creatures. They sing, dance, play air guitar, paint… You name it, a wombat’s done it. If you study them in their natural habitat, you will, at some point, observe ritualistic dances performed every five days and on every third full moon. Wombats crave a sense of community, of family and of love. They spend meticulous hours punching numbers into calculators, searching for the meaning of life. They edit newspapers that humans read every day, and they are not acknowledged for their hard work. Wombats are known for their impeccable grammar and spelling; when it comes to recitation, they are, by far, the best.

The only trouble with being a wombat is that no one likes them. They’re “too furry,” their noses are “too big,” and – god forbid – they’re “not cute enough, sorry.” Citizens, no one is asking you to take a wombat home and give it a meal and a bubble bath and read it a story. Sure, that would be nice, but all a wombat really wants is a friend. That is not so much to ask for, is it? But all they ever get are rude remarks about their weight and appearance.

If wombats were the sorts of creatures to be rude back to those who blow them off with unkind remarks, then I’m sure they’d be able to properly stick up for themselves. But naturally, they aren’t. They are kind, soft-spoken creatures who are genuinely friendly if you take the time to know them. But no one does. They see these amiable marsupials lounging around in primary-colored sun glasses and sneer as if something smells bad (possibly they even remark on the smell of a wombat, which is really no smell at all).

Maybe they are jealous of the wombats? Maybe they are embarrassed to have something in common with the wombat when it comes to hobbies! Maybe they smiled at the wombat and thought it was a snub no to get a flash of teeth in return, which it is not, since wombats – like all marsupials, not including wallabies – can not smile.

Such is the life of the Lonely But Lovely wombat. They are ignored after a brief exchange of hope-bringing conversation; their hearts soaring, only to fall deeper into the recesses of their fluffy bodies. Just say one word to a wombat and you’ll have it enthralled. They will listen and they always say the right things in return. They are perfect companions, and this is due to their natural want-to-please attitude and positive outlook on life most of the time.

So if you feel ignored all the time, or even if you can imagine this feeling, sympathize and talk to the wombats. Share your troubles and they will tell you of theirs. Life as a marsupial is supposed to be filled with joy – look at all those Christmas wish lists with “koala” at the top! Oh, the unhindered love! – and yet the wombat gets, at the very most, the short end of the stick. At the least, no stick at all.

Citizens of the world, you could be their stick! You have read of their plight, you have looked deep into their sorrow-filled eyes. You have seen your children steal those primary-colored sunglasses right off of the wombat’s “too big” nose! It is time for a change in this world! Wombats are losing heart and their death rate is inching up and up. New generations of wombats are falling ill with the worst disease imaginable – sorrow in a marsupial. Born to be loving and happy and kind, wombats only need a little companionship to get by, a little sense of community. But without it, they are doomed for extinction. It is your job as Citizens of Earth to take up this job for yourselves. As an old wombat proverb says: A little goes a long way (so lend your sunglasses happily).